Saturday, March 22, 2008

Feeling Better Now

And ready to move on. Last week was a little rough. Part of the problem was every day at work was extremely non-stop. I'm a detective. I get new complaints on my desk every day that require varying degrees of investigation. Sometimes it can be exhausting. I caught a case this week that required a lot of investigation, a lot of talking to witnesses, a couple days of hitting the streets to hunt down bad guys, and 5 different interrogations with hard core street thugs who lied, lied some more and then tried to spoon feed me a load of bullshit.

Well, let me tell you.....interrogation is hard work. It's a complete mind f*ck. My job basically is to try to get a criminal to tell on himself. In spite of all of his best efforts not to. And preferably without violating his constitutional rights. It ain't easy. It requires serious concentration, listening to details, picking up body language, looking for physical signs of deception, role playing, asking the right questions, dissecting the story and picking it apart, etc, etc etc. And a lot of times I have to do this with people who are mean, hostile, yelling and just generally trying to intimidate me. I can't ever show weakness and I always have to be smarter than them. And it can physically and emotionally

On Tuesday, I was at it for several hours. Without lunch. And this was after trudging around for a couple hours that morning in the pouring rain, mud and muck hunting these guys. So I was not in a great mood by the time my social worker approached me for our chat. On Thursday, it was the same thing. A morning spent on the hunt with an afternoon of 5 hours in interrogations without a lunch break. I was tired, cranky and my brain was pretty much fried by the time I got the e-mail from her.

So I didn't handle things as well as I'd of liked with the social worker. I let things get to me that on any other day I may have been able to overlook. I was certainly a little extra sensitive this week. Oh and did I mention my full blown PMS. Yeah... that helped, too.

This whole gun conversation was just the last straw for me. Every frustration for the last 2 years of this process just poured out of my mouth. I had hit my breaking point. Luckily, my social worker is a very kind hearted and compassionate person. She understood what was behind my meltdown and was sympathetic about all of it. I just want to be clear on that. None of this conversation with her was mean, nasty, or condescending on her part. She just didn't share the same views that I do. And was having a hard time processing my explanations.

I've gotten some e-mail suggesting I should take down these posts for fear that my social worker might see it and it negatively impact my adoption process. I appreciate the concern. I do. And I understand the reasoning behind it.

But I'm not one to back down from my beliefs. For me, my personal code of ethics means that I stand behind what I say. Whether it's good OR bad. I take responsibility for my words and actions. If I said it, I own it. And I'm not above taking a step back, getting some perspective and apologizing if I'm wrong. I'm a big enough person to admit my mistakes. But writing these posts is not one of them.

First of all, my social worker shouldn't see any of it because she doesn't know about the blog. Someone would have to go out of their way to contact her and point her in the right direction. I certainly hope that no one is that concerned with my life to do that. But I'm not naive enough to think that hasn't happened to other bloggers. I know it has. And it's sad. For a person to make such an effort to hurt someone else. Cuz that's the only purpose it'd serve. To hurt me with the hopes of killing my adoption, I guess? And to hurt my social worker's feelings cuz I admittedly was pretty pissed when I wrote this stuff.

But more importantly, I don't feel the need to take it down because I said damn near everything written here to my social worker's face. She knows how I feel. She knows that I'm a passionate person. Whether I'm angry or ecstatic. And that I'm honest and tell it like it is.

But no... I didn't cuss my way through my conversation with her out of respect. And no I didn't tell her that she has no common sense...not in that direct of a statement anyway. I did tell her at one point during our exchange "that common sense needs to prevail here". And no... I didn't tell her to kiss my ass... although at that moment I wanted to. LOL! But I stand behind what I wrote nonetheless.

This is my blog. It's my place to vent if I need to. And that's what I did this week. Thanks for the show of support. That felt good. But as one commenter suggested, I am surprised I got no "anti-gun" comments. Cuz I expected some. But what everyone needs to understand is the reason I have a gun is because it's part of the career that I have chosen. No more, no less.

This wasn't even about the gun really. Certainly not about preaching about my right to bear arms or anything. It was simply the fact that I had hit my breaking point with this process. The gun conversation was just the catalyst for it.

I was (and still am) sick and tired of the scrutiny and the judgement. I'm sick and tired of my decision to become a parent being placed in someone else's hands. I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm not in control of my own choices. I'm sick and tired of feeling like I have to pass a bunch of tests for someone else to decide if I'm allowed to be a mom. And I'm being put through the ringer simply because I chose adoption. I'm beginning to think if I'd decided to get pregnant and give birth to a child, it would've been much easier. Certainly, it would've been faster. LOL!

But I'm not going to change my course. I won't give up. I'll keep on going. No matter how hard it gets. Even when I've had enough. In the end, my daughter will be worth all the struggle. Because the one thing I now know for sure is that my daughter was never meant to come from my body. I was led down this path because she's in China. Corny to say.... but that's my destiny.

