Saturday, September 06, 2008

Questions Answered: Part 7

I haven't forgotten that I still have a few more of your questions to answer. Today I'll talk about my wedding day. And a little about the marriage, too. LOL!

Because C asked "Do you wish you never got married or are you glad that you did? Will you ever get married again?"

I don't regret getting married. I learned a lot of lessons from the whole thing. My wedding day was May 30, 1999. My divorce was final on May 2, 2001. Quick, wasn't it? Technically we got a "Decree of Dissolution of Marriage" instead of a divorce. Because we were in agreement about how to split our assets and there were no children involved. I think disillusioned is a better way to put it... cuz boy was I ever. But let's talk about the hard stuff later.

One of the biggest reasons I don't regret getting married is because I got to have a wedding. Now that may sound superficial... and in a way I guess it is. But to this day I still have wonderful memories of "The Day" itself. The days after.... maybe not so much.

First, let's talk about my dress. I loved my dress. It was so incredibly beautiful. The dress I'd always dreamed about. And it was comfortable. Surprised? I was. Even with the train bussled up I could move freely. It was light as a feather. Gawd.... I loved that dress! I really felt beautiful that day.It had gorgeous beading on the bodice and a full tulle skirt. My headpiece was custom made to match the beading on the dress. The veil was removable from the headpiece. I had it made that way so at the reception it could come off. I was prepared to get my groove on and didn't want to worry about someone accidentally yanking it off. LOL! Can you tell I loved my dress? Okay enough about it already... Look at my beautiful girls. They wore silver dresses. The wedding colors were pink and silver. Carla, I just realized you had a little farmer's tan going on. LOL! I never noticed that before. Look how skinny we were then. Damn... what happened? LOL! I love those little "kissing balls" my flower girls carried. Everyone looked so gorgeous that day.The church was impressive on it's own with that amazing pipe organ. But all decorated and lit with candles it was simply breathtaking. The pipe organ played while our wedding party went down the aisle.My (ex) mother-in-law is Scottish. So as a special surprise to her and her own mother who flew all the way from Scotland for the wedding, we chose a bagpiper to play me down the aisle. It was awesome! The pipe organ stopped playing as soon as all the wedding party were in their places. And then there was a pause... for dramatic effect. Just a silence long enough for everyone to fidget in their seats and wonder what was going on. Where was the bride?

Suddenly, the bag piper stepped into the doorway and started playing. His mother and grandmother cried their eyes out. It was a total surprise. They had no idea. It was no easy feat to find a place for him to warm up while keeping the ladies away and occupied so they couldn't hear those bagpipes. But it was so worth it.He walked down the aisle before me and stepped over to the side down by the altar. Then I made my grand entrance into the doorway. It was perfect! I loved every second of it. I took the advice of BTDT brides who'd told me their biggest regret was rushing down the aisle, looking straight ahead and not paying attention. So I paused in the doorway and just soaked it all in. Then I started my walk. Slow and deliberate. I looked all around at the guests. I even waved at a few. I was all smiles... and so happy. I was like Miss America on her victory march. It was actually quite sickening. LOL!The funny behind the scenes part is that as the bagpiper was going down the aisle... I was behind that doorway completely freaking out! I felt like I was going to keel over. I told the assistant to the photographer (who was my right hand woman getting me through every bit of that day .....thank gawd for her!) I couldn't do it. I'm telling you I got the worst case of stage fright ever. I kept repeating "I can't do this! I can't do this!". It was the most horrible case of nerves. I got really hot and thought I was going to pass out. She took that giant dress and started fanning it out.... you know like how you flip your sheets on the bed.... to cool me off. It was hysterical. I wish I had some photos of that moment! But as soon as I stepped into the doorway, I regained my composure and no one had any clue as to what had just happened. LOL!

The cake was spectacular and absolutely delicious. Every tier was a different flavor. You probably can't see (since I took a digital picture of the photos out of my wedding album) but the flowers on the cake were made to match the beading and flowers on my dress. I'm telling you I planned out every little detail of this wedding. And no we didn't smash the cake in each other's face.
The reception was everything I'd always wanted. Beautiful centerpieces and decorations, delicious food, lots of friends, and an off the hook par-tay!! It still ranks right up there as the most amazing day I've ever had. I have wonderful memories of it all. I'm glad I got married for none other than to be able to experience that perfect moment in my life.But the truth is, I had an uneasy feeling when we danced our first dance. Like I'd just made the biggest mistake. But I shoved it away, blamed it on nerves, the exhaustion of wedding planning, whatever. Now looking back, I realize that I knew in that moment this thing wouldn't last and I wasn't truly happy with him. I thought I was. But now that I'm a little older and wiser, I see the mistakes I made.

