I didn't sleep well last night. I had The Dream again. I've had it off and on for my entire police career. Which is now in it's 14th year...... so that's a lot of Dreams. I've never kept track of how often it comes. Maybe I should. Maybe it means something. Maybe it has something to do with other things going on in my life at that moment.
The Dream is always the same at it's core. But the scenario is usually different every time. It starts with me at work. I'm in my uniform confronting a bad guy for whatever reason. I'm always by myself without a partner or back up. The situation turns ugly. The bad guy produces a gun. He fires at me. Sometimes I get hit. Sometimes not. What is consistently the same in every Dream is that when I pull my weapon to return fire.... it doesn't work. Either I pull the trigger and I just hear a click. Or the trigger is too hard and I don't have the strength to pull it. Or sometimes the gun just breaks in my hand and won't fire.
Sometimes it seems like this struggle goes on for a long time before I finally wake up. The good thing is that I have yet to actually die in The Dream. Maybe I wake up before that happens. I don't know. But what I always remember and feel so vividly is that struggle with my gun. The disbelief that it won't work. The confusion in not knowing what to do to make it work. The fear that I can't protect myself.
Anyone care to analyze this? I can already interpret this so many ways. My subconscious fear of failure? Mistrust in relationships? Too much stress? The natural fear that anyone in law enforcement feels but has to stuff down in order to do our jobs effectively? I guess it has to come out somewhere, right? Hmmm...... interesting stuff.
I bet if I were to take a poll of police officers this is probably a pretty common Dream amongst us. Maybe I should Goo-gle it and find out. LOL! I do hate The Dream though. I hate that it upsets me and interrupts my sleep. And I hate that every time I have it I'm left wondering if it's meant to be a sign. Is it a premonition? Is today The Day? I'm almost ashamed to admit that for a few days following The Dream I'm always a little more cautious at work. Today turned out okay. I didn't get shot. We'll see how tomorrow goes.
Okay... relax people. That was a joke. Oooo... I guess it won't be funny anymore if tomorrow really is The Day. The Grim Reaper will be the only one laughing then, eh? Sorry GM... just kidding. You can take a joke, right? Have I ever told you how great you look in that hooded cloak? It's very slimming. Heh heh... :P