Thursday, December 09, 2010

The Rollercoaster Continues

Everyone always said The Wait is hardest at the end. I didn't completely understand that until now. I know I'm not NEXT. And I'm fairly confident I'm not even NEXT NEXT... yet this is getting harder already. I'd been doing pretty good lately with all things adoption. As far as my emotions go, I mean. Lord knows... I've struggled at times during the last four and a half years. But for the past several months I was feeling refreshed, excited. Dare I say ... happy even.

And 98% of the time I still am. That feels good.

But I'm also starting to feel moments of sadness, too. I know those moments will become stronger over the next couple months. Right now I'm still pushing it outta my head for the most part. Because it's easier to make myself numb and not face it. Not think about the fact that my daughter already exists in this world. That hurts. I can physically feel the ache in my heart in those moments when I let my guard down and those thoughts sneak in. I'm not ready to deal with that yet. But it's coming.

And stress. Did I think I'd felt adoption stress before now? You betcha. But now... oh boy. It takes on a whole new dimension. And guess what? I'm fully aware that it's only gonna get worse. The closer I get, the stress will increase. When I'm finally holding that picture .... it'll be magnified by a million. All my emotions will be. Happiness. Sadness. Excitement. Anticipation. Fear.

The not knowing is killing me right now. The CCAA hasn't sent a batch of referrals out since Nov 1st. And there are no rumors circulating either. Today is already Dec 10th in China. How can we not have heard something by now??? During this entire long as referrals kept coming on a fairly regular basis I was able to hold it together. I was able to keep the faith. Keep hanging on.

But now that I'm so close to a referral ....the unknown has become excruciating. How far will they get next time? When will the batch come? What will the cut off date be? Will they do 2 batches in December? Will they squeak one in before Chinese New Year? Which one will I be in?

So close... and yet still so far.


Wendy said...

I don't have anything to say but, I'm so sorry. It sucks so bad. I am rooting for you and I think about you all of the time! ((Hugs))

Rhonda said...

It totally sucks. *hugs*

Sarah in MT said...

I'm sorry this has been such a long and painful struggle and I can't pretend to have any words of wisdom for you. Just remember that even though it sounds like the brakes are on again, you're still much closer than you've ever been to having little Mia in your arms. And that special time will just keep get closer and closer.

Michal said...

Listen, I never, NEVER had to endure a wait that was as long and as full of unknowns as yours. Even though I have never done your wait exactly, I have done my time and it totally blows chunks. I have nothing, absolutely nothing to say to make it better, to make your heart ache less. Just know that you are not alone. I think of you and your little Mia every single day. My heart knows what your heart is going through. This pain that you're feeling is proof positive that you are Mia's Mama and that together you two will be unstoppable.

GGHadden said...

I think I need to hijack this thread and just go ahead and post it on mine..............couldn't have said it any better! I'm "hunkering down" my emotions, which makes me even more of a stressed out B*tch right now. Let's just hope we get some kind of numbers before X-mas. Hang in there girl! We can't stop now.

Briana's Mom said...

It does get worse as you get closer to referral. It totally did for me. I was literally a basket case just a month before referral. After the wait you have endured, I honestly can even imagine everything you are feeling right now. If they could give an award for patience, you would win first prize.

I'm not going to tell you to keep hanging in there because I know you have heard that statement way too many times over the years. Just know I still think about you and that I know your time is coming. :)

Laurie said...

Barely hanging on here...I'm with you sista!

Allison [LID 6/5/06] said...

Hello, I'm Allison [LID 6/5/06]

Wow, I so want to meet you! We truly have such a similar story, I felt like I was reading about myself, when I read your "Why Single Motherhood? post!! For me, my ex decided he just didn't want to have kids anymore... what a crock! I found your blog on RQ and am here for the first time. Like you, I've been trying to do whatever I could to not have to 'face' the wait, but am now just starting to "let" myself get excited again... so am starting to dig into the posts and blogs and discussions on RQ. It's so hard to read each day that there is 'no news' so sometimes I just try my best not to go there.

This will now be my 5th Christmas since I made the decision without my 'Dear Butterfly' and if I have to go one my Mother's Day, I will absolutely lose it! Our day is nearing though, I can feel it.

I just keep telling myself I need to get through Feb. and then I will have to know, have to at least see her picture, know when my DTC is and so much more.

It's so great to read the support in all these messages. It seems we all ponder, worry, and are excited about all the same things. No one else can truly understand this journey unless they are on it.

Thank you for your site, it's awesome. I would love to find a better way to present mine... so maybe you could teach me!

All the best, and I truly do hope to meet you one day!

kitchu said...

it is so hard, and i remember that time so distinctly when i was toward the end of my waiting.

and then she was here, and everything changes. even your perception of your waiting. you realize- i don't know, that it was never once about you i guess. and there is this guilt that comes with adoption that i didn't expect. that was my experience though, i'm sure it's not everyone's.

and i don't want to at all minimize what you are feeling, because i would be a liar if i said i hadn't felt exactly the same. just know that you will be on the other side of it, and your whole world will open up in ways you never dreamed- and it's more about every part of life, not just being a mom. hard to explain. it's magical, it's painful, it's easier and harder than you think it will be.

and it's worth every minute you waited to get there.

The Raudenbush Family said...

Oh, the waiting is so hard. Thanks for your honesty and sharing yourself here.

Erica said...

I knew the day Duc was relinquished months before I received his referral. I stepped out one morning to a full moon, took a breath and felt him in the wind. I knew that his mother was making a horrible decision and it broke my heart. I was excited that he was finally here, but I cried for what they were both going through. Every full moon until I finally held him I would stare up at the moon and whisper a prayer that I hoped was carried to him.

The wait once you see your child's face is horrible. I remember seeing his photos--being absolutely thrilled--but also knowing something was wrong. I had a really strong sense of who this child was long before I met him and to watch him suffer while I waited to meet him was horrible.

People always say that once you hold your child all that fades. But it doesn't. I still remember just how painful that time was, but it has made me appreciate what I had to go through to finally be his mom.

Take care.