Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Stuck

I feel like something is wrong with me.

There are moments when I think of what is about to happen and my insides literally quiver with excitement. Moments when I feel like my heart will burst open with the love I already feel for this unknown little girl waiting somewhere in the world for me. Moments when I know without a doubt I'm ready to dive head first into motherhood.

But those moments are few and fleeting. There are a lot more moments when I still feel completely disconnected. Like I'm in a state of denial. I can't fully engage with this process. Lately, I've been more worried about getting the new curtains hung in my master bedroom or picking the perfect lamp ....instead of what I feel like I should be doing. Which is preparing to see my daughter's face in just a few short weeks.

Maybe it's just another way to try to protect my heart. After 5 long years of disappointment, you get used to expecting the worst, used to being let down, used to lowering your expectations again and again. So maybe.... subconsciously.... that's what my brain is doing.

But it's pissing me off. I feel like I should be more focused. Like I should be doing something... anything... to get ready for this. There are a million things I need to do. I think. But I can't really figure out what those things are right now.

I just feel really, really out of sorts. And I don't know what to do about it. Hopefully, as the days continue to pass and I move closer to the end of the month, I'll start to relax into the reality that there is a baby for me and she's coming very soon. Instead of feeling like I'm still stuck in the quicksand of this endless wait.

20 comments:

bleu said...

I just wanted to send lots of love. I also wanted to say I totally felt that way towards the end of my first pregnancy. Soooo disconnected even with a kicking baby in me. I have heard it often and have come to look at it as a very usual and very normal reaction when on the brink of your first.

Like a fear/excitement reaction that causes this weird disconnect. As if the overwhelmingness of all of it makes you go the opposite direction and almost ignore it all psychologically. I worried about it too but truly, I believe it passes and is so normal.

Much love.

"M" said...

My friend, our hearts don't work like a light switch. You have spent a lot of time waiting, dreaming and preparing, but it has all been for an abstract fantasy. Anything you would feel towards Mia right now is more about her in theory, than her. Give yourself a break. Also, you can only really picture the life you have, you can't yet see the life you will have (very soon). What you are feeling is really normal. I had moments of excitement for the fantasy life I was picturing, and for all the things I was preparing, but it felt surreal right up until "A" was placed in my arms. Even then, it felt like I was babysitting for several months. Be kind to yourslf. Take one moment at a time, and stop expecting how to feel. You feel the way you feel. There is nothing wrong. xoxoxo

"M" your deeptangents buddy.

Jen said...

I think it is self-preservation. After waiting this long, it can't possibly feel real. But you will get so excited when you see her photos... that's when it will hit you. And then when you head to China - well, there are no words! :)

Special K said...

That's EXACTLY it, Bleu! I'm ignoring it. I don't want to... but I am. And I can't figure out how to make it stop.

I just hope as I get closer it will start to feel "real" and I can re-engage.

Thanks y'all. I'm feeling a little more normal now. :)

a Tonggu Momma said...

It didn't feel real for me until I actually held the Tongginator in my arms. And even then I completely panicked. Give yourself time and patience with yourself. There is no one right way to feel before becoming a mom. Some are panicked, some excited, some numb, some terrified, some gloriously happy. How one feels does not indicate whether or not one will be a good mother - ACTIONS matter, not emotions. Keep reminding yourself of that. (Glad you are feeling more normal now.)

Catherine said...

I remember feeling much of what you've described here. You'll get there and be ready when the time comes.

For myself much of that came preparing for Hannah. It wasn't until the month before I left for China that I finally cleaned out her room and turned it into her nursery. And that was only with many, many friends coming over to help.

For me it also came out in procrastinating about packing for China. I was still packing when my parents arrived to go to the airport.

You'll get there. Your heart is doing just fine and truly you will be ready when you need to be. Soon. Soon!!!

Tracy said...

I totally hear ya! I too felt that same way. There was the wait and then the closeness of thinking I'm next. Once you see her face a connection will start and so much will change. Even then, you may sense a certain distance - at least until you can hold her in your arms.

I went on a silent retreat during the last month of my wait. The time alone with God was so incredibly powerful, it opened me up to what I was about to experience.

Keep your heart soft and open and the love will come rushing in at just the right time.

Wendy said...

I agree with Tonngu Mamma. What you are feeling is completely normal for the experience you have been through. It's a normal reaction for you to be wary. After waiting for soo long, it's hard not to feel that way. And of course, being a police officer, your outlook on situations such as this will be a bit different. How we have been taught to respond to stressful events aka our jobs, sometimes bleed over into our regular lives.

Just take one day at a time. Don't bum out if you didn't get everything done on a particular day. And don't stress yourself out thinking about what you should be or should not be feeling/doing/etc

Lindsay said...

Nobody can maintain a state of excitement; it just isn't normal or natural. I think you're doing exactly what you need to be doing which is getting on with life at the moment. There is no 'right' way to feel and it doesn't mean you are somehow unready or being disloyal to your daughter-to-be. Your just human :)

Donna said...

Give yourself a break! It's normal. This process is surreal and really doesn't seem real even when she is placed in your arms. So get the other things done. Your brain is having you do what you can handle.

Until I got the phone call, nothing helped except Xan*x lol.

Debra said...

