I feel like something is wrong with me.
There are moments when I think of what is about to happen and my insides literally quiver with excitement. Moments when I feel like my heart will burst open with the love I already feel for this unknown little girl waiting somewhere in the world for me. Moments when I know without a doubt I'm ready to dive head first into motherhood.
But those moments are few and fleeting. There are a lot more moments when I still feel completely disconnected. Like I'm in a state of denial. I can't fully engage with this process. Lately, I've been more worried about getting the new curtains hung in my master bedroom or picking the perfect lamp ....instead of what I feel like I should be doing. Which is preparing to see my daughter's face in just a few short weeks.
Maybe it's just another way to try to protect my heart. After 5 long years of disappointment, you get used to expecting the worst, used to being let down, used to lowering your expectations again and again. So maybe.... subconsciously.... that's what my brain is doing.
But it's pissing me off. I feel like I should be more focused. Like I should be doing something... anything... to get ready for this. There are a million things I need to do. I think. But I can't really figure out what those things are right now.
I just feel really, really out of sorts. And I don't know what to do about it. Hopefully, as the days continue to pass and I move closer to the end of the month, I'll start to relax into the reality that there is a baby for me and she's coming very soon. Instead of feeling like I'm still stuck in the quicksand of this endless wait.