He popped the question completely out of the blue. Just under a year of us being together. We were living together but had never even discussed marriage. Or our future. We were just living day to day. I got star struck with the bling and I said yes.

For the next year and a half, it was all about planning my magical wedding day. I made the same mistake that so many other women make. I got caught up in the fairy tale and didn't think about what it'd mean to actually be "married". All I could focus on was the wedding.

Now that I have some perspective, I know that I settled. And I shouldn't have. I loved him and he loved me. But we weren't madly, passionately "in love" with each other. Oh.. we thought we were and we said we were. But now that I know better, I can see that we weren't. We both looked good on paper so to speak. We had all the right qualifications for what each one would want in a spouse. And we did what we thought the next step should be. But we weren't really madly in love.

Which is where all the problems started. Because if you don't have that as a solid foundation, you can't fall back on it when you start getting on each other's nerves. Which all couples do at some point. We were just really different people. Too different. Looking back, I think we would've ended up divorced eventually anyway.

Unfortunately.... or maybe I should say fortunately, my ex helped speed up that process by being unfaithful. Six months into our marriage. That was one of the most difficult things for me to get through. I felt like my whole world got turned upside down. To be betrayed by the one person who should always be in your corner, the person who promised to love you and take care of you, the person you thought you could trust... was devastating.

We separated for a few months but then tried to work it out. Cuz we were "married" and figured we needed to try at least. I think I just didn't want to face it at that point. I wanted to believe all the crap he was feeding me. And I didn't want to have to admit to everyone that I'd made a mistake. I mean we'd just had this huge wedding. Some of the damn gifts hadn't even been opened yet. I felt ashamed, embarrassed. I didn't want to be seen as a failure. Which, in hindsight, was all so stupid. I just wasn't strong enough to stand up for myself yet.

We were together for another 6 months after he moved back in before I asked for a divorce. I finally woke up and decided I couldn't get past it. I didn't trust him anymore. And I wasn't truly happy. Not just because of the affair, but because I'd finally admitted to myself that he just wasn't the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I know now that I would've come to that conclusion at some point even if he'd always been faithful. But it took me awhile after the affair to get strong enough again and to realize I deserved more. So we ended it.

To finally answer the question... no I don't regret getting married. Because I got to live out the fantasy wedding day that every little girl dreams of and I have wonderful memories of that day which will stay with me forever. But more importantly, I learned so many lessons about myself. Now I know what I want and deserve from a relationship. It was certainly rough during the bad times. There were moments when I felt weak, shattered, devastated and could only curl up in a ball on the floor because my heart hurt so bad. But I wouldn't change it. Because it made me stronger and it opened my eyes to a lot of things.

But will I ever get married again? I know you should never say never.... but I doubt it. I'm happy being on my own. I like making my own decisions without compromising. I'm pretty set in my ways. I like that my life is simple. No drama. I know what to expect and there's no other person who could shake my foundation, like before.

Quite frankly, between the hurt and betrayal I've had, not just in my marriage but a few other relationships as well, I don't think I could ever really trust enough to let somebody get that close again. Kind of sucks, but it is what it is and I accept it. And my expectations are way too high. I'm not willing to settle for less than what I want and deserve. Unfortunately, what I want is a tall order to fill. But I still love men and enjoy their company. I just keep them at arm's length. And you can't have a healthy long term relationship that way.

Plus I'm so looking forward to adding a daughter into my life. And the complications, doubts and fears that brings to the table when you're talking about trying to date would have to be a whole other post!

25 comments:

Johnny said...

Great post! And your wedding pictures do look fab.

SAndra said...

Wow, thank you for sharing such a personal experience with us. I loved the pictures and you looked great!

Diana said...

You were a beautiful bride..This was a VERY honest post..I admire you for writing it!!!
Sooo..is he married and if so did he marry the person he cheated with? (sorry, I just had to ask).
Have a good weekend:)

Abby's Mom said...

You looked Beautiful! Good for you to be strong enough to stand up for yourself! And to be able to move on!

Isabella's Mommy and Daddy said...

LOVE this post..
I have been in this situation.. and don't say NEVER.. you might not know when the right one will sneak up on you... and they will be everything you thought you could not find in a man...
HUGS to you...
Have a Great Weekend...
BEAUTIFUL bride,dress,cake,wedding..

Candace said...

K,
I agree with others. You Look sooooo FAB. Girl you are so pretty! My Mom & I are seamstresses in our side Biz and I agree your DRESS is stunning! You describe it perfectly too!

Rhonda said...

What a deeply moving post, thanks for sharing it.

Never say never...

Michelle said...