Moving on now to a better, more positive week ahead. I hope.


Mamacita said...

Great post. Very honest and full of conviction. That said, I am an anti-gun person. I feel that your social worker acted responsibly.

BUT I also feel that you should have bold-faced lied and saved yourself a whole heap of anger, trouble and frustration. I don't know you in person, but I am 100% convinced that you are responsible with your firearms. I also know that if you and I lived next to each other and I knew that you had a loaded gun in your home, my kid would not play at your house. That's just my opinion (and perhaps paranoia) on the subject. But I would tell you to your face why. And it wouldn't change the fact that I admire your job, your conviction and your choices. Its just that mine would be different.

Speaking of social workers, I had to lie and say that I'm adopting due to infertility. That's B.S. We adopted because we knew that we could undeniably love outside our gene pool and biology did not matter to us. We wanted to adopt from day one of making the decision to have a child. Helping a child while building our family is what mattered to us. Our social worker knew the truth, but we were asked to lie on our paperwork. I completely understand your frustration with being scruitinized. I also feel that people should have a key that gets turned before procreation happens, only after they have gone through parenting classes and a full background check.

Krista, I'm glad you're in a better place. I admire your conviction and I appreciate your honesty, even if I don't agree with your personal choice to keep a loaded firearm in your house. I do worry about someone causing you a problem, so do be careful. You would not want to jeopardize your life with your dauther for anything. It would not be worth it.

Take care and enjoy your margarita!

Happy Easter!

amy said...

THanks so much for your honesty

Pug Mama said...

I'm right there with ya. We have a gun safe, so we didn't catch any grief with our SW.
so who gave you more trouble this week - Baked Beans or Tylenol?

a Tonggu Momma said...

While there are many different views about a variety of issues, I do know that every adoptive parent struggles with the lack of privacy and the hoops we jump through to "prove" we will be adequate parents. It doesn't seem fair ... when we step back to look at the process, it makes logical sense ... but it never, ever seems fair. Why isn't EVERYONE required to do this? It's hard not to feel frustrated and insulted at least some of the time. Hugs to you ~

TBG Happenings said...

Glad that week is behind you...with a little help of your GIANT margarita:)

Tonggu Momma said it best I is hard not to feel frustrated and insulted with all the hoops we have to jump through to be parents.

Fun talking to you tonight....had to put Sophie in the car to get her to sleep. She was CRAZY wound up.

Have a great Easter and I will talk to you soon!

"M" said...

It was soooo not about the gun.... Ok, maybe a little bit about the gun, but your post really speaks volumes about what so much of us have been feeling about this process. Thanks for your honest.

I'm glad you are feeling better.

Daniella said...

Glad your feeling better.

sea star said...

There is something to be said about hard core honesty in a world where telling a few lies just doesn't seem to matter. This whole process is frustrating on so many different levels and being judged by so many different people and having our lives under a microscope is just enough to make a sane person crazy.

Now who wouldn't feel better after that big ass margarita?

Buckeyes & Eggrolls said...

Here's to a new week!

Liene said...

I wish more people would speak as they feel and think. That's one of the reasons I don't have a whole lot of friends because I'm blunt and honest and a lot of people just don't like it. Those that are my friends are either the same way or they just accept me for who I am.

I would love to watch you work. With my degree having a concentration in Social Sciences and haven taken a Criminal Sociology class that kind of sh*t you deal with on a daily basis just fascinates the hell out of me. It's probably why I'm addicted to all the Law & Order shows and Cold Case.

I'm sorry your social worker doesn't understand your position on your gun. I understand her belief in safety but you're not a moron that's going to leave it around for a child to mess with. You have to protect yourself in your line of work. Plain and simple.

Hope this week is better than last!

Fliss and Mike Adventures said...

I am glad you are feeling better now... we all need to vent... so vent away... take care and Happy Easter

Erica said...

I just don't get this lady. Why is it such a big deal to her...especially considering your career? I have a gun and I didn't hide it when I had my home study. I explained that I grew up around guns since childhood, have been using them for years (I lived in the country for most of my formative years) and I have taken gun safety courses.

It seems that this lady is pushing her own agenda. Of course, I'm sure if she ever needs help and calls the polic, she will be glad when they come WITH their guns.

Colleen said...

Rock on sista!! I love the honesty and oh...the marg!!

Sam said...

Sending good vibes your way! Hope this week is much better!!!

Noemi said...

I agree with everything said above. I just love your honesty and the fact that you CAN put it down on YOUR blog. Like Fliss said, every now and then we need to vent... Hope you had a wonderful Easter...


Shannon said...

Passionate posts. That paragrapha about the scrutiny and judgment got to me. The parents of my kids at school would never have gotten past signing up for a child and yet many of them have 3 or 4 and are 10 years younger than I am. Totally screwed up.