Thursday, January 31, 2008

My Sexy Bedroom Makeover

I'm finished! Finally! No seriously....this has been a long time coming. I bought the bedding to re-do this room in late 2005. But never started the project. Then I finally started painting it in February 2007. Remember this post? Okay so I am a world class procrastinator. Don't act like you didn't already know that.

Ready for the pics? But first check out the before shots here to see what an incredible transformation this truly is. Even I can't believe it.

Here's the bedding that started the whole thing. I can't take a good enough picture of it to show just how gorgeous it is. It's a beautiful silky material. The butterflies and dragonflies have a sequin in the middle which just makes it sparkle.
Dontcha love the sexy little tassels? I've never spent this much money on bedding before. But I decided it was time for me to splurge a little. I love love love love it!!I probably should've ironed those wrinkled sheets. But then I wouldn't be me if I did that..... Everything in here is different except the furniture. And if I could afford that splurge, it'd be replaced, too. The carpet will stay until Mia comes home. I have plans for that adoption tax credit. And it involves new carpet. LOL!
This is one of my favorite things in the room. Well, all of these things are my favorites. That's the beauty of my new boudoir. But I do really love waking up and seeing this every morning. It helps remind me of why I keep going.

Faith, Hope, and Love. All very important things to remember in this adoption adventure.

The print on the shelf is very Asian looking and says "Adopt the pace of nature. Her secret is patience." Hmmm.... that seems fitting. I love the beaded lamps. When I first saw them I couldn't decide if they were sexy or trashy. Either way... I wanted 'em.

Did you notice I painted the ceiling a deep golden color? I love it. But it was hell to do.
Only two of the walls have the stenciled dragonflies and butterflies to match the bedding.
My sexy new ceiling fan. It kinda matches the chair. If you noticed, the window blinds keep with the same kind of texture.
I knew when I saw these stone plaques that I had to have them. Read my very first post on this blog and you'll see why. I think it was fate.

So there you have it. The longest bedroom makeover in history. But it's finally done. Time to move on to the next project!

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Kitchen Pics

First, this is the lovely gift I found waiting in the mail for me earlier this week. It traveled halfway around the world all the way from Australia! I just love the idea of that. The package was so beautifully wrapped, I almost didn't want to open it. Almost. Lee-Anne is so thoughtful she even tied it with ribbon in my favorite colors! Way to pay attention, girl.
She sent a sweet book for Mia's library and these cute little bibs. I love them both but my favorite is the pink and green ladybug one, of course. Thanks so much Lee-Anne! You're far too generous...but thank you for thinking of me. It made me smile. I'll be reminded of you every time I read this book or use one of these bibs (on myself as I'm drooling in my wheelchair at the nursing home still waiting for Mia!) LOL!
Here are the stencil pics as promised. I used leftover paint from the kitchen cabinets. It ties the colors together perfectly. Yes, I know the fleur de lis design is upside down. I did that on purpose. I liked it better that way. My kitchen has taken on more of a Tuscan look and I didn't want it to look too "ooh la la francais". But I loved the scroll design. So easy solution.... flip it upside down. Voila'. Oops....that's french, isn't it? LOL!

Check this out! Perfect for me, no? I saw it and just had to have it. Plus the colors match almost exactly.
This used to hang there but I never liked the matte color. It turned out much too purple up against the sun dried tomato color of the cabinets. So I'm having it re-matted with a green and will hang it in the dining room. You can also see one of the transitional colors on the wall behind it. That's the phase I was going through when I couldn't figure out the room.

Notice the new mugs, Mamacita? I copied her. She bought new dishes and posted a pic on her blog. They matched my new kitchen so I ran out and got them, too. Unfortunately, that means I now have 3 different sets of tableware. Time to downsize that a bit, I think.

I even did a stencil by the sink. Hmmm... just noticed that everything on the left side of the window sill was a gift from another blogger. Small world. Who knew starting this blog would lead me to so many new kitchen accessories? LOL!

So this is the reason why I want a new granite counter top. The pink C*orian is beautiful but was much better suited to the old style of my kitchen. It just isn't working for me anymore.

