Everyone always said The Wait is hardest at the end. I didn't completely understand that until now. I know I'm not NEXT. And I'm fairly confident I'm not even NEXT NEXT... yet this is getting harder already. I'd been doing pretty good lately with all things adoption. As far as my emotions go, I mean. Lord knows... I've struggled at times during the last four and a half years. But for the past several months I was feeling refreshed, excited. Dare I say ... happy even.
And 98% of the time I still am. That feels good.
But I'm also starting to feel moments of sadness, too. I know those moments will become stronger over the next couple months. Right now I'm still pushing it outta my head for the most part. Because it's easier to make myself numb and not face it. Not think about the fact that my daughter already exists in this world. That hurts. I can physically feel the ache in my heart in those moments when I let my guard down and those thoughts sneak in. I'm not ready to deal with that yet. But it's coming.
And stress. Did I think I'd felt adoption stress before now? You betcha. But now... oh boy. It takes on a whole new dimension. And guess what? I'm fully aware that it's only gonna get worse. The closer I get, the stress will increase. When I'm finally holding that picture .... it'll be magnified by a million. All my emotions will be. Happiness. Sadness. Excitement. Anticipation. Fear.
The not knowing is killing me right now. The CCAA hasn't sent a batch of referrals out since Nov 1st. And there are no rumors circulating either. Today is already Dec 10th in China. How can we not have heard something by now??? During this entire process...as long as referrals kept coming on a fairly regular basis I was able to hold it together. I was able to keep the faith. Keep hanging on.
But now that I'm so close to a referral ....the unknown has become excruciating. How far will they get next time? When will the batch come? What will the cut off date be? Will they do 2 batches in December? Will they squeak one in before Chinese New Year? Which one will I be in?
So close... and yet still so far.