Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Depressing Post Ahead

You've been warned. This is NOT a feel good post. I'm having some trouble finding my happy place this week. I have way too much on my mind. And when I worry and stress, I eat.... which has resulted in about 6 additional pounds since returning from paradise. Then I beat myself up for it .... which increases my stress and worry. I was doing pretty good with my new year's resolution diet (you know, the one I wasn't publicly talking about since I failed so miserably at it last year). So I'm pissed I've let myself start down that slippery slope. Again. It's a really great dysfunctional cycle to be stuck in.

I called in sick to work yesterday with a horrible toothache. It's been going on for about a month but I've been ignoring it. Cuz nothing good ever comes from a toothache. Well, there's no more ignoring it when it hurts so freakin' bad I can't sleep at night. And I was right that it wasn't good. I have a root canal scheduled for tomorrow. At a cost of $685 (yes that's after insurance pays their piddly little part). At least I have some Vico-din to get me through until it's taken care of.

Oh and by the way..... the last root canal I had caused me to have a big, freak out, crying melt down, panic attack in the dentist's chair. Apparently, I have some PTSD issues from the whole almost dying incident. So when the dentist shot novocaine into the roof of my mouth it felt like it had swollen. Which it hadn't ..... but we all know how that novocaine feels, right? When he laid me back in the chair I felt like my airway was blocked (it wasn't, of course) and I thought I couldn't breathe (I could, of course). But I think I started having some subconscious memory of the ventilator. I felt the freak out coming..... but I was still trying to maintain. It didn't work. When the dentist bent over me with that mask over his mouth and pulled that giant medical light down like some kind of torture device... I lost it. Luckily, after some explanation of my medical history the dentist realized I wasn't a crazy person. Or at least, not a certifiable crazy person anyway. LOL! It was just not a good day for me. And I get to do it all again tomorrow.

Speaking of freaking out over medical procedures..... I also need surgery on my knee. I think I mentioned here that I injured it back in October. I've known since December that I need surgery. I'm just trying really hard to not think about what that actually means. Cuz I think I'll need some good Vali-um just to get me INTO the hospital to do the procedure. The ortho surgeon said "It's not that big a deal. It's a simple outpatient surgery where I just poke a few holes in your knee." It was all very deja vu. Cuz my gallbladder surgeon said almost Those Exact Same Words. And we all know how that ended up......

I feel a major freak out coming on knee surgery day. But I'm blocking it out right now.

I don't know when surgery day is gonna be. Cuz not only do I have to stress about the actual procedure but now I'm fighting Worker's Comp over it (cuz I hurt it at work). It's just a totally FUBAR situation. The surgeon's office didn't fill out the paperwork right in the first place. They didn't request the surgery for the actual condition/injury I have. They left it off the paperwork entirely and only mentioned some secondary non-surgical diagnosis. WTF? How do you even do that? How do you say I need surgery but then forget to say why? So needless to say.... everything is being delayed while Worker's Comp schedules hearings and the surgeon's office tries to correct the paperwork. In the meantime, I've had to hire an attorney to help me navigate this very confusing process. I'm not a happy camper.

Unfortunately, I really need the surgery sooner rather than later. I've been able to suck it up and deal so far. But there are some limits and two things I can't do are squatting down or kneeling on the bad knee. I basically can't put weight on it when it's bent. Which are all things I have to do when I qualify with my firearm. If I can't qualify.... well, let's just say nothing good will come of it cuz there's no such thing as an unarmed police officer. Guess what time of year it is right now? Yep, it's qualification time. I'm gonna try to fight my way through it and hope for the best. But I'm majorly stressed. Anyone have a cupcake? No wait... that's not helping, is it? :P

On top of all that, my mom lost her job. (Sorry, mom. I know you read the blog. You should skip this paragraph.) I'm really worried about that. This is a horrible economy. At a time when she should be planning for retirement, she's basically starting over. I don't know what the future holds here and I'm really scared for her. That's all I can say.... cuz I know my mom didn't stop reading this paragraph like I told her to.... and I don't want to upset her any more.

But all the stresses in my life right now pale in comparison to the worries of the world. Especially when I found out yesterday that a well liked, well respected co-worker with a wife and young kids has stage 4 cancer. I haven't quite wrapped my head around this news just yet. But it certainly makes me realize my problems don't really matter that much. I need to take a deep breath and understand that all of my issues will be resolved and over with at some point. And I'm grateful for that. Stage 4 cancer puts everything into perspective, doesn't it?

22 comments:

Headmeister said...

Lots to say about this but limited time. Will say sorry about your mom and coworker, for sure... But wanted to tell you that I've had that knee surgery, and honey, it's been 6 years and I still can't kneel on it. And I won't ever be able to, either. It also took me 3 years to not feel pain when I walked. That's how I went from being a hottie to a "not-tie" - I gained like 50lbs...lol. Hope yours doesn't go the way mine did, that's for sure.

Good luck with the dentist, you'll be ok!!!

Marla said...

Awwwww, sorry to hear ALL of this, the knee, the dentist (which I hate too and I've never had a near-death experience), your mom and especially your co-worker. {Hugs to you}

Oh, and you mentioning Valium made me remember that my mom gets Valium before she goes to the dentist, they call it in for her and she takes it about 1/2 hour before her appt time (of course, someone has to drive her there and home, but it's worth it). You might call and ask about that!

