Tuesday, January 01, 2008

My Clean Slate

I couldn't sleep the other night. For some reason, I started reading back through my old blog posts. It didn't start with the intention of reading through the entire year. But it ended up that way. I guess it was a subconscious way for me to reflect over 2007. And it made me realize how much I appreciate this blog. I love that I was able to look back and remember what I was doing at certain times. A cyber scrapbook, of sorts. It also made me really absorb some of the feelings and emotions I was dealing with throughout the year. I didn't realize just how much I use this place to journal that.

As I read through every month, I could see the very obvious shift in my attitude. I could see the start of my sadness in the way that I wrote and the things that I said. The beginning of the year was fine. All the way through the summer for the most part. Right around Sept-Oct, I hit a major funk. I could clearly see it. And that helped me to analyze it and understand it.

It started in September right after I returned from my vacation to Mexico. Spending a week with my two friend's beautiful toddler girls was very bittersweet. I adore them and had the most fun. But it was a constant reminder of what I was missing.

Then October came with trick-or-treating and dreams of what costume I'll choose for Mia when she finally gets to join us. Seeing all the pics of children in the pumpkin patch. Imagining how much fun that hayride will be someday as I experience it with my daughter on my lap.

Then November and looking around at my family wondering how things will change with my daughter joining us around the Thanksgiving dinner table. I'm the only childless one now since my brother has taken on the daddy role with his girlfriend's son. And as much as I love being the fun aunt, it's just not enough.
I want to be a fun mommy.

And then the biggest, hardest one of all. December and Christmas. My favorite time of the year filled with all of my favorite things to do. I love Christmas and can't wait to share it with my daughter. But this year it hurt. Bad. Last Christmas, I really hung on to the belief that it was probably my last one without her. I've finally accepted the truth of this wait. I used to delude myself with all the "maybe things will speed up" crap. And that was easier. But you can only do that for so long. So it wasn't necessarily this holiday that was so hard for me to get through. But the acceptance in knowing that I'll have to get through Christmas 2008 as well. Maybe even 2009. And feeling like that is so far away. It really knocked the wind out of me.

Reading through the posts from the last few months, seeing it on the blog all laid out in black and white was a huge wake up call. And it really pissed me off. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I refuse to give in to depression. But I had. I let it defeat me. I wasted so much time. Me... of all people. The one who preaches to appreciate what you have and live life to the fullest. I wasn't doing that at all. I supposedly had already learned, in a very hard lesson, to understand what a gift my life is. What a hypocrite. I got lost for awhile and I forgot what's important. But I'm done with that.

The new year gives everyone a sense of being able to start over with a clean slate. It's a time of hope and possibility. It's energizing and rejuvenating. A fresh start. We make resolutions. We decide that THIS year will be different. Well, this year will be different for me dammit. I have so many things in my life to be grateful for. I have so many things I want to do.

I know there will be times that I feel sad as I continue to wait for my daughter. But I can't let those feelings suck the life right outta me. Not again. I can't let myself become paralyzed with this wait. I've got to continue to live. And be happy. Cuz if you're not happy... then what's the point, really?

So this year, some changes. Most importantly, I will lose this weight that I've been carrying as an anchor around my neck for so long. I'll stop letting it drag me under. It sucks to realize that this was my resolution last year. But I didn't succeed. I saw another year pass with the same conflict. Why can I have my shit together in so many other ways but constantly struggle with something that is completely within my control? This has got to stop. I need to physically and emotionally be in a better place with this. So that I can be a better person and a better mom when that day finally comes. So look out, Johnny, cuz I'm saying it out loud. I may never be a supermodel.... but I will lose some weight, start exercising again, get stronger and live healthier this year.
Woo hoo! And this time I mean it. LOL!

I'm also going to get all the things done around my house that need to be finished before baby comes home. This is a continuation of another resolution from last year. I've done a lot in '07. But it's still not quite where I want it to be. So I'm going to get it there. Now. While I have the time and the energy. And I started by calling the furniture store this morning and ordering the china cabinet I've been drooling over for awhile. Do I need it? No. But I want it. And why shouldn't I have it? I bust my ass working two jobs so that I'll have little or no debt when this adoption is finished. (Another resolution from last year that has made good progress.) Seems like I have another whole year or two to keep saving. So in the meantime, I'm buying a china cabinet. Plus it was 24 months same as cash. So which will come first.... paying off my new spectacular piece of furniture or a referral? Hmmmmm....

So there it is. Laid out for all the world to see. Down in black and white for me to reflect upon in another 12 months. But next year, I won't have as many regrets. Because Ms Sunshiney Pants is back, people. I'm feeling good again. I've pulled my head outta my ass (probably not for the last time but at least for now) and I'm getting on with it. I am a strong woman. I can do this!
I'm ready 2008! Whatcha got for me? I'm ready, bitch. So bring it!

37 comments:

Johnny said...

Hey you, I'm rootin' for ya! You just hit the wall, same as other folks. Glad you're back in the saddle, so to speak!

I'm still following along, waiting on your good news.

Doris & Dan said...

Girl, get out of my head! I just want to hide out and not live life. I am deciding that no more putting shit on hold. Gotta live it and gotta love it. Thx for letting me know I am not the only one.

Keep smilin!

Rhonda said...

All the best for 2008! I know exactly what you mean about letting the wait get to you...

By the way, any pics of this fantabulous china cabinet?!

Debbie said...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Thanks for sharing your heart!!! 2008 is a new year and we will all get through this year and some of us will hopefully have our babies while others will still continue to wait. Know all the while the support that each of us has in this bloggy world!! You GO Girl!!

Norma said...