I think a nice black granite with some gold in it would be perfect. Dontcha think? I only have this one long counter top (about 26 sq ft) so I don't think it'd be too bad cost wise. What do you guys think? Black granite or something else?

This is the old look. The counter top matched the pink and green shabby chic thing I had going. This pic was taken right after I had the ceramic tile floor installed. Which is what set off the whole transformation of the kitchen. I thought when I picked the floor that it was pink enough to work. But in fact, it turned out to be way too dramatic and bold for that cottage look.

More of the old kitchen and all the stencil I painted over. The walls were sponge painted in a sage green. It was hard painting over all that. It took soooooo long to do. It broke my heart a little. All that work...gone. But it was time for a change. It had been this way for almost 10 years.

I really loved my old kitchen but it was definitely time for a new look. I love the new style! It's so warm and cozy in there. It's almost complete. I have a new light fixture that should be hung soon and then I'll need to re-paint the ceiling and do some other touch up. But unless I get a new counter top, it'll be done. Finally.....

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Random Bullet Posting

  • I stenciled a border in my kitchen last weekend. It's beautiful. I love it! I'll have to take some pics to share. I'm almost done with all the decorating in that room. Except that I really want a granite countertop. Maybe. I'm having a hard time justifying it cuz I just put a C*orian countertop in a couple years ago. And they're not cheap either. But I don't like it anymore. I want granite. We'll see.

  • I'm tired this week. I've realized lately that I wake up a lot during the night. I think Griffey wakes me up some of the time. He jumps down off the bed in the middle of the night, he chews on himself and just generally makes noise. Which I think may be waking me up. I don't think I'd be able to survive co-sleeping with Mia. Gawd.. let's hope she does okay in her crib. Or I'm in big trouble.

  • My new year's resolution is going well. I'm kicking ass! But my weight is fluctuating from day to day. And yes, I know I'm not supposed to weigh every day. But I do anyway. Yesterday was the end of week three and I was down 11.5 lbs so far. But today I was down 13.5 lbs. So I guess it's somewhere in that vicinity. Woo Hoo!

  • I got a nice surprise in the mail from a far away land. I'll have to post a pic of my wonderful new bibs and storybook for Mia. Some people are just so thoughtful!

  • Work was long yesterday. Had to search a house for stolen property. It was one of those places where you just can't believe a human being would lay down their head. Nasty. Dirty. Clutter everywhere. Disgusting basement with just an aisleway to walk through cuz of all the junk piled up. Got cat hair all over my winter coat cuz they had several. The occupants were nice enough to smoke the whole time we were there, too. Just an all around pleasant experience. Oh wait... I forgot to mention how me and another female detective got to carry a huge ass heavy subwoofer thru the basement maze and up a flight of stairs. And I chose to wear heels yesterday. Yeah... some days my job is just loads of fun.

  • I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday. I live for the weekends!

  • I've got a hair appointment on Saturday. Long overdue. My gray is showing. Yikes.

  • That's all I got tonight, people. Aren't ya glad you sat through that? LOL!

Monday, January 21, 2008

Birthday Stitches..... I Mean Wishes

The littlest T had a collision with a bookshelf yesterday that resulted in a trip to the hospital and 30 stitches. Click over to my sister's blog for the whole story. We went to see the Bee*Movie this afternoon. Teagan's face looks even worse today. He's got quite a shiner. Poor baby.

Not sure how I'll deal with my baby gushing blood. I expect it'll happen at some point. I know I'm trained to handle emergencies and all. Just not real confident in how I'll handle my own. Maybe I'll wrap Mia in bubble wrap until she's 20.

And as if her weekend wasn't exciting enough....
today's my sister's birthday!

Happy Birthday Carla!

Friday, January 18, 2008

* I've Got An Announcement To Make!!!! *

No ...not me!!

I'm going to be an aunt again!! For the fifth time. ( I think my sister may have been dropped on her head as a child. LOL! ) But seriously.... she's always wanted five children. So this was intentional.

Our new addition is expected in August. Any suggestions for another good name that starts with the letter T?

