Monday, June 22, 2009

Stupid Names

We'll all heard some of the dumb ass names that celebrities pick for their children, right? I'm not even gonna run down the list cuz we all know them. But it might surprise some of you to know just how many stupid names I've heard in my line of work. No .... I mean every day people with really stupid, like was your mother high, what the hell were your parents thinking kind of names. So I've decided I need to share some. Go ahead school teachers, nurses and midwives and throw yours out there, too. Cuz I know you've also heard some doozies.

A recent suspect in a crime was D'alcap0ne Alpaccin0. First and middle name. Were his parents watching "Scar-face" when he was conceived? How could he possibly become a productive member of society with that name? He was doomed from the start.

How about the siblings named Pizza, Apple and Frenchfrie? No... I'm not kidding. But wait... it gets better. They're pronounced more French sounding their mother says. So let me try to explain it phonetically. Pizza is not pronounced peet-zah. Try it as Pi-zay. Apple is actually Ah-pell. And Frenchfrie is Fraun-say-free-ay. Totally true story.

These are actually nicknames but just as funny. Two of my suspects in a case once were brothers Tylen0l and Baked Bean. When I went to BB's house to pick him up, he'd just left. I'd asked for him by his nickname when I'd knocked on the door. His auntie said I should be able to catch him cuz he couldn't of gotten far. I asked her what he looked like and I swear on everything sacred in my life she said "Well, he looks like .... uhhh... welllll... like a baked bean." It took everything I had not to pee my pants right then and there. When I finally got a hold of him and questioned him, I asked how his brother got to be known as Tylen0l. He said cuz the teachers in school always said he was a "headache". I couldn't make this kind of stuff up even if I tried. And yeah... the kid really did look like a baked bean. LOL!

You've all heard the urban legend about a mom who named her twins Lemonjello and Orangejello, I'm sure. Pronounced Leh-mawn-je-lo and Or-awn-je-lo. But I'm here to testify to the fact that they really do exist and live in our city's 5th district.

There's a local thief named Jesus-Christ-Superstar. Ironic, huh? But in all fairness to his mother, I believe he legally changed his name to that one.

Another set of brothers named Da'Baddest and Da'Meanest. I may be spelling those wrong. Can't remember. But that's how they're pronounced. A school teacher friend of mine gave me that one. It should be quite obvious that she said they were little assholes in the classroom. How could they not be? They had to live up to their name. LOL!

All of the above is totally and completely true. Real people and their real names. I might make this a series of posts cuz there are a TON more and they're hysterical. Who are some of the crazy named people you know? But don't give me urban legends. We've all heard those. I'm talking real live (or dead) people that you know or someone credible actually knows of. Those are the ones I want to hear.


Mom aka Grandma said...

I remember one from when you girls were little. Our next door neighbor babysat for a little girl named JaQuese and they called her "Queasy" as in nausea.

~K said...

Right off the top of my head.. We have a Jack Frost and a Hans Christian...


I'll think of more when I have the chance... those are the two ever present in school right now!!!

Funny Stuff I'll tell ya!!!... good topic K!

Half Gaelic, Half Garlic! said...

LOL....I cannot stop cracking up at some of these names.....Oh my word.....what were the parents thinking??

I can't think of anything off the wall strange, but here is one I have recently come across....

If you had the last name WEINER, wouldn't you think twice before naming your child Richard??? The poor kid will be scarred for life...right now he is only 2yrs old, but something tells me by the time he hits grade school they will have some nicknames for him!!

Loved this post.....I can always count on you for a good laugh!!


a Tonggu Momma said...

Loved this post! Police officers always win this one, hands down, with teachers and nurses tied for second.

Growing up, I knew triplets from Pakistan. No one could pronounce their names correctly, so they went by the nicknames Apple, Peach and Pear. Poor Pear never did look very good in a swimsuit. Plus, other kids used to torment them by chanting, "do you have a brother named banana?"

Then there was my close friend from India in junior high (I've actually posted her pic on my blog before). No one could pronounce her name correctly either, so she became Happy. Her older, teen sister wasn't so... er... well, they gave her the nickname Lucky. Teen dating was interesting.

Other names I've come across, mostly in my teaching career:

Chris Cross
Hunter Fisher
Amore Love
January White
Presche (pronounced presh-y) because he was so precious

Gail said...

