Thursday, March 10, 2011

So I'm Not Completely Nuts....

Thanks for all the comments on my last post. At least I feel a little more normal now.

I'm not worried that I won't feel love for her. Immediately. I already do. Love for the idea of her anyway. I think that will only grow when she is real, when I see her and hold her.

I'm not afraid. Although I'm sure the fear will settle in at some point in the next few weeks. But right now I'm ready. Not ready for the packing, the plane ride, the jet lag, the craziness of the trip. But I'm so ready to just be Mia's mom.

A little freaked out by what that really means...yes. Knowing full well my life is about to change dramatically. Forever. I know so many things I take for granted will vanish. At least for awhile. But it's okay. I'm ready to let those things go ...for all the great and wonderful new things that are waiting.

I'm just numb. I think I should be feeling excitement right now. But I'm not really. I'm completely closed off from the emotion of it all. Indifferent. Ignoring it probably. Not purposely...but as a coping mechanism, I'd imagine. Maybe I'm just too afraid to believe it yet.

Tracy mentioned how she couldn't say her daughter's name until she finally held her in her arms. It's funny because I realized I do the same thing. I even had a conversation about it with my brother last weekend. I very rarely call her Mia. Usually when I speak of her I say "the baby". Just another layer of protection. I know that's all it is.

So for now I'll finish redecorating the master bedroom. Then move onto finishing the halfway done spare bedroom. I'm sure I'll have another project lined up after that to help me stay disconnected from my impending referral.

And when my head is ready...and my heart agrees.... the emotions will come. My guess is they will start to rise to the surface as soon as we start hearing some rumors about matching.

So thanks again for the reassurance. I may need y'all to talk me off the ledge again soon. We'll see. LOL!

8 comments:

Mer (Lulu's Mommy) said...

:) We IRL called Lulu by her Vietnamese name until she was in our arms.

Twin Mommy said...

I think your emotions are completely normal!! And FWIW...I often felt the same way during my pregnancies. It never really felt 'real' until there were here.

Jen said...

So glad you're feeling better! :)

aust2china said...

:) I hear ya! I had a meltdown the week before we got our referral, (because I was so angry at our agency for keeping us in the dark), I was worried, I'd tell em to stick their referral when it final came... of course, that didn't happen! The moment they called, the biggest emotion was RELIEF! I can't to see your sweet Mia!

a Tonggu Momma said...

If not for the Tongginator constantly saying her name, we also call her "the baby" or sometimes "mei mei." I've had people even ask me - people close to us - "have you picked out a name yet?" Heh. We picked out the name over three years ago - we just don't say it all that often.

Some days I'm completely excited and bouncing off the walls. Other days I'm kinda detached from it all. I've been taking care of a 6 month old this week and watching her, holding her, I couldn't help but think of the adoption. But I also couldn't help but feel that it's still far away.

Beth said...

Nope not nuts. At least not nuts about this. You may be nuts about other things, I don't know.......

Shannon said...

LOL! Beth (above) said it best! =)

kitchu said...

this is so totally normal, what you are feeling. i had the same numbness. and it continued after referral. i was in total denial about becoming a mom and had that added layer of fear about parenting a disabled 4 year old :) but, you find your groove so much faster than you imagine and 18 months later you look back and you think... WOW, life is SO good.

the trip will be a blur. a weird surreal blur or at least it was for me it may be better for you (Catherine had a great experience). JOURNAL. no matter how you feel. my BIGGEST regret is that i didn't write anything down in any book. nada. not a thing. so i don't remember the day to day "stuff" and what i wrote on the blog was for the blog, you know? keep a pen in hand.

and i wish i'd put a handful of china soil in baggy to bring home. we were the only ones that got to stop in front of her orphanage, and i just didn't think of it... i didn't even get out of the van. too sick/tired/scared.