* Edited to add:
We already have a Tanner, Travis, Tatum and Teagan.
My current faves are Tahlia, Tori, and Tea' (pronounced tay-uh).
We absolutely adore our three boys....
but can you tell I'm really hoping to have a little sister? LOL!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

I've Got Mail

I got a very interesting piece of mail today. This was all it said for the return address. And this is what I found inside. A portrait of yours truly. I hope she doesn't actually think my head is that big.
So I called to tell her thanks for drawing me a picture. And this is the conversation we had.

Tatum: I can make another picture to mail you. What else do you like?
Me: Hmmmm....I don't know.
Tatum: Well, I know you like penguins. But what else? Like what about butterflies? Or ladybugs?
Me: Oh yeah...I really like ladybugs.
Tatum: Okay. I'll make you a picture with stickers on it. With ladybug stickers.
Me: Oh don't have to use your ladybug stickers for me.
Tatum: Well, I don't have any ladybug stickers.
Me: Uhhhhhhhh okay.
Tatum: Who delivered your mail?
Me: The mailman.
Tatum: Ohhhhhhhh. Well, Teagan pee'd in my room.

Conversation is always interesting with a 5 year old.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Set Your DVR's!

It's that time again. A new season of AI starts tonight. I love the first few episodes of auditions. When they showcase all the really awful singers. Especially the crazy ones. It's hilarous to watch them go off. Yeah... it doesn't take much to entertain me.

Let's hope we don't have another Sanjaya season. Did I even spell his name right? He seems to have already exhausted his 15 minutes of fame. Poor kid.

So for the next few months my DVR will be set to record every episode. is good!

Monday, January 14, 2008

Another LID-versary

Wanted to acknowledge the passing of another month but just really got nothing to say about it.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Purposeful Blogging..... hmmmmm

Thanks to my homegirl, sea star, for nominating me for this award. I'm honored. Truly. But do I actually get anything? A prize, maybe? LOL! If you click back to the links from the original poster of this thing like I did, you'll see that we may have strayed a bit from what they intended this to be. But that doesn't mean that different voices don't also speak with purpose.

When I started the blog, I did it for all the same reasons as everyone else. It was a place to document my journey on the path to my daughter, it was a way to journal my feelings and reflect back on them, and it was an easy way for my family to keep track of what's going on in my life. And I figured I might connect with a few cool people along the way since I'd already been chatting with I-Con thru her blog. She was the one who really encouraged me to start my own and should take all the credit for the look of this place. I told her what I wanted and she made it happen. That's how technologically impaired I was back in July '06 when I first posted. I'm not much further along now unfortunately but that's beside the point....

I'm not going to gush over how many amazing people I've met thru this blog. Cuz you've all heard me say it before. It truly has been life changing for me though. I never would've imagined that some of the women that I now hold as my closest friends were brought to me thru this. I am grateful for that.

So I had to think about what my purpose is here for all of you that read. Again... I'm honored that you do. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to know that you find my life that interesting. And think what I have to say is worth a few minutes of your day.

My purpose here is no different than it is in my every day life, I guess. I'm pretty much the same person here as I am there. I always try to keep it real. I don't like to play games and I absolutely will not tolerate bullshit. I speak my mind. Sometimes too much. But I have a good heart and I try to show that. I'm nauseatingly optimistic, usually. And I love to have fun!

But if this blog has any type of "purpose" at all, I guess it would be to remind people to be grateful. That's my message. My mantra. Those of you who know my history, know that I came very close to dying. Just about as close as you can get. That changed something in me. Something huge. It made me completely aware of the blessings in my life.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel grateful. Not just because I'm still here. But for Everything. Like the big things, of course. My good health, my family's health, my job, my friends, the love in my life, having a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my belly, the fact that I live in a country where bombs aren't going off constantly and I have the freedom to go where I want, do what I want, have opinions and speak them, etc etc... you get the idea.

