Thursday, June 17, 2010

Life Is Good Again

Got through the month of major suckage. The load has lightened quite a bit. Now I'm just having a hard time blogging because I'm super busy. But not cuz I'm totally stressed out. Finally! For this I am grateful.

And it's amazing how the month of June has become the total opposite of the month of May. My head and my heart are in such a better place. It's refreshing. And I'm actually feeling good again. Quite happy, in fact. It's fabulous the feeling a major attitude adjustment can bring out.

My brother is doing well and adjusting to his new marriage and new barber shop. My mother is getting settled in her new place. I'm enjoying spending time with the T's. We've had some "all by myself" sleepovers recently. You know, just one kid at a time. Which is a major treat for a sibling group of 5. It's been a treat for me, too. To have this opportunity to bond with them one on one. And I expect more sleepovers now that summer is here and school is out. I've been to baseball and tee ball games and watched Tatum as she rehearsed for her big annual dance recital. They always seem to have something going on.

I'm trying to take advantage and appreciate my freedom while it lasts. So I've been hanging out with my girlfriends more, too. Going to movies, out for dinner, or just sitting on the porch with a cocktail. I love these times and wish I wouldn't have been so foggy these last couple years to have cherished them more. But I'm making up for all that adoption haze and depression now. I'm having more fun than I've had in a long time.... and it feels wonderful!

I've been spending a lot of time in my outside spaces now that summer has arrived. The fresh air and beautiful sunshine have done wonders for my soul. I made a very wise decision this year and paid a landscaper to do the big spring overhaul. It was sooooo worth it. He got done in a few hours what would have taken me weeks. And it looks better than ever! Sadly, I lost an entire batch of flowers that were mistaken for weeds. Yeah... I didn't get it either. I mean, he's the professional after all. But it worked out in my favor. He replaced them with even better flowers and I'm loving the look of the beds so much more.

Sitting outside when your yard is pretty and you didn't have to do the work to get it like that is incredibly relaxing. Just for my sense of sanity that money was well spent. I think he'll be coming back every spring from now on.

On another topic, several years ago I drifted away from my since-7th grade-BFF. Not cuz of any one thing. No big falling out. Just time, obligations and other silly bullshit. But we've recently reconnected and patched things up. It was like not missing a beat. My BFF is back and I'm so incredibly happy! No one knows me like she does. We have so much history together. I've really missed her and didn't realize just how empty that space in my heart was after she left it. But it's full again. Overflowing, in fact.

BFF also has 3 kids that I helped raise. They were all born before we hit age 20. Far too young to be raising babies. So we grew up quite a bit ourselves in their early years. They've also returned to my life and I'm absolutely ecstatic over that! I tried to stay in touch with them in spite of the distance with their mom but it was difficult. So there were gaps of time when we just simply lost touch. It's like not missing a beat with them either. I've really missed my A's. Ashlee, Adryan and Alexis. She chose names like my sister did. LOL!

As we reconnect, I've realized how much they've grown up. They're all 3 in separate places now. So my recent contact with them has been individually. Which is so interesting. As kids they always came as a package deal. I never had the opportunity to get to know them on their own. And it's really amazing. I've always known them. But now I really know them. They're all fascinating in their own right. It's such a gift to be able to enjoy this time with them as they start to strike out on their own and make their way in the world.

I've also noticed the hard times they've struggled through has given them a greater appreciation for the people who have always unconditionally loved and supported them. Or maybe it's that they're more mature now. Or maybe it's the absence of me that has made them more aware. Or maybe it's just that we're getting to know each other all over again on a much deeper level. Whatever the case... it's like a huge love fest over here now. LOL! They're all 3 more affectionate, more open with their emotions, talking about their feelings.... and I'm loving every bit of it. These were my first babies and oh how I've missed them. :)

BFF has also added 2 younger children since she's been married. I didn't have the same relationship with them as with the first 3 just because of circumstance. But I'm welcoming the opportunity to add them into my circle and get to know them, too. Plus there are also now 4 grandchildren for BFF. All beautiful, smart, amazing little people.