I have a few for you.
and of course the most famous of all.. Nevaeh (Ne Vay A)... Heaven spelled backwards.

Elaine said...

Ohh! Have I got a website/forum for you. Check out They would love to hear your tales. And the names there are hysterical.

Isabella's Mommy and Daddy said...

Ok.. you have the best job ...
I would be cracking up ....
These are toooo funny..
Can't wait to hear more..
have a great evening..

Diana said...

That is FUNNY!!!

Susie said...

Too funny Krista. I have come across a lot of funny names in the Health Field but I think this poor kids mom was just high when she named her son. Baltazar Morfin.

clementine said...

I had a student named Tajmahal, and his sisters were named semaJ (that's right, the capital comes at the END, and it is James backwards), and Myronnie (because her Daddy's name was Ronnie!)

Carla said...

Da'Real Ja'Coldest

I felt bad for rushing her for her birth certificate papers when I read what she picked. Also had a baby boy named Amazing, with a big sister named Awesome. Kid you not. We figured the next one would be Adorable, or maybe Atrocious.

~ Alison n' Mali~ said...

Ohh funny. I've had a few over the past 14 years of child exposure.

Two that stand out are "Gaylove" (<~~ I felt SO bad for her, she went by 'Gina'), and "Clack" (very sweet girl. I also had an "Elvis" last year, but I *loved* that =)

chris said...

i had a patient who named her baby boy
CA$H and her husband wanted to make sure we knew it was a dollar sign and not an "s" in the name. nice.

Wendy said...

LA - A
pronounced la dash a

Umagesty pronounced You magesty

those are a couple of names that stick in my head!

Betsey said...

I had a guy come in my office to get his records changed because he had legally changed his and his son's last name. He said he didn't want his kid to get bullied like he did. He said "You'll understand when you look up the account". His last name was "Fag". I couldn't blame him for changing that.

Special K said...

Wendy... I couldn't believe there might be another mother so stupid in the world with that whole dash name. But you work with my sister, right? So that explains it! It's gotta be the same stupid mother! LOL!

La-a (Ladasha) is local and I think she has a sister named Sha-a (Shadasha). I remember one of our officers had to contact her after seeing her name written in a report or something and pronounced it Sha-ah.

Well, girlfriend got all kinds of attitude and explained that you actually speak the "dash" in her name. Oh man.. that story had us cracking up for days.

Polar Bear said...

These are so funny! I have had a couple mentioned in your comments. Nevaeh was one I have also had Precious and her sister Destiny. There was also a DeEricka. She was named after her dad, Dennis and her mom, Ericka. (Poor girl is presently in jail for stabbing another girl.)

This is a good post! Thanks for the laugh!

k1 said...

Oh, where is Amy Christopher at "When Love Takes You In"? She's a nurse in a birthing hospital and has lots of funny names.

Where I grew up there was a family last name of Lear. They named their daughter Crystal Shanda.

When I was younger, I had friends with the last name Gilbert. The son's first name was Gilbert too.

I arrested a man one day whose name was Shannon Tiffany. If you have a very feminine last name, why in God's name, give your son a very feminine first name???? Kid was bullied all the time. Turned him bad.

I have a case right now with a woman whose name is Bich Ho.

Had neighbors with kids called Peaches and JuneBug.

And of course, there is always Female, pronounced Fem Ali.

k1 said...

Oh, and my nephew's best frind is named Mowgli, from The Jungle Book.

Debz said...

Ok I thought Jaclyn's grade 11 teacher (Forest Lily) had a strange name but this is crazy!
She went to school with a young man named "Brock Lee Green" too. Poor kid. He was a brilliant kid...with a name like that I think I'd rather stay inside and bury my head in a book at recess and lunch hour :o)

Janet said...

Are. you. kidding. me. Those are ridiculous!

Lorie said...

Long time lurker but couldn't resist commenting on this one. I work at a walk-in clinic so I see tons of weird names. One I saw recently was a little girl with the name ABCDE. Pronounced ab-sa-dee. Another one was a two year old boy named Wiley Monster. Wiley Monster? What are people thinking?!!!

Teri said...

Hubby arrested Rip Van Winkle several years ago.

