My Clean Slate

I couldn't sleep the other night. For some reason, I started reading back through my old blog posts. It didn't start with the intention of reading through the entire year. But it ended up that way. I guess it was a subconscious way for me to reflect over 2007. And it made me realize how much I appreciate this blog. I love that I was able to look back and remember what I was doing at certain times. A cyber scrapbook, of sorts. It also made me really absorb some of the feelings and emotions I was dealing with throughout the year. I didn't realize just how much I use this place to journal that.

As I read through every month, I could see the very obvious shift in my attitude. I could see the start of my sadness in the way that I wrote and the things that I said. The beginning of the year was fine. All the way through the summer for the most part. Right around Sept-Oct, I hit a major funk. I could clearly see it. And that helped me to analyze it and understand it.

It started in September right after I returned from my vacation to Mexico. Spending a week with my two friend's beautiful toddler girls was very bittersweet. I adore them and had the most fun. But it was a constant reminder of what I was missing.

Then October came with trick-or-treating and dreams of what costume I'll choose for Mia when she finally gets to join us. Seeing all the pics of children in the pumpkin patch. Imagining how much fun that hayride will be someday as I experience it with my daughter on my lap.

Then November and looking around at my family wondering how things will change with my daughter joining us around the Thanksgiving dinner table. I'm the only childless one now since my brother has taken on the daddy role with his girlfriend's son. And as much as I love being the fun aunt, it's just not enough.
I want to be a fun mommy.

And then the biggest, hardest one of all. December and Christmas. My favorite time of the year filled with all of my favorite things to do. I love Christmas and can't wait to share it with my daughter. But this year it hurt. Bad. Last Christmas, I really hung on to the belief that it was probably my last one without her. I've finally accepted the truth of this wait. I used to delude myself with all the "maybe things will speed up" crap. And that was easier. But you can only do that for so long. So it wasn't necessarily this holiday that was so hard for me to get through. But the acceptance in knowing that I'll have to get through Christmas 2008 as well. Maybe even 2009. And feeling like that is so far away. It really knocked the wind out of me.

Reading through the posts from the last few months, seeing it on the blog all laid out in black and white was a huge wake up call. And it really pissed me off. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I refuse to give in to depression. But I had. I let it defeat me. I wasted so much time. Me... of all people. The one who preaches to appreciate what you have and live life to the fullest. I wasn't doing that at all. I supposedly had already learned, in a very hard lesson, to understand what a gift my life is. What a hypocrite. I got lost for awhile and I forgot what's important. But I'm done with that.

The new year gives everyone a sense of being able to start over with a clean slate. It's a time of hope and possibility. It's energizing and rejuvenating. A fresh start. We make resolutions. We decide that THIS year will be different. Well, this year will be different for me dammit. I have so many things in my life to be grateful for. I have so many things I want to do.

I know there will be times that I feel sad as I continue to wait for my daughter. But I can't let those feelings suck the life right outta me. Not again. I can't let myself become paralyzed with this wait. I've got to continue to live. And be happy. Cuz if you're not happy... then what's the point, really?

So this year, some changes. Most importantly, I will lose this weight that I've been carrying as an anchor around my neck for so long. I'll stop letting it drag me under. It sucks to realize that this was my resolution last year. But I didn't succeed. I saw another year pass with the same conflict. Why can I have my shit together in so many other ways but constantly struggle with something that is completely within my control? This has got to stop. I need to physically and emotionally be in a better place with this. So that I can be a better person and a better mom when that day finally comes. So look out, Johnny, cuz I'm saying it out loud. I may never be a supermodel.... but I will lose some weight, start exercising again, get stronger and live healthier this year.
Woo hoo! And this time I mean it. LOL!

I'm also going to get all the things done around my house that need to be finished before baby comes home. This is a continuation of another resolution from last year. I've done a lot in '07. But it's still not quite where I want it to be. So I'm going to get it there. Now. While I have the time and the energy. And I started by calling the furniture store this morning and ordering the china cabinet I've been drooling over for awhile. Do I need it? No. But I want it. And why shouldn't I have it? I bust my ass working two jobs so that I'll have little or no debt when this adoption is finished. (Another resolution from last year that has made good progress.) Seems like I have another whole year or two to keep saving. So in the meantime, I'm buying a china cabinet. Plus it was 24 months same as cash. So which will come first.... paying off my new spectacular piece of furniture or a referral? Hmmmmm....

So there it is. Laid out for all the world to see. Down in black and white for me to reflect upon in another 12 months. But next year, I won't have as many regrets. Because Ms Sunshiney Pants is back, people. I'm feeling good again. I've pulled my head outta my ass (probably not for the last time but at least for now) and I'm getting on with it. I am a strong woman. I can do this!
I'm ready 2008! Whatcha got for me? I'm ready, bitch. So bring it!