But I'm grateful for the little things, too. I guess the best way to illustrate that is to ask this. On a bright, warm sunshiney day have you ever stopped for just a few minutes to take it all in? To feel the sun on your face, watch the trees sway in the breeze, hear the birds singing and the kids playing down the street? To really see and admire the vibrant blue sky, the bright yellow sun, the deep green of the trees, the pure white clouds? Then take a deep breath in thru your nose, exhale it out, relax and just wonder in the beauty that surrounds you? And say thank you? To whoever or whatever that decided that you should be here to be a part of it.
I have. And it makes me smile. Every time.

I've said it before on this blog and I'll probably say it again.
But this is my message.........

Appreciate your life.
Count your blessings.
Be grateful.
Life is short.
Live fully.
Be happy.

We all have days when we're down.
I've had my fair share, trust me.
But if you choose to live your life
there's no way that you can't be happy.
Happy deep down in your inner core.
And that happiness, that contentment......
will always find it's way back.
Even when things feel dark.

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
~ Abraham Lincoln

Couldn't of said it better myself, Abe!

Now apparently, I have to nominate some other blogs that I feel have a purpose and list the rules and stuff. This was hard. Because every blog I read has a purpose for me. Some make me laugh, some educate me, some make me open my mind and think more, some offer unwavering support. But I picked only two because some of the others I would've chosen have already been named. And because I want other people to have a chance to pass this thing around. So I'm breaking the rules a little but I nominate..........

Alison and her blog My Chinese Dream. She's one of the first single mom blogs I found. She always tells it like it is. She keeps it very real. ...the great things about motherhood and the hard stuff, too. I've learned so much about how I want to parent my daughter from her experiences. And I've been lucky enough to meet her and the beautiful Mali Sue in real life. So this woman that I worshiped from afar, I am now blessed to call my friend.

I-Con and her blog Somewhere in China. I think I almost always nominate her for whatever award comes down the pike. But that's cuz I love her so much. She's a gift. Truly. Her blog is funny, heartwarming, open and honest. I feel lucky to call her my friend as well.

Awarded parties must nominate five people who have not received the award.
1. The blogs that receive the award must serve some purpose.
2. In their post about the award they need to link back to
the original entry.
3. Awarded parties must post the award banner on their site. The banner must remain linked to
Eric Novak's site.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Screw That Box

So everyone's talking about the changes on the CC*AA website. The little document processing box will no longer be there. Which basically means that they're not making it public knowledge as far as what log in date they've referred up to or what log in dates have made it thru the Review Room.

I'm not surprised. China adoption has become one long, winding, up and down rollercoaster ride. I used to ride with my hands fearlessly thrown in the air. Now I'm just hanging on for dear life with my eyes clenched tightly shut trying not to puke.

I'm not really concerned about the disappearance of the little box. Those of us who follow Rumor Queen always know the cut off long before they switch the box anyway. The only thing we're really losing is the Review Room info.

And I think what a lot of us are forgetting is that they announced awhile back a new pay-for-info policy. I thought the box was coming down then. But it stuck around a bit longer. So this translates to me that a public info box has now become a private info box for only agencies to see.

I'm not gonna let it get my panties in a bunch. Because this is a new year. One that I will not waste fretting over what China may or may not do. I'm not gonna pick apart every little thing that happens and "what if" it to death. Because the truth is that none of us know what the hell is going on. Except that the CC*AA has publicly said that things are slowing down but that if we're patient and hang with them, we'll get a referral in the end.
I'm choosing to believe that.

So unless my agency calls and tells me "Sorry.... China changed their mind.... No baby for you", I'm just gonna keep on living my life and keep on keeping the faith. I'm with you, Kayce!

Monday, January 07, 2008

One Week Down...

51 more to go. So far so good. The new year hasn't been half bad. Things are looking up. I can feel my mood lifting. The wait still sucks. It always will. But I'm not feeling so stuck in it anymore. Gawd... I hope this wave lasts. I give all of you permission to grab me by the shoulders and shake me if I start whining again. Oh wait... you can't reach through the computer. Maybe just a good pep talk then. I'll do the same.