Sometimes it is bad or at least unpleasant things that make us stop short and see what we need to change. Good for you, Krista! And you will become a mommy - it is happened for me and for many others. All the best in this new year!

TBG Happenings said...

Thats the Special K that I know and Love!!! You are strong and you can kick some serious ass when you want to....so look out 2008 Krista is back!!!

Mamacita said...

Well said. Way to go. Break a leg and the like. I support you. And don't focus on weight....focus on health. You ARE a strong woman. And you funny and beautiful too!

P.S. I'm making 2008 my bitch too!

Julie said...

My money's on you. You deserved the furniture, enjoy it.

eggrolls and chopsticks said...

You go Sassy Pants!

You know you can do it and this year you will.

Happy enlightenment.

sea star said...

Do you know how much I luv you?
I'm so glad your back! Yep, I sensed the downward spiral of your head up your keyster, but I just knew you'd pluck it out soon and be back with a vengeance...and so you are.

Go spend some money. How about a plain ticket to paradise? We need a visit. I got a Margarator for Christmas, courtesy of my non drinking inlaws....God Bless them. You'll just love it.

Sandra said...

I LOVE this post. I can relate on certain levels and I am with you, I will lose my anchor this year as well!

Hope to see you soon!

Aggies said...

You sound great !.. Now can you send some of that my way ?.. I seem to be in a funk..

Traci in Texas
LID 5/18/06

Shannon said...

What a post! What spirit! I believe in you. I do request that you PLEASE drag me along (kicking and screaming perhaps!) in your quest to rise above the...crap. =)

Isabella's Mommy & Daddy said...

Glad you are back in Happyville...
Glad I can count on you to make sure that I don't get myself down...
Have a WONDERFUL New YEars...
You are an amazing woman...
Hugs to you..

Andrea said...

I'm right there with you!

Daniella said...

Happy New Year - Great post - I think so many of us are entering 08 a lot differnt than 07 - we know now what we are dealing with regarding this wait and your right -if we are not happy, what is the point? Well, here's to much happiness in 08 and we'll be here for each other when the wait does get to us! Go on and spend some money! Enjoy your new piece of furniture!

Catherine said...

Welcome back friend!!! You're gonna kick some butt this year and we're right beside ya, kickin' it with ya!

2008 will be great! Looking forward to seeing you sometime this year.

Mom2Boober-Do said...

Well damn if I didn't just snap my fingers and say to myself- "God I love this woman". You amaze me. You are so much a "what you see is what you get" kinda girl. And that is THE BEST. And don't beat yourself up about getting down about this wait. Gotta feel what you're feeling, it's a testament to how badly you want to be a mom. I'd be worried if it caused you to miss out on life, but it doesn't seem that it has-

Anyway. Here's to your clean slate. HUGE hug from me. You so rock.

Stacy said...

You are one of the strongest women I know. I am glad you are in a better place. That china cabinet sounds like it was meant to be yours. I can't wait to see pictures!

I am working on getting rid of my anchor too. Yesterday was day one. So far so good. LOL

I'm glad we are in this together. One day we are going to be sitting in Jayden's playroom laughing at all of this. We may be in rocking chairs instead of sitting on the floor, but we will be there laughing, false teeth slipping, and arthritis flaring up, but we will make it!!!

Love you woman!!

Donna said...

You go, girl! You're going to have a fab 2008!

Lisa and Tate said...

Happy New Year!

As I was reading this, I kept saying I could have written this! You put such clarity to what I have and am feeling... Thank you.


I will throw away all the left over holiday junk, get to the store to buy healthy alternatives and dust off the treadmill.... thanks for the wake-up call and claification!

Lisa

crazylady said...

I'll have whatever she's having bartender.

Noemi said...

Happy New Year Girly!

We will ALL be here chugging you along. Looking forward to seeing the Old Sassy Krist back!

2008 Watch out!

Caroline said...

What a great post! 2008 better watch out!

OziMum said...

You go girl! Wow!!! That was so inspiring!

I don't think anyone that has been waiting at least 12 months, hasn't hit a funk. I did, last year, around April. But then I realised how obsessed I'd become about "adoption" and was neglecting what I have right here, right now.

So, Preach it - Live it Sista!!!

Buckeyes & Eggrolls said...

Now that's the Krista I know and love!!! So glad you back on track!

i-Con said...

Holy crap...I can't believe I didn't see you go by on the up escalator out of hell as I'm traveling down.

Tell ya what, as soon as I get to the bottom I'll turn right around and come back up. It will have to be more fun up top with you.

Shannon said...

K- Can you email me your email address? Thanks. =)
sjanelles@yahoo.com

Alyson & Ford said...

Thanks for the great post! I am there with you! So much time has passed and so much to do! I have to have my goals and "to-do" lists right in front of me each day to stay focused - I am going to accomplish more too. Thanks for the pep talk!

Alyson
LID 01/27/06

redmaryjanes said...

Say it sister! Bring it on!

Janet said...

Okay....I believe you....please don't hurt me. :-)

Love your new attitude!

HUGS!!!

Two Kayaks said...

I Have total faith in you and look forward to seeing you achieve your goals for the year.

Jennifer said...

Hi, I found you through your secret pal's blog. Our lid is 6/27/06.
I hit my wall at about the same time you did last year and I never wanted to be that woman either.
Good luck in achieving all of your new year's goals!
Jennifer

chou-chou said...

you GO girl.

Noemi said...

Thank you for your kind words on my blog. The more I thought about it the more I told myself that it is what it is. I am so glad I can count on friends like you to bring a smile to my face!

Hugs!

Shannon said...

You go! Kick ass in 08!

Headmeister said...

Woo hoo girl! Go for it! It's gonna be an amazing year, I can feel it!!!