Thursday, December 06, 2007

TMI Thursday

What I'm about to tell you is way more information than any person will ever want to know about my bodily functions. But the comedic value of the situation is way too valuable and so the story must be repeated. But just warning you...if poop talk makes you squeamish...leave now.

So a little back story before I get down to it. Because of having that little incident that almost killed me when my gallbladder was yanked out and the resulting bile leakage and sepsis crap (no pun intended), I have some (hmmm... how shall I say?) "problematic bowel issues". Basically, it boils down to this. When I start to get The Feeling, I have a very limited window of opportunity to locate a restroom because my body has decided that it's time to "GO". And there's generally no stopping it. This fact is already causing me distress about the China trip with those damn squattie potties and the group tours which are not exactly gonna be on MY poop schedule, YKWIM? But that's a whole other post. The issue is made worse by stress or when I'm nervous. Yeah... imagine how fun China is gonna be. I'll be registering for Immodium at my baby shower. But like I said... whole other post.

This morning I get into the office and don't even get to sit down before my sergeant tells me my number is up. Random drug test. Go pee in a cup. Not what I wanted to hear first thing in the morning. So I report to the doctor's office chugging water the whole way over. Which immediately starts to upset my empty stomach. I get there, check in and get in line behind two other guys also randomly selected. As I sit there drinking water, I start to feel the tell tale signs that I have come to know entirely too well. OMG... not now!


So then it's my turn and they call me back. Now let me set this up for you so you understand the stress that I'm starting to feel. (Remember how stress is not good for "the issue"?) I have to go in the restroom with a cup and fill it to the marked line. After I'm finished, I'm not allowed to flush cuz the lab guy comes in and checks the toilet. I guess those are the rules at a drug testing place. They don't trust us cops, ya know. Plus if I don't get the cup filled at least to the line, they scrap the sample and I have to START OVER! I'm not allowed to leave until I get to the line. Seriously. This happened once before and I sat in that friggin office for 3 hours chugging water with the Internal Affairs Sergeant breathing down my neck. (It's his job to accompany us during our random testing...hence his nickname "The Pee Sgt"). That day really sucked and I didn't want a repeat.

I go in the little private restroom and stare ominously at the toilet and the sample cup. What the hell am I gonna do? I really need to go #2. Like ... really. But I can't have the lab guy check that out in the potty. How humiliating! Cuz it's not pretty. And it absolutely doesn't smell pretty. (Hey I warned you in the first paragraph this was way too much info but you kept reading. So you have no one to blame but yourself!) That's all I need is the rest of the guys coming in there after me knowing "the girl" is the one who stunk up the john. Oh geez... what do I do? I feel like the walls are closing in on me. There's no way out.

I decide to try to squeeze out enough for a sample without letting anything else out. Yeah... try it sometime when you've got "the feeling". To let one go but not the other. Nearly impossible to do. I manage to get just under the line. WTF?! You've got to be kidding me! Please just a little more...just a little more. You can do it. You don't want to be stuck here for hours. You have someone waiting at the office you need to interview. Just a little more. Concentrate! If you leave this room with it below the line, game over. Start again. Can't do that. Just a little more. Plus how will you be able to ask them for a different bathroom so you can go #2 while you're waiting to build the #1 reserves back up?

So I'm stressing. Which equals stomach churning. But no.... I can't. Not here. Not now. So I try to get just a few more drops of that priceless yellow liquid out. Not gonna happen. Physically impossible to relax enough when I'm basically trying to reverse suction on my colon. I've been in there for about 10 minutes at this point. So while I'm still in the assumed position with my pants down around my ankles, I yell out to the lab guy who has to stand right outside the door, as if this whole process wasn't dreadful enough. "If I can't get all the way to the line, do I have to start over?" He says to let him see how much I've got. He may be able to stretch it out. I zip up and come out. Now I really need to go #2. But can't ...think ...about ...that ...now. Mind over matter. He checks my specimen and thinks he can get enough.

Flashback to the beginning of my exchange with lab guy before I went into the potty.... conversation comes up that I'm divorced because my married name and maiden name are both on my lab form. He throws out that he's divorced, too. So as I'm standing there starting to feel some pain and in dire need to release my bowels, completely humiliated and wanting at that point to just run screaming from the building

...... wait for it

...... wait for it

...... here it is.....


He Asks Me Out!!!

I don't know whether to be flattered or thoroughly disgusted seeing as how when he says the words he's Actually Pouring My Urine into a sample tube. OMG! I'm horrified. I can't go out with this guy even if I wanted to. Which I don't. But what if I did.
THIS would be our story. How could I tell my children about when daddy asked mommy out as he was pouring her pee into a tube while she stood there trying to keep a poker face so he couldn't see how hard she was trying to prevent a major bout of explosive diarrhea!? This story could never have a happy ending with a beginning like that.