Those pictures are beautiful! You look gorgeous. You are so right about needing to have that mad, passionate in love feeling in order for a marriage to work. I had(and still have) that with my husband and that is the main thing that has kept us together all of these(20) years. Because there have been times when I wanted to quit, and it was that love that kept me here. If we didn't have that foundation, we would not still be married today. Well, that and lots of marriage counseling. I think every couple needs to do that at some time in their marriage. Marriage is certainly not easy, that's for sure!

I always told myself I could forgive almost anything of the person I loved, except being unfaithful. Once that trust is gone, it would be impossible(for me) to get it back.

Thanks for sharing your story!

OziMum said...

Ooooo you had every right to feel like "Miss America"!!! Definitely looks like a day that had all the perfect trimmings.

Its funny, I've asked several people who split reasonable early on in their marriage, and all have said, that they "knew" on their wedding day that something wasn't quite right. I don't know whether they just say that, to make it feel easier? But I felt it was for forever on my wedding day, hence the utter devastation when hubs did the dirty on me. But, it may be the reason that I could take him back? And the reason for him to work really really hard to win back my trust - coz he felt the "forever" thing too... he just got a little distracted along the way?

I do hope you find a great bloke, he does treat you how you deserve to be treated - coz it is really nice.

sea star said...

Well now, weren't you just the picture perfect bride!

I want to see the face of the dude you were dancing with, I need a visual for the cheater. ;0)

Daniella said...

You were a beautiful bride! Your going to be a beautiful mom next up!

Wendy said...

Thanks for sharing your story! You were a beautiful bride! I loved looking at the pictures. And I totally get what you are saying about at least having the fantasy wedding day. :o)

Briana's Mom said...

You were such a pretty bride and your wedding was amazing. I am so sorry it all ended so sadly.

Joannah said...

Thanks for sharing your story and your pictures with us. You were a lovely bride. I'm glad you got to have that special day in your life. I longed for that for nearly twenty years, and now that I've been there done that, it's no longer a void in my life. Sounds superficial, but it's not really. It's a significant passage in life.

:-)

Debz said...

You were a beautiful bride, thanks for sharing your story.
I didn't think I'd ever let anyone that close to me ever again either, after years of dealing with my stuff and facing my fears Shane came along and ended up being a huge part of my healing process. You never know what the future may hold!

wzgirl said...

You're a smart cookie, Special K. And, you sure looked hot in that gown. xo

Suzie said...

What a great post!! You looked absolutely stunning on your wedding day. I too was married for just a short time and also knew it was wrong the minute the ceremony was over. Live and learn! I like to think that I am a better person because of the experience.

Suzie
LID 9/4/2006

redmaryjanes said...

I don't regret my first marriage either and I wouldn't change it.

Christina said...

I loved your story of your wedding and what ensued. I least I know I'm not alone. Just as you said, with the betrayal in that relationship and others, it would be hard to let someone else in that close. I'm trying, but I don't think it's going to happen.

And I really hate it when people say 'you'll find someone else' BLEH! Not everyone gets married, ya know, is what I say to them.

Thanks for posting :-)

PS my ex is the reason I had to delete the posts from my blog.

Julia said...

I'm a frequent lurker coming out of hiding because I feel like I could have written that last part about why you probably won't get married again. I've never been married, but have had enough bad relationships to know that it's probably best I escaped that one (at least for me). Had any one of a couple of guys asked, I would have said yes - then I probably could have written this whole thing similar to yours. It sounds like you're in such a great place right now though. Great post!

Lindsay said...

What a great, honest post. I could identify so much with what your wrote. And - as a good Scots lass who loves the pipes - wow! Impressed beyond belief you managed to keep his warm up hidden from your guests: a difficult feat at the best of times.

Like you, my ex and I split (after 11 years) due to his being unfaithful. To be honest, it was the best thing that ever happened to me: though I would never have thought so back then. We mourn, we move on and we learn. If nothing else I hope I can pass onto my daughter that it is better to be single than settle. Being in a bad relationship is not better than being in no relationship. You will pass your strength on to your daugher, and you will be an awesome mom!

Colleen said...

Beautiful pictures!!! Thank you for sharing that story...much of it I knew, and I hate that you went thru that. But - as I say, what doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger. Right?

You don't need a man to be happy. They are too much work and almost always annoying........LOL...

Miss ya!

Shannon said...

What a beautiful bride-such a gorgeous event! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. That part about right before you walked in, well I could totally visualize it! Great post from the heart. Could feel your strength and knowledge of self throughout. I admire that.

Elisa. said...

Great post, thaks for sharing your pictures and your honest feelings.
You did the right thing and finally went with your gut feeling.

Liene said...

Nice post. Krista, you were married on my birthday.

You're wedding really does look like it was beautiful. I think if Lane cheated on me, I would never get over it. But I know that's not his style. And I'm so sorry for every spouse that is cheated on. No one deserves that.