It was 65 degrees here today. In January. That's ridiculous even for Ohio. I felt bad for the little 10 yr old from across the street who shoveled my snow on Friday. All of her effort was wasted cuz the snow melted. I saw her mom outside today and asked about why she did it. She said she was just feeling stir crazy and wanted to go outside for awhile. She saw me leave and asked her mom if she could shovel my driveway to surprise me. Awwwww... isn't that the sweetest? I mean just look at this driveway! That's a lot of shoveling. I took this pic last February when we got 9 inches of snow. You can see the cheater lazy way that I shoveled it. The 10 yr old actually shoveled the whole thing! So to say thanks, I gathered up all my leftover Christmas candy and gave it to her. We could all learn a valuable lesson from that 10 yr old. Show kindness to others and it'll be returned to you, little grasshopper.

I stopped at the grocery on the way home from work to get some bananas. You're all thrilled by that revelation, aren't you? But the point I was gonna make is that I was surrounded by a sea of scarlet and gray. The big OSU vs LSU game is tonight. It's the championship. Huge around here. And everyone seemed to be wearing the team colors. A couple guys on my squad even took the day off work tomorrow in anticipation of their impending hangovers. Our team is getting slammed in the press. Apparently, we're the underdogs. All I have to say is Go Bucks!

Okay ... onto week two of 2008. Wish me luck. LOL!

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Penguin Overload

Since I'm doing my normal avoidance of housework, I decided to share with you some of the newest penguin hoopla that has entered my house. The holidays can be both a blessing and a curse when it comes to all things penguin. Cuz there is so much more penguin related merchandise available. I guess retail thinks that they're a symbol of Christmas. Or maybe just wintertime in general. Whatever the case may be, penguin stuff is all over the stores. And it's just too much temptation for me to resist.

These are gifts. The red towels, wash cloth bundle and soap dispenser were a gift left at my back door by "Santa". However, I think the real culprits are my sweet next door neighbors, Jeremy & Nikki. The blue towels and the beanie penguin came from my bloggy homegirl, sea star. Remember this post? Yep, I inherited them. Thanks T. I don't even mind that you didn't wash them. LOL!
The pot holder and socks came from my sister. The cool ass ornament came from Lee Ann in my Single Adoptive Mom's Group. Is that not perfect for me? A penguin surfing in a margarita glass!! I love it! And the gorgeous silver salt and pepper shakers came from all the way from Canada.
The pics don't do them justice. They're really beautiful.... and heavy. Rhonda even wrapped them in penguin paper and sent along a penguin card. I needed a new S&P set because of my kitchen re-do. The old set was pink and didn't match anymore. I just hadn't found anything that I liked yet. These are perfect! Thanks Rhonda!
This came from Teri. She's one of the secretaries at work. The place would fall apart without her. She's also a fellow penguin collector and a loyal reader of the blog. This is Mia's first hooded towel. Appropriate that it should be a penguin. Thanks Teri!
This was one of my purchases. I absolutely love it! It's pink and green, too.
Check out the detail on this sweater. It's gorgeous! I chose a 2T thinking that Mia will wear it someday when she's a little bigger. This was another great E*bay find. Can you see the price tag? It's a fancy boutique sweater that was listed originally at $59.50. I paid $12 for it. Score!
Remember Miss Sophie's cute little penguin leg warmers? Since I gave her Mia's pair, I needed to replace them.
But look what else I found! I was shopping in Tarjay one day and happened across a pair of matching socks for momma. Are these not the cutest? Now don't ask me how we'll wear these. Cuz I haven't thought that far ahead. I also found these cute little penguin holiday hair clips on E*bay.
The penguin cupcake pan was another Tarjay impulse buy. But I ask, who needs to make a penguin cake more than I? I absolutely had to have it. The ornament was marked down 60% off in an after Christmas sale. And look at the freakin' Snack Trap! I knew I wanted some of these when I heard other parents sing their praises. Who knew they made one with a penguin?! Mia is now the proud owner of three of these babies.
This isn't penguin related but I thought I'd toss it in. My friend, Qin, recently went back to China to visit family. She promised to bring me something from China. It's from the Jiangsu Province. The little kissing girl and boy are ceramic. She said it represents "best wishes". But what's more amazing is that their clothes are pink and green. Qin had no idea that these are my favorite colors. Interesting, huh....
And I also finally have her name right. Her given name is Jing. But her nickname is Qin which is pronounced "Cheen". I always thought she was prounouncing it "Ching". But she gave me a card with the above gift with her name written inside. Which sparked a conversation about how not only was I spelling it wrong but also pronouncing it wrong. Oops. Now I know.

