Feeling Better Now

And ready to move on. Last week was a little rough. Part of the problem was every day at work was extremely non-stop. I'm a detective. I get new complaints on my desk every day that require varying degrees of investigation. Sometimes it can be exhausting. I caught a case this week that required a lot of investigation, a lot of talking to witnesses, a couple days of hitting the streets to hunt down bad guys, and 5 different interrogations with hard core street thugs who lied, lied some more and then tried to spoon feed me a load of bullshit.

Well, let me tell you.....interrogation is hard work. It's a complete mind f*ck. My job basically is to try to get a criminal to tell on himself. In spite of all of his best efforts not to. And preferably without violating his constitutional rights. It ain't easy. It requires serious concentration, listening to details, picking up body language, looking for physical signs of deception, role playing, asking the right questions, dissecting the story and picking it apart, etc, etc etc. And a lot of times I have to do this with people who are mean, hostile, yelling and just generally trying to intimidate me. I can't ever show weakness and I always have to be smarter than them. And it can physically and emotionally
WEAR ME OUT.

On Tuesday, I was at it for several hours. Without lunch. And this was after trudging around for a couple hours that morning in the pouring rain, mud and muck hunting these guys. So I was not in a great mood by the time my social worker approached me for our chat. On Thursday, it was the same thing. A morning spent on the hunt with an afternoon of 5 hours in interrogations without a lunch break. I was tired, cranky and my brain was pretty much fried by the time I got the e-mail from her.

So I didn't handle things as well as I'd of liked with the social worker. I let things get to me that on any other day I may have been able to overlook. I was certainly a little extra sensitive this week. Oh and did I mention my full blown PMS. Yeah... that helped, too.

This whole gun conversation was just the last straw for me. Every frustration for the last 2 years of this process just poured out of my mouth. I had hit my breaking point. Luckily, my social worker is a very kind hearted and compassionate person. She understood what was behind my meltdown and was sympathetic about all of it. I just want to be clear on that. None of this conversation with her was mean, nasty, or condescending on her part. She just didn't share the same views that I do. And was having a hard time processing my explanations.

I've gotten some e-mail suggesting I should take down these posts for fear that my social worker might see it and it negatively impact my adoption process. I appreciate the concern. I do. And I understand the reasoning behind it.

But I'm not one to back down from my beliefs. For me, my personal code of ethics means that I stand behind what I say. Whether it's good OR bad. I take responsibility for my words and actions. If I said it, I own it. And I'm not above taking a step back, getting some perspective and apologizing if I'm wrong. I'm a big enough person to admit my mistakes. But writing these posts is not one of them.

First of all, my social worker shouldn't see any of it because she doesn't know about the blog. Someone would have to go out of their way to contact her and point her in the right direction. I certainly hope that no one is that concerned with my life to do that. But I'm not naive enough to think that hasn't happened to other bloggers. I know it has. And it's sad. For a person to make such an effort to hurt someone else. Cuz that's the only purpose it'd serve. To hurt me with the hopes of killing my adoption, I guess? And to hurt my social worker's feelings cuz I admittedly was pretty pissed when I wrote this stuff.

But more importantly, I don't feel the need to take it down because I said damn near everything written here to my social worker's face. She knows how I feel. She knows that I'm a passionate person. Whether I'm angry or ecstatic. And that I'm honest and tell it like it is.

But no... I didn't cuss my way through my conversation with her out of respect. And no I didn't tell her that she has no common sense...not in that direct of a statement anyway. I did tell her at one point during our exchange "that common sense needs to prevail here". And no... I didn't tell her to kiss my ass... although at that moment I wanted to. LOL! But I stand behind what I wrote nonetheless.

This is my blog. It's my place to vent if I need to. And that's what I did this week. Thanks for the show of support. That felt good. But as one commenter suggested, I am surprised I got no "anti-gun" comments. Cuz I expected some. But what everyone needs to understand is the reason I have a gun is because it's part of the career that I have chosen. No more, no less.

This wasn't even about the gun really. Certainly not about preaching about my right to bear arms or anything. It was simply the fact that I had hit my breaking point with this process. The gun conversation was just the catalyst for it.

I was (and still am) sick and tired of the scrutiny and the judgement. I'm sick and tired of my decision to become a parent being placed in someone else's hands. I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm not in control of my own choices. I'm sick and tired of feeling like I have to pass a bunch of tests for someone else to decide if I'm allowed to be a mom. And I'm being put through the ringer simply because I chose adoption. I'm beginning to think if I'd decided to get pregnant and give birth to a child, it would've been much easier. Certainly, it would've been faster. LOL!

But I'm not going to change my course. I won't give up. I'll keep on going. No matter how hard it gets. Even when I've had enough. In the end, my daughter will be worth all the struggle. Because the one thing I now know for sure is that my daughter was never meant to come from my body. I was led down this path because she's in China. Corny to say.... but that's my destiny.

Moving on now to a better, more positive week ahead. I hope.
:)