So I lie and tell him that I'm flattered but I have a boyfriend. Well, it was easier than hurting the poor guy's feelings. I mean seriously.... who asks a girl out as he's holding her pee?

He gets enough of it into the sample tube and I high tail it out of there as fast as I could in search of the closest bathroom .... that is NOT in this building! Luckily I made it. Those high speed maneuvers I learned in street patrol really come in handy sometimes.

And how was your Thursday?
* You guys crack me up! The comments here are almost funnier than the story itself.

38 comments:

Diana said...

OK..that made me LAUGH:)
I wonder if you had "went" if he would have still ask you out?
LOL

Isabella's Mommy & Daddy said...

Okay.. that is the funniest SHIT...No pun intended...LOL...
I was laughing so hard...
But then when you got to the "He asked me out" that was it...
I lost it..
Have a Great Evening...
Kim

JoAnn in NJ said...

Krista!
I think you have it wrong! That would have made the best story of how Daddy met Mommy!

Think of the wedding theme! C'Mom....you wanna ;)

and for your honeymoon, I have the perfect location...in Hawaii on Ouahu, there is a bay called Hanama Bay and part of that is a section called "the toilet bowl" because of the configuration and its a popular diving/snorkling spot.

Thanks for the laughs Girl!

Gail said...

What a hysterical story!
If you could hold "IT" while peeing and then able to hold "IT" again while having a conversation with "Lover Boy" you will do just fine in China!!
OMG! Too friggin funny!

Anonymous said...

that was an excellent story!

I think at your next pee test you oughta tell him you're single again and see what happens.

Maybe you'll live hapPEEly after all...

~Annie

Angela said...

OMG, too funny! My life seems so boring now! Lol!
You know you could always take some depends along to China!

OziMum said...

Oooh - THANK GOD! I thought you were going to tell us - you didn't make it, and what a sticky situation that would've been!!!

I have no doubt, you will cop a thousand shitty puns in your comments on this one!!! (OMG - I'm terrible, hey?!!)

Lisa, Doug & Briana said...

OMG that was so freakin' funny!

I have the pee issue. I pee like 400 times a day and I was terrified to go to China knowing that I would have to use like 400 squatty potties. Uh gross! I really limited my liquids and survived the trip. Thank goodness!

sea star said...

So do I get a reward for reading the whole story?

That was freaking hilarious! I especially loved the title of the post & might have to clone that.

I'm thinking if the guy can ask you out while holding your pee, he can handle just about anything... my kind of guy!

Debra Sue said...

You're killing me! Those are some serious rectal muscles you have; you're going to be fine in China.

So, despite the scatalogical way of meeting him, was the lab guy cute? Give him a chance! Remember, he's the guy that will change all of Mia's dirty diapers without any qualms. To me, that's a keeper.

Lisa B. said...

OMG!! That story is so funny!! I'm laughing out loud at my desk at work while reading it. I have the same problem (but not from having my gall bladder removed!). I know the feeling that when it hits, you gotta go NOW, so I'm very impressed with the way you held it...even while peeing!!! That takes talent!! Remind me to tell you my 2 stories tonight about my "accidents". All I can say now is: There is a pair of my panties somewhere on the PA Turnpike!
P.S. I had the same worries when I went to France with Missy's class but I went 10 days without incident. Whew!!

Stephe said...

Holy Crap! (no pun intended) That was a funny story. Sucks for you...but funny for us. I have a feeling that when in China and you get "the feeling"...squat potties WON'T BE THE ISSUE!!! Plus, I would just tell your travel group your issue, no one is going to look at you different, it's not like they are a bunch of 20 year olds. We ALL have issues of some sort, so, we'd feel for you!!! No worries...but do stock up on that Immodium! : )

"M" said...

You sure know how to tell a good story girl! Thanks for giving me a good laugh. I can only imagine how horrified you were. OMG!

Dawn and Dale said...

That sure was a 'spit your coffee' all over the keyboard kind of post first thing this morning!! Tooo funny!!!

I agree with Tracy! If he can hold your pee and ask you out all at the same time.....he's gotta be great!! lol

Glad you made it in time!! Could you imagine how the story COULD of ended if you didn't???!!! lol ;)

Doris & Dan said...

I am coughing now from laughing so hard. Good thing I hit the can before reading this!

You are the funniest!!! Coffee does it for me. And watch out! I have been known to yell at coworkers to get out of my way or even to get out of the (single female)washroom and now!