This is exactly how I feel, and I totally understand the disconnection and denial you're feeling. Logically, I know these feelings are are all coping mechanisms we've developed to endure this emotional roller coaster. I know these feelings help protect our hearts and our psyche, but they can also stagnate us to prevent momentum and motivation going. Denial is powerful and can take over and stick. Feeling safe to open emotion and let go of denial takes time - you're getting there. Like others, I believe getting your referral and seeing Mia's face will help start the process of relaxing your emotions and motivate you to get ready for this next phase of your life. Just give yourself time and don't beat yourself up if you go into survival mode several more times to help deal with these last steps; it's natural.

"M," thank you for your honesty about feeling like you were babysitting - I worry I'll feel that way too!

3D said...

You are describing EXACTLY what I felt leading up to our referral. My heart was covered in so many protective layers, I was afraid it was too covered up to let in the love. It does. Trust me. It does. But that unknown and fear is real. Like the time it took to build that protective shell, it will take some time for it to thin out and disappear forever. It does. Do not be too hard on yourself.

And like M said, at times it did not feel real and it took me a while to actually feel like a mom. It is a transition and just like our babies need time to bond and attach to us, we need that time as well. To build a love that is deep and strong and forever.

Your heart is good. It will happen. It is scary, exciting and oh so wonderful!

Keep smilin!

Michal said...

This is completely normal. It's normal for an expectant mother of any kind! But let's face it, you have had to keep your life and yourself in this weird sort of suspended animation while waiting for your daughter. Now, you are on the verge of this huge change and your mind is shying away from that.
It's all ok. Anything and everything you feel right now is ok and normal and good. Just indulge yourself. Do what you want, when you want. None of these things speak of how you will be with your daughter, it's just all about you right now. Go with that. Don;t put any expectations on yourself at all. Fell what you are feeling.
I went through this weird bit of mourning before we left to get Liam. No kidding I cried for 2 days about how everything was going to change and that felt like the saddest and worst thing ever.Then I went numb for awhile. Then I found myself in a room, trying to feed this little boy a cracker.
It's a long horrible process and it jacks us up on the inside a bit.
I am very excited for you! You will be a great Mama. You won't feel like it but you will be!

Mer (Lulu's Mommy) said...

No good words of advice for you. But, I went through that, too. I didn't believe it until AFTER the VN government OFFICIALLY adopted her to us!!!!

And my adoption was much faster.

When I get stuck, I focus on others. One day I was very depressed (anniversary of my mothers death) so I bought treats into work. The focus then became treats and happy coworkers.

When my mothers day came around i put ALL my energy on my sister as a new mom, and spoiled her.

On Valentines Day when I was single, I spoiled my nephew(s.) So, I think you get the point on how I do it, I just find something happier, better, and wonderful to put my energy on.

Right now I am collecting jewelry for girls for PROM, DCF kids.

Maybe a project like that or helping one is what you need to get you through to the next step. Maybe not.

myminivanrocks said...

I second what everyone else has said. This is totally normal. When I was pregnant with Noah, I went through a similar sort of denial. Then once we brought him home from the hospital, I thought, "Oh my god! People actually expect me to take care of another human being!" Total freak out, and total denial.

When we adopted Zoe from Vietnam, I wouldn't call her Zoe until I actually held her in my arms. We always planned to name her Zoe, but I just kept calling her "the baby" until she was actually ours. I think I was trying to protect myself in case it really didn't happen.

Everything you are feeling is normal.

Hugs.

wzgirl said...

This may be one of the weirdest times in your life. I get it. Its been so long & to hold the belief that soon, very soon your dreams will become true is a challenge. Anxiety, excitement and disbelief. Shopping for the perfect lamp is just the right thing to do now - because once you see Mia's face - your ability to focus on such things will totally go out the window!

Love. xoxo

Billy said...

I think after five long years of waiting for Mia, 5 years in which your hopes were up and then down, that it is totally understandable that you would shut yourself, protectecting yourself from any possible disappointment.
Be gentle with yourself.
~hugs~

Allison [LID 6/5/06] said...

I understand your feelings oh so well... I was somewhat lucky to have had a ton of schoolwork to focus on, almost right up to the end of getting my referral. I barely had time to begin decompressing and thought I would have two more weeks, then bam! we got our surprise referrals out of the blue. I had previously planned a week long ski trip, leaving that very next day... and I even began feeling guilty that I was still going with so much to do at the last minute! I was able to work through it, still go, and get my paperwork turned around, but it has been a matter of making lists and prioritizing each day for what was most important.

Believe me once you see her sweet face, it will finally become more real. I sat and bawled for at least 10 minutes before I could even make another phone call to call my mom and tell her the wonderful news.

I know I have still felt a little scared that I am doing this alone, and that may be contributing to your feelings. I know it has for me, but with so many friends, family and support around... you will get through it and be a fantastic mom!!

Beth said...

Totally normal. Home 7 months now but remember that feeling very well.

It will pass at some point.

~Kristen said...

I have no BTDT advice... so just (((hugs))) to offer.

I can say that at this point in the wait I too find myself starting to completely disconnect from it all. Like I don't even believe it's going to happen anymore. But then again, I'm still so far off and that has a lot to do with it.

But I agree with what everyone else has to say... once you get that referral and see her face, it will become more real and the reconnect will come.

But (((hugs))) nonetheless!