Tuesday, May 05, 2009

My Bad Dream

I didn't sleep well last night. I had The Dream again. I've had it off and on for my entire police career. Which is now in it's 14th year...... so that's a lot of Dreams. I've never kept track of how often it comes. Maybe I should. Maybe it means something. Maybe it has something to do with other things going on in my life at that moment.

The Dream is always the same at it's core. But the scenario is usually different every time. It starts with me at work. I'm in my uniform confronting a bad guy for whatever reason. I'm always by myself without a partner or back up. The situation turns ugly. The bad guy produces a gun. He fires at me. Sometimes I get hit. Sometimes not. What is consistently the same in every Dream is that when I pull my weapon to return fire.... it doesn't work. Either I pull the trigger and I just hear a click. Or the trigger is too hard and I don't have the strength to pull it. Or sometimes the gun just breaks in my hand and won't fire.

Sometimes it seems like this struggle goes on for a long time before I finally wake up. The good thing is that I have yet to actually die in The Dream. Maybe I wake up before that happens. I don't know. But what I always remember and feel so vividly is that struggle with my gun. The disbelief that it won't work. The confusion in not knowing what to do to make it work. The fear that I can't protect myself.

Anyone care to analyze this? I can already interpret this so many ways. My subconscious fear of failure? Mistrust in relationships? Too much stress? The natural fear that anyone in law enforcement feels but has to stuff down in order to do our jobs effectively? I guess it has to come out somewhere, right? Hmmm...... interesting stuff.

I bet if I were to take a poll of police officers this is probably a pretty common Dream amongst us. Maybe I should Goo-gle it and find out. LOL! I do hate The Dream though. I hate that it upsets me and interrupts my sleep. And I hate that every time I have it I'm left wondering if it's meant to be a sign. Is it a premonition? Is today The Day? I'm almost ashamed to admit that for a few days following The Dream I'm always a little more cautious at work. Today turned out okay. I didn't get shot. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Okay... relax people. That was a joke. Oooo... I guess it won't be funny anymore if tomorrow really is The Day. The Grim Reaper will be the only one laughing then, eh? Sorry GM... just kidding. You can take a joke, right? Have I ever told you how great you look in that hooded cloak? It's very slimming. Heh heh... :P

14 comments:

3D said...

We are on the this journey to make our dreams of being moms come true. Your dream is one I hope and am pretty sure will never come true.

Sleep well and keep smilin!

Angela said...

WEll, although I'm not in your line of work, I do have a reacurring dream, in a way I guess it's similar to your, just without the gun. In mine, I'm either being assaulted by someone, or I'm running from somebody, and when I try to scream, nothing comes out, and I can't figure out why my voice won't work.

"M" said...

I used to have a dream wher I would be seeing a plane crash and every time I tried to call 911 the phone wouldn't work, the call wouldn't go through or the phone would melt. For me, it was about feeling really powerless in a job where the admin. wasn't listening and things felt like they were falling apart. I finally quit the job and never had the dream again.

I am not suggesting you should quit your job. More wondering if it is a symbolic dream about not feeling safe somewhere, or feeling powerless. Just because it looks like your job, doesn't mean it is that.

Hope you get some sleep.

Susie said...

Well I for one hope that dream never comes to true. I think about you and your job a lot. I am so thankful for you and your colleges that put your lives on the line everyday to protect me.

Thanks for everything. Oh and I always have a dream that my teeth are crumbling and falling out. Weird I know.

Kayce said...

Recurring dreams are so bizarre! I've had one since I was little..I'm always sitting in the middle of a blank room when the room suddenly comes alive and swallows me up. It used to scare the crap out of me, now I just wake up laughing. I can't imagine being in your line of work and having a dream like yours for years on end..but I'm sure you're right other officers must have similar ones. You're always in my prayers...stay safe.

Wendy said...

You don't have PTSD do you?

~ Alison n' Mali~ said...

"Gun"

To see a gun in your dream, symbolizes aggression, anger, and potential danger. You may be dealing with issues of passiveness/aggressiveness and authority/dependence. Alternatively, a gun represents the pen1s and male sexu@l drive. Thus, the gun may mean power or impotence, depending on whether the gun went off or misfired.

