You've been warned. This is NOT a feel good post. I'm having some trouble finding my happy place this week. I have way too much on my mind. And when I worry and stress, I eat.... which has resulted in about 6 additional pounds since returning from paradise. Then I beat myself up for it .... which increases my stress and worry. I was doing pretty good with my new year's resolution diet (you know, the one I wasn't publicly talking about since I failed so miserably at it last year). So I'm pissed I've let myself start down that slippery slope. Again. It's a really great dysfunctional cycle to be stuck in.
I called in sick to work yesterday with a horrible toothache. It's been going on for about a month but I've been ignoring it. Cuz nothing good ever comes from a toothache. Well, there's no more ignoring it when it hurts so freakin' bad I can't sleep at night. And I was right that it wasn't good. I have a root canal scheduled for tomorrow. At a cost of $685 (yes that's after insurance pays their piddly little part). At least I have some Vico-din to get me through until it's taken care of.
Oh and by the way..... the last root canal I had caused me to have a big, freak out, crying melt down, panic attack in the dentist's chair. Apparently, I have some PTSD issues from the whole almost dying incident. So when the dentist shot novocaine into the roof of my mouth it felt like it had swollen. Which it hadn't ..... but we all know how that novocaine feels, right? When he laid me back in the chair I felt like my airway was blocked (it wasn't, of course) and I thought I couldn't breathe (I could, of course). But I think I started having some subconscious memory of the ventilator. I felt the freak out coming..... but I was still trying to maintain. It didn't work. When the dentist bent over me with that mask over his mouth and pulled that giant medical light down like some kind of torture device... I lost it. Luckily, after some explanation of my medical history the dentist realized I wasn't a crazy person. Or at least, not a certifiable crazy person anyway. LOL! It was just not a good day for me. And I get to do it all again tomorrow.
Speaking of freaking out over medical procedures..... I also need surgery on my knee. I think I mentioned here that I injured it back in October. I've known since December that I need surgery. I'm just trying really hard to not think about what that actually means. Cuz I think I'll need some good Vali-um just to get me INTO the hospital to do the procedure. The ortho surgeon said "It's not that big a deal. It's a simple outpatient surgery where I just poke a few holes in your knee." It was all very deja vu. Cuz my gallbladder surgeon said almost Those Exact Same Words. And we all know how that ended up......
I feel a major freak out coming on knee surgery day. But I'm blocking it out right now.
I don't know when surgery day is gonna be. Cuz not only do I have to stress about the actual procedure but now I'm fighting Worker's Comp over it (cuz I hurt it at work). It's just a totally FUBAR situation. The surgeon's office didn't fill out the paperwork right in the first place. They didn't request the surgery for the actual condition/injury I have. They left it off the paperwork entirely and only mentioned some secondary non-surgical diagnosis. WTF? How do you even do that? How do you say I need surgery but then forget to say why? So needless to say.... everything is being delayed while Worker's Comp schedules hearings and the surgeon's office tries to correct the paperwork. In the meantime, I've had to hire an attorney to help me navigate this very confusing process. I'm not a happy camper.
Unfortunately, I really need the surgery sooner rather than later. I've been able to suck it up and deal so far. But there are some limits and two things I can't do are squatting down or kneeling on the bad knee. I basically can't put weight on it when it's bent. Which are all things I have to do when I qualify with my firearm. If I can't qualify.... well, let's just say nothing good will come of it cuz there's no such thing as an unarmed police officer. Guess what time of year it is right now? Yep, it's qualification time. I'm gonna try to fight my way through it and hope for the best. But I'm majorly stressed. Anyone have a cupcake? No wait... that's not helping, is it? :P
On top of all that, my mom lost her job. (Sorry, mom. I know you read the blog. You should skip this paragraph.) I'm really worried about that. This is a horrible economy. At a time when she should be planning for retirement, she's basically starting over. I don't know what the future holds here and I'm really scared for her. That's all I can say.... cuz I know my mom didn't stop reading this paragraph like I told her to.... and I don't want to upset her any more.
But all the stresses in my life right now pale in comparison to the worries of the world. Especially when I found out yesterday that a well liked, well respected co-worker with a wife and young kids has stage 4 cancer. I haven't quite wrapped my head around this news just yet. But it certainly makes me realize my problems don't really matter that much. I need to take a deep breath and understand that all of my issues will be resolved and over with at some point. And I'm grateful for that. Stage 4 cancer puts everything into perspective, doesn't it?