Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Good And The Bad

The amazingly optimistic early rumors of the next batch of referrals getting through 20+ days was sadly, totally and completely, friggin' wrong. As usual. I didn't really believe it in my head.... but my heart skipped a beat and let my mind wander to thoughts of "I could get my referral in '09 instead of 2010".

Stupid thoughts. Cuz not only isn't it going to happen but now the CCAA has me teetering on the edge of not even seeing my baby in 2010 with this sorry ass 2 day batch. I mean, 2 days? Seriously?! From what I hear, March 1st and 2nd aren't even remarkably big days. I expected the possibility of a 1 or 2 day batch for some of those March dates later in the month that are said to be HUGE. But this? No.... I didn't see that one coming and it took some of the wind out of my newly billowing again sails.

I'm especially sad for some of my March friends who are so close to a referral they can taste it. I won't mention any names...(LOL) but one in particular has been somewhat of a mess lately. I knew she was in full blown freak out mode when I called last week.... during the good rumors mind you.... and she broke down in tears. As soon as I saw RQ yesterday morning and the sad news reported there, I texted her. (Cuz I'm all hip like that now with the texting thing.) Next thing you know, before anyone could really think about it, a plane ticket was purchased so that I could personally get her drunk. Hey... a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, right?
Then another bloggy gal pal close to her referral decided she needed to get drunk, too. So in a completely spontaneous move, she also bought a plane ticket. Which is amazing cuz this girl don't do nothing without a well thought out plan. But she threw caution to the wind and went for it. I'm hearing you roar, girl! But apparently there's a limit on spontaneity when you have to plan around work, kids, husbands, dogs, ticket prices, availability, etc. So we won't be getting all liquored up for a few weeks, unfortunately.

Speaking of referrals..... seeing women who I consider friends, so close to referral or getting their beautiful referral pics or bringing their babies home ..... people whose blogs I've followed for the last nearly 3 yrs... has reignited the hope in my heart. The hope that I might actually get a baby in the end of this crazy process. It's created countless moments of daydreaming about what my daughter will look like, how old will she be, what will her personality be like, how old will her cousins be by the time she comes home, and picturing how stinkin cute she's gonna look in those new boots I just bought her. LOL! But that hope and those dreams have been both good AND bad.

Good because I'm starting to actually think about this adoption again. I've been sort of detached from it for awhile now. That excitement I felt when I was paperchasing and newly logged in is starting to resurface. The motivation to prepare for Mia's arrival is back. I've started to clear out the nursery. It's my next big decorating project. I've decided on bedding and will finally get some of that fabric I bought 3 yrs ago out so it can be transformed into crib bumpers and dust ruffles and window treatments and stuff. That's gonna be fun! I realized I probably need to start looking into my childcare options this summer since so many places have waiting lists. I even cleaned out the linen closet and organized it last weekend. I guess I'm nesting a bit.

But bad because it's awakened the shopping monster that has lain mostly dormant for a year or more. And whoever invented E*bay and online shopping is either a genius or a monster. I haven't decided which. Cuz I love how convenient it is to just get things with the click of a button and they magically appear a few days later on my doorstep. But I hate when the credit card bill comes and I realize how much shopping I've actually done. LOL!

I'm okay though. I've been socking money away for 3 years. The adoption fees and travel expenses are already there. And it looks like I've got another 18 mths or so to keep socking it away. So I might as well enjoy myself a bit after busting my arse working 2 jobs for 3+ yrs. Do you hear me rationalizing my purchases a bit? LOL! My recent shopping may even require it's own post soon. I've gotten some majorly cool stuff and it's made me very happy. So maybe this should go more in the good category. :P

That hope is also kinda bad cuz I still have a long way to go in this. I'm afraid if I get too excited my heart will be hurt again when my referral keeps getting pushed further and further away. It's such complete irony that I can be closer to a referral than I've ever been and still further away as I've ever been. Does that make sense? Like being stuck on a treadmill. I just keep running but I don't ever get anywhere.

Well, at least I'm getting drunk next month. On a beach. With my girlfriends. So life is good.


Traci said...

I have so many hugs in my heart for you.

((((((Here's one of them.))))))))

On the internet shopping point, I have a new habit. I receive Old Navy, Gymboree, etc. ads in my email and I get so excited! I eagerly click on the 50% OFF sign and start perusing. Before too long my shopping bag is filled up with the greatest stuff! I scoot over to my shopping bag and look at all the goodies I have in there. Sometimes I even call the kids in to see what I've picked out for them. It's fun!

And then I scroll down to the bottom line and offer a quick...."not today!" and close the window. Just like that!

I shopped, I had fun, I imagined what they would look like and then walked away. Sounds like a total waste of time, right? Well, it sort of satisfies my need to shop without having to deal with that pesty VISA statement at the end of the month.

Granted my children are home and my heart is not being ripped apart by this insane adoption system, but I had to share my new tactic. It's working.

Sleep peacefully imagining that moment of taking her in your arms for the first time. Because it IS going to happen to you too.


Diana said...

I am so happy that you all have something to look forward it:) There is nothing better then girlfriends..Ok..ALL of your referrals would be better but GIRLFRIENDS come in a close second:)

Wendy said...

I feel so sad and sick to my stomach for you and everyone else in this suck ass line for China. I'm so sorry girl! I hope you have a fun time with your friends though.

Mya said...

I have so felt your pain! As a Nov 05 lid, I saw the beginings of the slow down as soon as we sent off our paperwork. Also had close calls with referral only to have to wait 2 more months! It sucked! To think that it will be 2 years in June that we got a referral and they have just started March of 06 sickens and saddens me! My only encouragement is that you are logged in and your turn will come! I felt what so many of you are going through. The detachment and the ups and downs of the roller coaster of what if! Hang in there! I know it's hard and even harder for you all still waiting!
Have a great time at the beach and I'll have a drink for you all myself!