So thanks to everyone for the gifts. I do appreciate them all. I guess it's time to clean the house. I've procrastinated long enough. Damn.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Random Thoughts

Feeling pretty good this week in spite of the dismal referral batch. Just trying really hard to stick my head in the sand and not think about it. That's about the only way I can deal with it right now.

For those who don't hang on each referral batch (meaning this is an explanation for my family), they've only matched through Dec 19, 2005. Just to put that in perspective, here's an idea of just how slow things have been. On Jan 3, 2007 referrals came out starting with the LID of Sept 9, 2005. So basically in the entire year of 2007, they matched LID's from Sept 9- Dec 19. My LID is June 14, 2006. Yeah... you do the math. Now you may understand why I've been so moody and depressed lately. And no.. I have no idea why it's taking so long.

But things are looking up. I have something fun planned for my birthday next month. Really looking forward to it. I'll be celebrating with some of my favorite people. More details later.

Tonight I came home from working both my jobs which was followed by a never fun trip to the grocery store to find my driveway had been shoveled. We got about 3-4 inches on new year's day. And no I hadn't shoveled yet. I hate to shovel and just didn't feel like it. So there's a note on my backdoor from the 10 yr old that lives across the street. Seems she had shoveled my driveway and salted it as her "good deed". I wonder what that means. Is it a school project? Something for church? Some parental punishment for misbehaving? Or just a true good deed?Whatever. It was just wonderful to come home to. So I'll have to do something to thank her for it.

I spoke to a friend yesterday who gave me the news that she's pregnant. I'm truly happy for her. I am. But yeah... it stung just a tiny little bit. I've seen plenty of people get pregnant and give birth since I started this process. And yet, here I still am.

We had an interesting conversation though. Her sister and bro-in-law ( also friends of mine) are starting fertility treatments next month. He has an issue where his swimmers can't get to where they need to because of a blocked tube or something. They've made no secret that the only way they could ever get pregnant was with medical intervention.

Anyway, they got a call from someone who is a mutual acquaintance of all of us asking if they'd be interested in adopting a baby. Seems this person's teenage niece was pregnant. They declined since they want to try the pregnancy route first.

My friend was telling me this as a way of hinting that maybe I should call this mutual friend myself. I thought about it. For all of about 2 minutes. I just couldn't get past the feeling that I'd be abandoning Mia. Cuz no other child can be my daughter waiting in China. I've dreamed of her for so long that I just can't picture our family any other way. Does that make sense?

But it was reassuring in the way that it again showed me that I need to just be patient and stick this out. I was put on this path for a reason. I'll get to the end of the journey eventually.

Nothing much planned for the weekend yet. Just cleaning, organizing, continuing with the redecorating that's going on around here. Maybe I'll pop over and see the T's at some point. Hope y'all have a great weekend. Do something fun.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

My Clean Slate

I couldn't sleep the other night. For some reason, I started reading back through my old blog posts. It didn't start with the intention of reading through the entire year. But it ended up that way. I guess it was a subconscious way for me to reflect over 2007. And it made me realize how much I appreciate this blog. I love that I was able to look back and remember what I was doing at certain times. A cyber scrapbook, of sorts. It also made me really absorb some of the feelings and emotions I was dealing with throughout the year. I didn't realize just how much I use this place to journal that.

As I read through every month, I could see the very obvious shift in my attitude. I could see the start of my sadness in the way that I wrote and the things that I said. The beginning of the year was fine. All the way through the summer for the most part. Right around Sept-Oct, I hit a major funk. I could clearly see it. And that helped me to analyze it and understand it.