Anyone who knows me understands how much my family means to me. Especially the children in my life. And it feels like my family is finally intact again. She was always like the fourth child to my mother. I had numbed the pain of that missing piece. I didn't realize just how much her absence had hurt me until I had her back. Had all of them back. That pain makes the happiness that much sweeter though. I can't wait to welcome my own daughter into this great big crazy group.

Speaking of that.... I'm also, for the first time since probably 2006, in a Really Good Place with the adoption. All the paperwork nonsense is done. I'll probably have to renew my immigration stuff one more time. But it'll be very simple. And more importantly... free! So it's all good.

But most of all, I'm starting to see a little light at the end of the tunnel. And it's so welcome cuz this tunnel has been very dark at times. Some of that numbness and detachment is starting to lift. Just a little. I suspect it will peel back like layers of an onion as each month passes and I get closer to referral. But I'm starting to believe again. Believe that this process really will end in a baby. And soon!

Well, "soon" is a relative term when you've waited over 4 yrs. I'm predicting a referral in Jan or Feb at this point. That's soon to me. Cuz anything less than a year is a piece of cake. But we'll have to wait and see. It could push out further. But for the first time in a very very very long time, I'm okay with my time line.

And I'm happy again. I'm sure I'll have my moments... but I really hope this feeling lasts. Cuz I like it! :)


Kim said...

So happy for you girly..
YOU sooo deserve it..
BFF are sooo hard to find and keep ... and when you do don't let them go..
Soooo glad you are almost at the end..
you will have your baby girl soon..
Have a great weekend..

Wendy said...

Thank you for the update. I am so glad you are getting so much closer to your referral. I think about you all of the time. My heart has hurt so much for you during your long wait. I can only imagine how dark that tunnel has been. I am glad you are finally seeing the light at the end. It's that spark of hope. You ARE almost there!! ((Hugs)) to you!

"M" said...

So glad June has hit and you are getting your happy back! Enjoy all the riches your life seems to be full of, and know that the richest part is finally going to happen.

wzgirl said...

Three cheers for that little light at the end of this big ass tunnel....holla. xo

my3 kids said...

I am so happy that you have been able to reconnect with your bff. My bff lives far away too and we do see each other the odd time but not very often. In fact the last time we visited was when we returned from China with little miss Emma who is now 5..yikes! Vancouver is so far away:( Anyway I am so happy that you are feeling have more patients then I would I think. Happy June;)

Randi said...

I am happy for you that you have decided to cherish your alone time. There will come a time when you miss it so much. You will never want to go back to not having your baby with you, but you sure will want a few of those alone hours back again. If you cherish them now, at least you will be able to say that you did not waste your time when you had it.

Kelli said...

I just got all the warm fuzzies and tears in my eyes from reading your blog! I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that you get the amazing new years eve present this year that I did two years ago! One beautiful little face staring at you from a little photo in a fedex pack. You are ready.

Briana's Mom said...

You sound like you are in such a good place right now. I am so happy for you!

k said...

all good things!! i remember feeling that about 6 months prior to my referral or so- just this inner peace and happiness and taking hold of the moment... and this knowledge, deep down, that she was here and living her life and that she didn't know about me yet, so there was no reason to fret about that time to come.

so glad you are enjoying your family and friends in full!

a Tonggu Momma said...

I'm so glad you are at a place of peace now, with so many good things happening in your life. I, too, can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Less than a year equals hope now for me. Fretting, too, if I'm honest, but hope as well.

Buckeyes & Eggrolls said...

so glad things are good again for you. SOOOOO canno† believe how long the wait has gotten. I'm afraid Marty and I would have given up especially with all the health developments I've had lately. UGH. Can'† wait to finally read about your referral though.. It definitely has been a long, long wait

Michal said...

It seems like things are looking up. I am so glad- you deserve it.

Re-connecting with your bff? I am glad it always feels so nice to have those kinds of people around- those that have a history with you.

Seems like you are having what I have heard called "Faith without a Timeline". They say it's the best, sanity saving way to go.