To dream that a gun fails to fire, indicates that you are feeling powerless in some waking situation. Perhaps you need to attack your problems from a different approach. Alternatively, a malfunctioning gun represents sexu@l imp0tence or fear of imp0tence.

That's from my FAV dream interp site (dreammoods.com). I love the interpretations there . . . sometimes the sexual meanings give me a good laugh. Did u even know that the gun represents the pen1s?! I sure didn't ;-) Misfire? (LoL). Ok, I'll stop.

Honestly, though - I think the overall theme of your dream reoccurring is the whole 'powerless' thing - could be applied to any area of your life.

Special K said...

Good stuff Alison...

powerless = China adoption!!!
penis issues.. not so much. LOL!

Although that doesn't explain why I've had the dream for 14 years... ever since becoming a police officer. I think it's mostly job related. Just a way to express that fear of dying in the line of duty that I have to ignore in conscious moments or I wouldn't be able to do the job, ya know.

Or maybe because 90% of my life is spent working it's so deeply etched into my subconscious that those powerless feelings just manifest in an image I can relate to.

Or maybe I just need a shrink. LOL!

cmay said...

Sounds like a "lack of control" type of dream. I connect it with a lack of control over stuff that happens with steps in adopting your daughter. Also just about anything we don't feel we can control in our lives--you have lots of that when taking down the bad guys, I bet. That's whay I think the dream means. Nothing about death (although we can't control that very well either) or a sign you might die soon. Rest assured you are normal. Still very funny and a GREAT writer. Hmmm. Maybe upper-end normal. :)
I really enjoy reading your blog!

kris said...

As I was reading I was thinking, "Hope Al has already interpreted this for her"... :O) and if not, I was going to tell you to email her!!! She's our dream girl :O)

I'd like to add that I in no way think this is a premonition and I'm betting it shows up in times of stress. I have a recurring dream too- since I was around 13. Tornado dreams. Same theme, over in over, in different places. VERY powerful stuff. And always leaves me with amazing, powerful feelings for a few days after.

Anonymous said...

You aren't possessing enough confidence in your weapon. It's always there for you, wether dreaming or awake. For some reason, you're subconsiously secondguessing yourself, and as a result, your gun faulters. I'm no expert, but I believe if you expect it to work, it will.

Michal said...

Yep. I am thinking that your Dream is job related for sure. Recurring dreams realy bite. I am just saying that because I had a steamy dream once with me and Jackie Chan in it and THAT dream has yet to "reoccur". However, I have a scary one that does- go figure.
I have alot of Nursing dreams even when I haven't taken Report in 5 years- it is usually that I loose a patient a physical loss or I forget that I am assigned a particular patient. Oh! I also have the "blood transfusion gone wrong" dream- that's a doozy.
Just saying all this so you know that you are not the only one out there. Not trying to compete 'cause you would totally win the "Suckiest Recurring Dream Award"
Also? Don't diss the GR- that shit is serious. :P
Stay careful- never a bad idea for a Hottie Policewoman!
Susie, I also have that tooth drem, that's a classic stress dream.

Jenny V said...

K, I am no dream expert but thought I would toss out an idea. Perhaps the idea of your gun not working is playing on an area of insecurity or over-dependence. As a cop you depend on your gun, for sure. But is there a back up plan? The fear of counting on something and having it fall through on you or disappoint you is pretty universal. So I would explore the realistic, real world answers of what would you do in that situation, how could you protect yourself if it did happen- Just because having a back up plan would make me feel better-
Then I would ask myself what fears I had that were related to counting on something with my whole life-or at least your whole heart and having it fail to come through- ( examples, men, adoption, job security etc) That is my best guess. Oh and I have had a dream where I did get shot, and in the dream everything went black and only my heartbeat could be heard and then I woke up. Freaky stuff!

Anonymous said...

I have had this dream before and I'm also a police officer. I actually spoke to one of my co-workers about it and come to find out, he was having the same dream.

I heard this dream was related to doubting your training and it would be a good idea to go out to the range and do some target practice.

I took advantage of a day off and started going to the range about once a month now, since then neither my co-worker nor myself have had that dream.

I hope this was able to help. Stay safe out there brother.