Rhonda said...

Sounds lovely (getting drunk, that is).

Have one for me. ;)

a Tonggu Momma said...

I want you to get so drunk you can't even walk three feet. And I want you to do it not just for yourself, but for me, too.

Our LID buddies (who live five minutes from us) pulled out of the program this week.

Also, by a cruel twist of fate, your word verification reads "hopedrea" right now. If it had an M on the end, I just might cry.

Hugs to you. And "Gan Bei!" (That means "bottoms up/ cheers" in Mandarin.)

Michelle said...

Now that's friendship!

I didn't allow myself to get excited about the rumors this month. I'm still so far away that I really don't even pay too much attention to how many days are referred anymore. I feel so far detached from the whole process that I worry I won't be able to "re-attach" emotionally when the time comes. Especially now when our whole lives are turned upside down and we wouldn't even qualify if we had to re-do our paperwork right this instant(which thank God we don't-we still have plenty of time for that).

I wish I had some friends that would jump on a plane and come get drunk with me. I could use me some tequila about now :) said...
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Lisa and Tate said...

Two freakin' days!!! SERENITY NOW!!!

Glad the nesting has started again.... I still have 4 days of referrals to get thru and Tate's room is not done... What have been doing for 3+ years????

Have fun partying on the beach with some of your BFF!

OziMum said...

Wish I could be there for that drink!!!

The inflated donation has got us scrambling for every last cent... especially since the exchange rate is beyond crappy at the moment. Looks like, its not only going to cost us the extra AUS$2000 but another AUS$2000 because the rate is shocking. I got a quote the other day 35000CNY = AUS$9100


Made in China said...

It's so hard to not get excited when good rumors show up.

Hang in there.

Suzie said...

I too got sucked in by the rumor and agree that it "totally and completely is friggin wrong". Who the heck starts these rumors???

It should be warmer down here in FL when you come to visit you BFF! The mornings this week have been in the 30's which is FREEZING for us southerners :o)

Pug Mama said...

I am the prude.
I will be watching both of your asses getting drunk..............with a video camera in hand.............

Marla said...

I'm sorry for the crappy two day batch. It sucks, big ones.

Have fun on your trip. I'll fire up the blender in y'alls honor too. I think it's awesome the friendships that are formed through this process. And LOL Pug Mama, can't wait to see that video.

Liene said...

When I read T's blog and post about the friends coming down for margarita's I knew exactly who it was - PugMama and you. That's scary that I would figure that out so freakin' fast. I'm getting to know you gals too well and I haven't even met you and T!!

This adoption thing sucks big time. It's driving me nuts - the highs, the lows.

And please post about the online shopping experience. I want to see what you bought that I likely will have to go buy myself. My blog friends are a bad influence on me :-)

Polar Bear said...

Lesson learned ~ NO MORE RUMORS!
Ha! Easier said than done, but I'm going to try.

Have a 'rita for me! Sounds like the perfect escape!! Take lots of pictures!! :o)

Sea Star said...

The image of that very polite woman holding a shot of tequilla leaves me giggling like a 2 year old.

Donna said...

...sigh. Two days? How can a rumor be so wrong? I don't know how you stand this. I would be such a freakin' mess! I'm not really bad at waiting but I'm incredibly bad at accepting uncertainty.

Enjoy your little getaway and if the beach is anywhere near Orlando on the last weekend in February, the drinks are on me!

Our Blog: Double Happiness!

Isabella's Mommy and Daddy said...

I am with you on the internet shopping.. LOVE IT..
Have a great weekend..
And I know you will have a great getaway..
Have a drink for me..

Kristen said...

Sooo Looking forward to that video pugmama!!! you girls have fun and a drink or 5 for me!!

Half Gaelic, Half Garlic! said...

You are one incredible friend to buy a plane ticket on a all are going to have a blast!! Have one for me while you are on that beach.....and I hope Pug Mama follows through with the video:)

I can't wait to see your little one rockin those hot pink might need to post some pics of them with the penguin sweater once they arrive...they are so cute!!

Hope you have a great weekend.


Kristy said...

I am soooo jealous, it sounds like you girls are going to have such a great time!! I am glad to hear that you are getting excited again. All of us have to keep a positive attitude, I really don't think that all of you that are farther down the line are really going to have to wait that much longer once they get thru the backlog. I know I am nobody, but it is just a feeling that I have had forever. Have a great weekend.

Love, Kristy

Kristy said...

It's me again, you are 06/06, for some reason I was thinking 08/06, you are not so far down the line, I am not counting you out of 2009!! Something has got to change, somethings got to give!!!


"M" said...

I'm so impressed with your impulse plane tickets. Sounds like fun and just what the doctor ordered for all of you. Enjoy the shopping highs when you have them. You have to seize what joy you can, when you can, during this crazy journey.

Debz said...

The biggest rollercoaster ride doesn't scair me as much as this ride does.
Hold on Sister!
Go get on that plane and have a blast!

ps. I have an award waiting for you over at my blog.

PIPO said...

Heh, I'm with Sea Star. Yeah, you guys will be just like that little poster of the chick with the tequila ;0)

Hey, nothing in this process has ever happened when we wanted it too. So, you've got a great plan to kick back and pass the time with friends as you wait....especially in FEB (Yeah, I'm a little green over beach time in Feb. ;0)

Enjoy....and don't shop your arse off too much. Then again, what the hell am I saying? Do what you must!