The Good And The Bad

The amazingly optimistic early rumors of the next batch of referrals getting through 20+ days was sadly, totally and completely, friggin' wrong. As usual. I didn't really believe it in my head.... but my heart skipped a beat and let my mind wander to thoughts of "I could get my referral in '09 instead of 2010".

Stupid thoughts. Cuz not only isn't it going to happen but now the CCAA has me teetering on the edge of not even seeing my baby in 2010 with this sorry ass 2 day batch. I mean, 2 days? Seriously?! From what I hear, March 1st and 2nd aren't even remarkably big days. I expected the possibility of a 1 or 2 day batch for some of those March dates later in the month that are said to be HUGE. But this? No.... I didn't see that one coming and it took some of the wind out of my newly billowing again sails.

I'm especially sad for some of my March friends who are so close to a referral they can taste it. I won't mention any names...(LOL) but one in particular has been somewhat of a mess lately. I knew she was in full blown freak out mode when I called last week.... during the good rumors mind you.... and she broke down in tears. As soon as I saw RQ yesterday morning and the sad news reported there, I texted her. (Cuz I'm all hip like that now with the texting thing.) Next thing you know, before anyone could really think about it, a plane ticket was purchased so that I could personally get her drunk. Hey... a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, right?
Then another bloggy gal pal close to her referral decided she needed to get drunk, too. So in a completely spontaneous move, she also bought a plane ticket. Which is amazing cuz this girl don't do nothing without a well thought out plan. But she threw caution to the wind and went for it. I'm hearing you roar, girl! But apparently there's a limit on spontaneity when you have to plan around work, kids, husbands, dogs, ticket prices, availability, etc. So we won't be getting all liquored up for a few weeks, unfortunately.

Speaking of referrals..... seeing women who I consider friends, so close to referral or getting their beautiful referral pics or bringing their babies home ..... people whose blogs I've followed for the last nearly 3 yrs... has reignited the hope in my heart. The hope that I might actually get a baby in the end of this crazy process. It's created countless moments of daydreaming about what my daughter will look like, how old will she be, what will her personality be like, how old will her cousins be by the time she comes home, and picturing how stinkin cute she's gonna look in those new boots I just bought her. LOL! But that hope and those dreams have been both good AND bad.

Good because I'm starting to actually think about this adoption again. I've been sort of detached from it for awhile now. That excitement I felt when I was paperchasing and newly logged in is starting to resurface. The motivation to prepare for Mia's arrival is back. I've started to clear out the nursery. It's my next big decorating project. I've decided on bedding and will finally get some of that fabric I bought 3 yrs ago out so it can be transformed into crib bumpers and dust ruffles and window treatments and stuff. That's gonna be fun! I realized I probably need to start looking into my childcare options this summer since so many places have waiting lists. I even cleaned out the linen closet and organized it last weekend. I guess I'm nesting a bit.

But bad because it's awakened the shopping monster that has lain mostly dormant for a year or more. And whoever invented E*bay and online shopping is either a genius or a monster. I haven't decided which. Cuz I love how convenient it is to just get things with the click of a button and they magically appear a few days later on my doorstep. But I hate when the credit card bill comes and I realize how much shopping I've actually done. LOL!

I'm okay though. I've been socking money away for 3 years. The adoption fees and travel expenses are already there. And it looks like I've got another 18 mths or so to keep socking it away. So I might as well enjoy myself a bit after busting my arse working 2 jobs for 3+ yrs. Do you hear me rationalizing my purchases a bit? LOL! My recent shopping may even require it's own post soon. I've gotten some majorly cool stuff and it's made me very happy. So maybe this should go more in the good category. :P

That hope is also kinda bad cuz I still have a long way to go in this. I'm afraid if I get too excited my heart will be hurt again when my referral keeps getting pushed further and further away. It's such complete irony that I can be closer to a referral than I've ever been and still further away as I've ever been. Does that make sense? Like being stuck on a treadmill. I just keep running but I don't ever get anywhere.

Well, at least I'm getting drunk next month. On a beach. With my girlfriends. So life is good.