Monday, March 19, 2007

Playing Hooky... And Hooker


I didn't get the message this morning. Apparently I'd run myself into complete exhaustion and my body didn't want to get up. So I stayed in bed. I guess that's one positive thing about this wait. I don't have to horde all my vacation days anymore since it's pretty clear I won't travel in '07. I can afford to give one up here and there. I picked a great day to stay in my jammies, too. It's thundering rain outside today. I counted how many hours I worked in total during the last 7 days. It was 72. That's pretty ridiculous. But I chose to do it... so no complaining. It'll be worth it when I get my paycheck.

I've gotten a lot of comments on my crackhead ho story I mentioned in the post below and was asked to elaborate. For those who are new to this blog, I wasn't really a prostitute so don't run to my social worker to report me. I'm a police officer who worked undercover as one. Are we clear?

"My Best Offer Ever" day was back in the summertime several years ago. My hooker attire that day consisted of a nasty pair of baggy shorts, a beat up stained tee shirt that I actually dripped ketchup and smeared some food on to make look dirtier, grass stained tennies, no make-up at all and crazy, unwashed hair. Well, technically I did wear a bit of make-up. Just not on my face. You see, most street corner prostitutes have bruises. Either from shooting up drugs intravenously or just because of the hard life they live. So to make me look a little worse for wear I used a purple eye shadow-black eyeliner combination to paint a few fake bruises on my arms and legs. No dudes, I'm not kidding.

Now get that mental image going. We're not talking Julia R0berts in "Pretty W0man" here. We're talking the skankier the better. I wore a wire under my clothes so the arrest team could hear my conversation. But when you're on the wire, you can't hear them. Only they can hear you. So sometimes out of boredom you end up standing there mumbling away to the arrest team...but not getting answers. I guess it just lends itself to the whole slightly crazy, strung out, persona you're trying to make believable. It always amazes me the level of nastiness of some of these women. And that men are paying them for sex. Gross.

Anyway... back to the story. I worked my corner in front of a Chinese restaurant. Funny, huh? Another red thread to my daughter? Uh... I think I'll keep that story outta the scrapbook.

The guy drives up and makes some conversation. We're not allowed to mention sex or money first. They have to open the door to that. So he ends up offering me $50 for the basic stuff. Since this is mostly a PG rated blog I won't get specific. But you can use your imagination. Now $50 is a fortune in the crackead ho business.... even for the "Everything Special". Really it is. One real live crackhead ho once told me she got $1.25 and a bag of potato chips. I swear, people, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. My "john" asked if I'd wait 5 minutes for him to run down the street to the ATM. Apparently, he didn't plan ahead and I was just an impulse buy. LOL!

We're not allowed to get in the car when working undercover. Way too dangerous because we have to be unarmed. So we always tell them something along the lines of "meet me 'round da corner cuz a cop drove by before and I don't wanna be seen gettin' in da car witchya". You'd think the guys would know we're undercover cuz we're the only corner girls who DON'T get in the car. The real life ho's jump right in. When he pulled off, the team stopped his car and arrested him. And there you have it. A day in the life of a pretend ho. I don't do this type of work anymore but it was great fun at the time.

Can you imagine the crazy web hits I'm gonna get today? Sorry guys it's not what you think. Try another website.

22 comments:

Doris & Dan said...

Man...the most exciting thing that happens at my work is when we have lunch paid for by the company!!

LOL...great story.

Keep smilin!

Doris & Dan said...

P.S. Enjoy your p.j. day!

Melissa said...

feel like I just watched COPS.
(which we love, one of my sons fav. shows)
Very cool story. I thought the only crack ho I knew was from the company Christmas party. (which, if you weren't reading my blog around x-mas time, you have no idea what I'm talking about)
My son Jacob would be soooooo in love with you. He wants to be a police officer.
I should email you the pictures of him dressed up as a cop for 5 straight Halloween years, or all his police officer birthday cakes I've had made for him over the years, or of him wearing his "future police officer" tee shirt, and so on, and so on....

Lee-Anne said...

LOL at Melissa's comment!!! My hubs LOVES COPS!!! (the TV show!)

Harry wants to be a Motorbike Policeman when he gets big... because he gets a gun!!! (maybe a good reason for him NOT to be a Police Officer?!!!) I tried to tell him that not everyone gets a gun - maybe I should enroll him as an undercover prostitute?!!!

chou-chou said...

OMG, I have complete and utter job envy.

I get to, um, sit at my desk and occasionally go to meetings and on big exciting days, negotiate contracts. Kinda pales in comparison, no?

Keep the stories coming!

tracy said...

Oh, I must have mistaken that story for the real you...;0) lol!

I wonder what a person will type in to get you, "crackhead ho", it's a very funny story and I would love to see you working in action!

C.J. said...

Wow...that's more exciting. I just get to treat the STDs the crack ho ends up with. No fun there.

a&mg said...

I hope they were at least sour cream and onion chips...

Joannah said...

I hope you enjoyed your day off! You earned it - 72 hours? That's crazy, man!

Stacy said...

You must have looked pretty hot in those shorts to get a $50 offer! What an interesting story. You should do crime drama once a week. It is so fascinating! :)

Hope you got some rest today. You deserve it! 72 hours is insane!

"M" said...

Boy, your work life is an adventure. That's for sure. Glad you gave youself a treat and took the day off. You certainly deserve it!!!

Mark & Michelle said...

I enjoyed reading that!! I am going to do a search and see what comes up when I type in crackhead ho...

I hope you enjoyed your day off!

Drea said...

you are too funny! These have been some good posts Krista! And about the weather, it beats all those snow posts from a month or so ago! take care!

Donna said...

Unbelievable!

Donna said...

I never got to work undercover when I was a cop. Now I'm kinda sorry since it sounds like fun!

Donna
Our blog: Double Happiness!

Jill and Jaap said...

Hope you had a great day yesterday! Interesting work!

Cari said...

Ok...you're officially the coolest chick on the blogger block! wow!!

Cari

Colleen said...

Daggit - you are making me laugh.

Hey - hope you enjoyed your jammie day! You've put in some SERIOUS hours...you deserved to be lazy. We all need that.

PS....go back to Melissa's blog if you didn't read about the crack ho at the xmas party. It was freakin hilarious!!

Debra Sue said...

I love the 1.25 and a bag of chips!

So, is there like a crackhead 'ho code of conduct? You know, like, "don't work my corner b*tch!" or "He's mine cuz he pays me real good, and if I get freaky he'll get me a junior whopper with cheese, so step off, b*tch!"

I am so sickly facinated by this.

Lisa and Doug said...

Wow - real estate marketing is so boring compared to this!

kris said...

You had me rolling with the scrapbook comment! Great post... I feel like I sort of lived vicariously through you on this one... who doesn't dream of going undercover? Okay, maybe we don't ALL want to go as ho's, but it is pretty fascinating to me!

Dannye said...

that is too funny, what an amazingly great I mean dangerous, I mean exciting, oh you get what I mean, job!!! thanks for sharing the laughs with us (really a bag of potato chips, how amazingly desperate...)