It started in September right after I returned from my vacation to Mexico. Spending a week with my two friend's beautiful toddler girls was very bittersweet. I adore them and had the most fun. But it was a constant reminder of what I was missing.

Then October came with trick-or-treating and dreams of what costume I'll choose for Mia when she finally gets to join us. Seeing all the pics of children in the pumpkin patch. Imagining how much fun that hayride will be someday as I experience it with my daughter on my lap.

Then November and looking around at my family wondering how things will change with my daughter joining us around the Thanksgiving dinner table. I'm the only childless one now since my brother has taken on the daddy role with his girlfriend's son. And as much as I love being the fun aunt, it's just not enough.
I want to be a fun mommy.

And then the biggest, hardest one of all. December and Christmas. My favorite time of the year filled with all of my favorite things to do. I love Christmas and can't wait to share it with my daughter. But this year it hurt. Bad. Last Christmas, I really hung on to the belief that it was probably my last one without her. I've finally accepted the truth of this wait. I used to delude myself with all the "maybe things will speed up" crap. And that was easier. But you can only do that for so long. So it wasn't necessarily this holiday that was so hard for me to get through. But the acceptance in knowing that I'll have to get through Christmas 2008 as well. Maybe even 2009. And feeling like that is so far away. It really knocked the wind out of me.

Reading through the posts from the last few months, seeing it on the blog all laid out in black and white was a huge wake up call. And it really pissed me off. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I refuse to give in to depression. But I had. I let it defeat me. I wasted so much time. Me... of all people. The one who preaches to appreciate what you have and live life to the fullest. I wasn't doing that at all. I supposedly had already learned, in a very hard lesson, to understand what a gift my life is. What a hypocrite. I got lost for awhile and I forgot what's important. But I'm done with that.

The new year gives everyone a sense of being able to start over with a clean slate. It's a time of hope and possibility. It's energizing and rejuvenating. A fresh start. We make resolutions. We decide that THIS year will be different. Well, this year will be different for me dammit. I have so many things in my life to be grateful for. I have so many things I want to do.

I know there will be times that I feel sad as I continue to wait for my daughter. But I can't let those feelings suck the life right outta me. Not again. I can't let myself become paralyzed with this wait. I've got to continue to live. And be happy. Cuz if you're not happy... then what's the point, really?

So this year, some changes. Most importantly, I will lose this weight that I've been carrying as an anchor around my neck for so long. I'll stop letting it drag me under. It sucks to realize that this was my resolution last year. But I didn't succeed. I saw another year pass with the same conflict. Why can I have my shit together in so many other ways but constantly struggle with something that is completely within my control? This has got to stop. I need to physically and emotionally be in a better place with this. So that I can be a better person and a better mom when that day finally comes. So look out, Johnny, cuz I'm saying it out loud. I may never be a supermodel.... but I will lose some weight, start exercising again, get stronger and live healthier this year.
Woo hoo! And this time I mean it. LOL!

I'm also going to get all the things done around my house that need to be finished before baby comes home. This is a continuation of another resolution from last year. I've done a lot in '07. But it's still not quite where I want it to be. So I'm going to get it there. Now. While I have the time and the energy. And I started by calling the furniture store this morning and ordering the china cabinet I've been drooling over for awhile. Do I need it? No. But I want it. And why shouldn't I have it? I bust my ass working two jobs so that I'll have little or no debt when this adoption is finished. (Another resolution from last year that has made good progress.) Seems like I have another whole year or two to keep saving. So in the meantime, I'm buying a china cabinet. Plus it was 24 months same as cash. So which will come first.... paying off my new spectacular piece of furniture or a referral? Hmmmmm....

So there it is. Laid out for all the world to see. Down in black and white for me to reflect upon in another 12 months. But next year, I won't have as many regrets. Because Ms Sunshiney Pants is back, people. I'm feeling good again. I've pulled my head outta my ass (probably not for the last time but at least for now) and I'm getting on with it. I am a strong woman. I can do this!
I'm ready 2008! Whatcha got for me? I'm ready, bitch. So bring it!