Michelle said...

Oh man, you really have a lot on your plate right now. I hate medical issues. Why can't they ever be resolved quickly and painlessly? That really sucks about your Mom's job. Iknow how scary that can be.

I'm thinking good thoughts for you that everything turns out as it should.

And I so hear you about the weight thing. The last time I did this much stress eating was after my Mom died and I just didn't care. That's how I have been feeling lately and my weight is starting to show it. Blech.

Diana said...

As I am sitting here *itching at my family about everything as I am so PISSED that was husband was laid off a month ago I read your comment about your co worker. It does put things in perepective.
My prayers are with them..good luck with your dentist appt.
I just had 2 crowns so I feel for you!!

Sea Star said...

I'm sorry your struggling with a full not so fun plate right now. I do agree that the coworker with stage 4 cancer puts everything into perspective. Thinking about you.

3D said...

I am super sorry that things are quite shitty right now. I hope things turn brighter soon. But sadly your colleague's situation is a wake up for all of us to realize what the important things in life are.

Hugs...

Daniella said...

Sorry for the sucky stuff going on. good thoughts your way :)

Suzie said...

Sorry to hear that you have so much crappy stuff going on right now. It sucks for your mom, your tooth, your knee but especially for your co-worker and his family.

I'm sorry :o(

Lisa B. said...

The dentist thing really isn't all that bad...I've had 2 root canals...yck...not pleasant although tolerable. Of course, I can understand your anxiety. I like Marla's suggestion of taking a valium before going...maybe that will help. I gotta tell you, though...the remark Headmeister made about his/her own surgery could have gone unsaid. Didn't give you much confidence to face your own surgery, did it? Three of my brothers had knee surgery and was back to work the next day. Granted, they are not police officers but 2 of them are referees so they do a lot of running up and down the basketball court and football fields. Sorry about your mom losing her job. I think you need a margarite night...I'm up for that! Call if you want to go! Love ya!

Carla said...

Sorry things suck so bad right now, and sorry I have to read about it on the Internet! Maybe you could destress a little better if you talked to a real live person. Just saying.

Sorry to hear about your coworker. When we lost that Mom last week at work, it made me realize how uncertain the future really is.

Sorry. That wasn't very perky or optimistic. I vote for margarita night with Lisa.

A Beautiful Mess said...

Deep breaths my friend:) this calls for bullets and not the ones in your gun

* Everyone has a different experience with knee surgery....I know of people who have had the surger, lost weight and are happy and thank god for the surgery.

* I paid $850 for my root canal....so much for things being cheaper down south:)

* Valium is the key to have no freakin idea what happens during your root canal. This is the voice of experience talking!

* Valium the day(s) before knee surgery would also be good....gaaawd valium is good for lots of stuff!

* I don't know your mom but the stories you have told me indicate to me that she is a survivor and she will land on her feet!

* People have been known to kick cancers ass. Saying prayers for strength for your coworker and his family.

* I would be there for drinks if I could...maybe we should meet half way!?!?!

Noemi said...

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. It is a lot all at once. I am sending good vibes your way and hope that everything goes well at the Dentist tomorrow.

I am sorry to hear about your mom. These are very scary and trying times.

I hope your co-worker beats cancer big time.

Hugs!

Half Gaelic, Half Garlic! said...

So sorry for all the things that are going on around you....

I can totally understand and relate to your fear of any and all procedures....after going through what you did, it is only natural.

Thinking of you,

Lisa

JoAnn in NJ said...

Hugs to you K...I hear ya this is a very difficult time for you.

I will send good thoughts your way that all will be resolved positively for you (and your co-worker with Cancer)

Try to get some sleep :)

Wendy said...

(((hugs))) So sorry you are having a lousy time!

Debz said...

um....drink? :OI

Debz said...

Hopefully there are better days soon. and your right stage 4 cancer does put things into perspective doesn't it.
Hugz

Sarah in MT said...

Sucks? I'll tell you what sucks! Finding out my cuz's are talking spontaneous margarita night while I'm living clear across the freakin' country in MT! I'd have an easier time getting to Me-Tah!! Oh well, guess I'll sit here and have one for you in spirit. Hang tough!

Colleen said...

I am so sorry for all you have on your mind right now. It is alot to handle and we all have our breaking points. Its ok to feel scared, frustrated, and all that comes along with it. Your human. You also are very strong and will get thru it all. ONE day at a time. That is all that you can do.

Love ya and thinking of ya.

wzgirl said...

Geez. That's a lot, babe. Hope it helped to put it all down. You are moving forward and I'm sure your Mom is - and forward motion is the best we've got sometimes. I'll keep you in my thoughts with the hope that your procedures go well and that you get them behind you - and soon! xo

Briana's Mom said...

Wow - you have a lot going on right now. Sending hugs...

Abby's Mom said...

Sending ((HUGS)) your way! That's a lot to have to deal with all at the same time. I have had the surgery on my knee too. It really wasn't a big deal. Better fix it now while you have time to heal before China.