I have alread decide to ban coffee from our China trip...no chances for any explosive poo on the Great Wall. Imagine calling your consulate to explain why you are being detained by the chinese authorities!

Keep smilin!

~ Alison & Mali ~ said...

How romantic! Can't believe u said no =)

Thanks for the laugh. I read to the end, in spite of the fact that I'm eating my lunch right now. It was SO worth it.

P.S. - I never used a squat pot in China.

Wendy @ adoptionandfire.typepad.com said...

Your post and the ensuing comments have made my day! How freakin' funny!!

kris said...

Invite me to the wedding... I have a toast in mind (wink).

Seriously. I haven't laughed this hard in a looooong time. You need to go back and say yes to Pee Man. The best beginnings are the ones that started with laughter! Hell, he sounds better than my Mister High Waters, double PhD, no peronality!

redmaryjanes said...

Yeah, I agree with Kris. What was wrong with Pee Man? I am busting up here. I can't believe you all clenched up and he asked you out. You must be very beautiful to attract a guy with that going on in your pants!!

Beverly said...

Well, maybe your pee smelled of wine and roses and he just had to you know get to know you better.

Beverly

Debbie said...

I am about to wet my pants just reading your story!!! Good thing I am the only one here today!! I have the same issues as you and yes when you have to go you have to go!!! Feeling your pain!!!

Sandra said...

OMG, that is too funny!!! If you do decide to go out with the guy, make sure you come by here first so that Jazzie and Tahlia can fix your hair :-)

Buckeyes & Eggrolls said...

OMg.. that was hilarious! Let me tell you.. I have the exact same "bowel" issues ever since my gall bladder surgery. I was so worried about china too but alas, I made it. I took imodium every day as a preventative. Then, I was very careful with what I ate and I did NOT drink a lot of water. Drinking lots of water makes it worse for me.

I agree though, if you could do #1 and not have explosive #2.. you'll do fine in China!

With regards to pee guy.. I think he might be worth going out with. He's a lab guy, pouring your pee into a tube was just a daily routine thing. (like seeing the gyno.. can you imagine dating a guy who looks at vajay jays all day long).. LOL

Kayce said...

I just about lost my lunch there girl I was laughing so hard!!! Too Funny!

Abby's Mom said...

Holy shart! You are freaking hilarious and boy can you tell a story! That one ranks right up there with the How you delivered your sisters last baby story :) Thanks for the giggle!!

TBG Happenings said...

NO SHIT....he asked you out while pouring your urine sample!!!

Random drug testing....I can't believe the SHIT that you have to do to be a police officer:)

OK I am going to stop now and go read what everyone else had to say about the SHITTY situation that found yourself in.....

Joannah said...

I can't believe I read all that crap!!! ;-)

You are too funny. I hope everything came out in the end.

:-)

crazylady said...

hold his sperm and return the favor

I am SOOOOO not worthy of you. You rock, poo leakage and all.
My MIL had this and it was because one of her meds.

I will never look at a cop the same way after this. Might get me into a wee bit of trouble.

Catherine said...

Too funny! And to think you said 'no' to pee guy....not to be confused with Sgt. Pee. Hmm...maybe he's single? Now that would be one hot guy to date! LOL!!!

Janet said...

look at my blog in the next couple of days....I'll have a special post....just for you!

Gen said...

After reading that and crazylady's comment "hold his sperm and return the favor" - NOW I have to go and I think I laughed so hard that y'all just made me start my period.

Liene said...

Nice story! I can only imagine how humiliating it was. Getting older sucks! I just think about all the times where I can eat one thing and the next time I eat it my stomach ends up upset. Lots of fun when you've gone out to dinner and then you go somewhere else and your stomach is churning and you're trying to find a potty.

Carol said...

Just came across your blog ...too funny!

AZMom said...

That was a funny read. I am sure it was not funny to live through but when he asked you out, I thought I was going to die laughing.

Found your blog off of another China mom blog I was reading. I have an almost 8 year old daughter from China and a 5 year old son from S. Korea.

Good luck during your wait. I don't know how people do it now. We "only" waited 9 months for our referral way back when and that was torture enough!

Shannon said...

I was hanging on every word! Thanks for making my day!
Let us know if you change your mind about going out with this one!! =)

Rhonda said...

Oh geez, I can't believe he asked you out while he was holding your pee...

Stacy said...

Oh My Goodness! Couldn't he have gotten your number off of the form? What in the world.

It would be a funny story around the dinner table years and years and YEARS from now!

Mamacita said...

Whew! That story turned out way better than I thought it would....but then you probably wouldn't have told us. Right?

I love poop stories.