Christina said...

When I was teaching, I had a 1st grade boy named Messiah. When they were asked to draw self portraits, he drew Jesus on the cross. Ironically (or not so), he was one of the worst kids in the class!
Classy, I tell ya.

A Beautiful Mess said...

I used to swim with a girl
Kris Smus. Poor thing. At least she could eventually take her husbands name...

I also knew a family who named their son Dandy Lions.

The lady who runs our pool is named "happy"....and she really isn't all that happy.

I had a male student ....big boy named Lacey. Poor kid, good thing he is big with a behavior disorder:)

Buckeyes & Eggrolls said...

great post.!! I hate to admit that my brother named his little boy Bo Hunter . and yes, my brother is into bow hunting deer. CRAZY I tell you!!!

Julie said...

OMG Those are hilarious. Ok, here's mine. It's the pharmacist at the children's clinic: Seymour Weiner. I kid you not.

Here in Montreal people have French names that are funny. One common men's name is Yvon which means "they will" so you get common last names like Lagasse or Lavalee which directly translates to "they will swallow him" and "they will bug him".

A few more I am remembering:
Oliver Love
Flora Flower Bloom
Candice (Candy) Sugars - she's married to Richard Dick

Oh, one more. My hubby has a client names Waggy Wabbit. Really. He hates calling him because he can barely get by the "..hello, may I speak with Waggy Wabbit .." bit.

Special K said...

Waggy Wabbit... now that's a good one. What was that guy's mom smoking? LOL!

Headmeister said...

I have two you'll never believe:

1. My coworker's sister is the Asst principle of a middle school. They have a student named Vagina. Yes, and it's pronounced exactly the same (I wonder if her nickname is Va Jay Jay??? lol)

2. My mother runs the social work dept of a hospital. The daughter of one of the women she was assisting was named... are you ready?


I couldn't make this shit up if I tried...

Chani's Mama said...

I went out with a guy one time and his daughter's name was Diamond.

Care said...

These are hilarious! What in the world were those parents thinking?! I went to school with a Holly Woods. And when I was in nursing school, on my OB rotation, one of my patients was a 17 year old 2nd or 3rd time Mom, getting ready for discharge...but they wouldn't let her leave until she filled out the paperwork for the birth certificate and gave the baby a name. So she stood up, stuck her finger out, covered her eyes with her other hand, and spun around. When she stopped, she was pointing at a can of hairspray, and thus named her daugher Aquanet.

Michal said...

Well, what can one add after Vagina, Placenta and Aquanet?!?!?!

In high school there was a family with the last name "Sweet", they had a gaggle of girls so they named them
Truly Sweet
Always Sweet
Forever Sweet
gag cough spit...they were NOT nice girls either, very full of themselves.

My kicker though.....
I was working in a L&D in Alaska. A young married couple came in and had a son. Then they named the cutest little boy that I have ever seen---- Blue Tractor.
Yes. Blue Tractor. I guess the Dad had great memories driving aong on his Grand-dad's blue tractor. You could not even call hi Blue- they corrected you to BLUE TRACTOR.

Tawni said...

I have to add one - my best friend's first crush was Rail Sidebottom. Not hilarious - but, funny still. I love saying it.

And, a cousin of mine was in a class with a boy named Onajon (say it fast and you'll see.)

Fan.Tas.Tic Post!

Debra Sue said...

I went to school with Crystal Ball. I also knew a kid named Lacy Sheets.

One of B's hippie friends named his son Geronimo, and after I laughed about it to my mom, she told me that that was on my dad's top five names for my brother!

I think my favorite so far is La-a!

Debbie said...

I knew of a child named shithead pronounced Shy thead. What a name!!!

Abby said...

My neighbor named her kid Summer Rain [lastname]! I also have a friend named Blue Swan [lastname], but she absolutely adores it and has the attitude to back it up if anybody dares make fun of her. =)

Check out and read that lady's commentary on bad names she's found on message boards. Everytime I read it, I laugh until I can't breathe and tears run down my face. Enjoy!

Shannon said...

Twins HisMagesti and HerMagesti (spelling not mine!) are now in special ed preschool. I see some of my former students are listed above! Also had Praise God and Kittychaira (kee-share-uh). Yikes- these are not isolated incidents!!!