So a little back story before I get down to it. Because of having that little incident that almost killed me when my gallbladder was yanked out and the resulting bile leakage and sepsis crap (no pun intended), I have some (hmmm... how shall I say?) "problematic bowel issues". Basically, it boils down to this. When I start to get The Feeling, I have a very limited window of opportunity to locate a restroom because my body has decided that it's time to "GO". And there's generally no stopping it. This fact is already causing me distress about the China trip with those damn squattie potties and the group tours which are not exactly gonna be on MY poop schedule, YKWIM? But that's a whole other post. The issue is made worse by stress or when I'm nervous. Yeah... imagine how fun China is gonna be. I'll be registering for Immodium at my baby shower. But like I said... whole other post.
This morning I get into the office and don't even get to sit down before my sergeant tells me my number is up. Random drug test. Go pee in a cup. Not what I wanted to hear first thing in the morning. So I report to the doctor's office chugging water the whole way over. Which immediately starts to upset my empty stomach. I get there, check in and get in line behind two other guys also randomly selected. As I sit there drinking water, I start to feel the tell tale signs that I have come to know entirely too well. OMG... not now!
So then it's my turn and they call me back. Now let me set this up for you so you understand the stress that I'm starting to feel. (Remember how stress is not good for "the issue"?) I have to go in the restroom with a cup and fill it to the marked line. After I'm finished, I'm not allowed to flush cuz the lab guy comes in and checks the toilet. I guess those are the rules at a drug testing place. They don't trust us cops, ya know. Plus if I don't get the cup filled at least to the line, they scrap the sample and I have to START OVER! I'm not allowed to leave until I get to the line. Seriously. This happened once before and I sat in that friggin office for 3 hours chugging water with the Internal Affairs Sergeant breathing down my neck. (It's his job to accompany us during our random testing...hence his nickname "The Pee Sgt"). That day really sucked and I didn't want a repeat.
I go in the little private restroom and stare ominously at the toilet and the sample cup. What the hell am I gonna do? I really need to go #2. Like ... really. But I can't have the lab guy check that out in the potty. How humiliating! Cuz it's not pretty. And it absolutely doesn't smell pretty. (Hey I warned you in the first paragraph this was way too much info but you kept reading. So you have no one to blame but yourself!) That's all I need is the rest of the guys coming in there after me knowing "the girl" is the one who stunk up the john. Oh geez... what do I do? I feel like the walls are closing in on me. There's no way out.
I decide to try to squeeze out enough for a sample without letting anything else out. Yeah... try it sometime when you've got "the feeling". To let one go but not the other. Nearly impossible to do. I manage to get just under the line. WTF?! You've got to be kidding me! Please just a little more...just a little more. You can do it. You don't want to be stuck here for hours. You have someone waiting at the office you need to interview. Just a little more. Concentrate! If you leave this room with it below the line, game over. Start again. Can't do that. Just a little more. Plus how will you be able to ask them for a different bathroom so you can go #2 while you're waiting to build the #1 reserves back up?
So I'm stressing. Which equals stomach churning. But no.... I can't. Not here. Not now. So I try to get just a few more drops of that priceless yellow liquid out. Not gonna happen. Physically impossible to relax enough when I'm basically trying to reverse suction on my colon. I've been in there for about 10 minutes at this point. So while I'm still in the assumed position with my pants down around my ankles, I yell out to the lab guy who has to stand right outside the door, as if this whole process wasn't dreadful enough. "If I can't get all the way to the line, do I have to start over?" He says to let him see how much I've got. He may be able to stretch it out. I zip up and come out. Now I really need to go #2. But can't ...think ...about ...that ...now. Mind over matter. He checks my specimen and thinks he can get enough.
Flashback to the beginning of my exchange with lab guy before I went into the potty.... conversation comes up that I'm divorced because my married name and maiden name are both on my lab form. He throws out that he's divorced, too. So as I'm standing there starting to feel some pain and in dire need to release my bowels, completely humiliated and wanting at that point to just run screaming from the building
...... wait for it
...... wait for it
...... here it is.....
He Asks Me Out!!!
I don't know whether to be flattered or thoroughly disgusted seeing as how when he says the words he's Actually Pouring My Urine into a sample tube. OMG! I'm horrified. I can't go out with this guy even if I wanted to. Which I don't. But what if I did.
THIS would be our story. How could I tell my children about when daddy asked mommy out as he was pouring her pee into a tube while she stood there trying to keep a poker face so he couldn't see how hard she was trying to prevent a major bout of explosive diarrhea!? This story could never have a happy ending with a beginning like that.
So I lie and tell him that I'm flattered but I have a boyfriend. Well, it was easier than hurting the poor guy's feelings. I mean seriously.... who asks a girl out as he's holding her pee?
He gets enough of it into the sample tube and I high tail it out of there as fast as I could in search of the closest bathroom .... that is NOT in this building! Luckily I made it. Those high speed maneuvers I learned in street patrol really come in handy sometimes.
And how was your Thursday?
* You guys crack me up! The comments here are almost funnier than the story itself.