Sunday, May 16, 2010

All The Reasons May 2010 Sucks

This post could also be titled "Why I've Had A Headache For Several Weeks But Keep Blaming Allergies". Or "Dammit I Gained 5 Pounds". Or "Maybe That Was Too Bitchy". Or "I Really Need A Vacation." Or "Just Keep Smiling They'll Never Know".

I got more but let's just move on.

So I said to my brother yesterday that I can't wait for May to be over. It's been a busy, stressful, made of suck kind of month. Hence the lack of blog posting, reading and commenting. And the occasional bitchy mood if you've encountered me in real life. "Made of suck"... isn't that an awesome description? I can't take credit for it. Borrowed from a new blogger friend.

May of 2010 started with my brother's wedding. It was nice to see family and I was happy to see my brother make his own little family "official". But it was also a little stressful. Remember that mention of family? Not even gonna open this can of worms. Just take my word for it. There was a certain amount of suck associated with the event. I just hope the bride and groom didn't feel any ripple effects of it.

Then a couple days later I had to qualify. Which means shoot my gun for score. It's a job requirement. This always stresses me out. I know I can shoot. But I psyche myself out and get nervous. I literally wake up the morning of quals feeling sick to my stomach. I'm always so incredibly relieved when it's over and I've passed.

I'm a creature of habit so when my routine is off... then I'm off. I have a couple training classes this month. The training I appreciate if it's beneficial. Unfortunately, sometimes it's just a waste of time. But these training days tend to throw me off kilter because of the disruption in sameness my brain seems to handle easier.

Yes I see the irony in mentioning sameness, habit and routine when I'm about to bring a child into my life. Which will completely rock my world in both good and bad ways. My life will never be the same again. These facts are adding to the things swirling in my head. But that's a post of it's own probably.

I also have more than my normal amount of court this month. Important court stuff, I mean. A few "Motions to Suppress". Which is when the defense requests a hearing before a judge to try to get all your evidence thrown out. If they succeed, then the case tanks. For the stuff that has now become a routine part of my job (like Grand Jury or Preliminary Hearings), I prepare to testify by reading my supplemental report on the 5 minute walk to the court building. Yes... I am Just That Good. But for a MTS or a trial I actually have to study a little to keep my testimony straight. Plus I can always expect to get attacked on the stand by the defense attorney. That's their tactic. Try to make the case detective look like an idiot or a liar or corrupt or all of the above to help their guilty ass client fair better. I truly don't know how some of these people sleep at night. But that's a whole other story. Anyhoo... the point is stressful court appearances are making the month of May suck even more.

Let's throw in Mother's Day. Do I even need to explain why this day sucks? I haven't really decided whether it's a good thing or not that all my family and friends ignore me on this day. Do I even want them to try to acknowledge this commitment in my heart to a daughter that started over 5 freakin' Mother's Days ago? Aren't you pregnant as soon as you pee on a stick and get a positive? Then people recognize you as a mother-to-be. Isn't it the same when you sign a contract to adopt a child? But yet.... it's not. And it sucks. If there's still no kid next year we'll revisit this discussion. Thank goodness my online peeps get it. At least there's that.

My brother's in the middle of trying to renovate an office space to open a barber shop of his own. This will eventually be a good thing. But this month it's created a massive amount of stress on him. Which gets absorbed by me as well. I'm the oldest. It's always been my job to take care of my sister and brother. I wanna be able to help him more. I want other people to wanna help him more. I want this process to get done faster so he can get this place open for business this week like he hopes. June will be better but you guessed it...May sucks.

This month has also consisted of trying to work out details to move my mother to a different place. I can't even begin to explain why I think all of this may be creating an ulcer for me because she reads the blog and all of that would just upset her and create more stress for the family. (Sorry mom.) All I can say is...even during the last 4 years of this wait for my child I haven't wanted time to pass so strongly like I've wished away this month. Please let's just fast forward to June already.

Police memorial week always begins the onslaught of memories of this day as well. I mean why the hell not, right? My head is already in a pretty messed up place so why not add some more shit to the mix to keep it interesting.

May 2010 has been full of suck. Suck suck and more suck. I'm really looking forward to June for no other reason than May will be over. Then maybe I can breathe and this overwhelming urge to just pull the covers over my head will go away.

Just an added disclaimer that I'm a glass half full kinda girl. It physically pains me to bitch about my circumstances. I feel incredibly guilty... like I'm not being grateful for all the blessings in my life. Like somehow I'm not allowed to acknowledge my stress, the rough spots, the tough stuff. Because there's always someone who has it worse than me. Someone who can run over me with a steamroller of perspective in a second.

And that just sucks even more. Because even when I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders I don't feel like it's okay for me to admit it. WTF is that all about? Why do I not feel entitled to a bad day? Or a bad month for that matter? Why so much guilt over it? Just rhetorical questions. No need to answer.

Is it June yet?

22 comments:

wzgirl said...

May is halfway over - and June is on the horizon. You are almost in the clear, girl. No need to feel guilty b/c we all know that you are a "glass half full" kinda gal - but, DAMN, sometimes that glass gets REALLY full and, well, something's gotta give.

Here's hoping that the landslide is over...xoxo

Wendy said...

((Hugs)) to you my friend. I'm so sorry that this month has sucked for you. I pray that May finishes up fast. Wish away girl, wish away. It is okay.

Cheeseboy said...

Why is it that weddings always bring out the worst in families?

I want a job where I have to qualify. I need an excuse to relieve some stress. (Although the qualifying part might cause more stress)

Rhonda said...

You have every reason to bitch, and yes, May was full of suck for so many reasons. I hope June is a much better month for you.

Remember, keep the margaritas coming in August when I'm there. ;)

Anonymous said...

I boycotted Mother's Day this year.. I was really a rough day for me..

4 years tomorrow LID for Jasmine. Just when there is light at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel goes dark again..

Traci
LID May 18th, 2006

Carla said...

Hoping suck ass may is over soon. There are less days to the end than there were from the beginning. ;op

Michal said...

Just keep swimming....Just keep swimming.
Sometimes there is nothing to do but wade through the shit and suck and just, keep moving.

( By the way I am totally ripping you off on the "made of suck")

Maybe it's like in the Hobbit. You know when Bilbo climbs up the tree and they are almost our of the forest but he didn't climb high enough and he just happened to be in a small valley? Well, because of those two things, he thought there was no end to the forest. but if they had just kept walking and going, they would have made it out ok.
So just keep moving. That's all I have. Because at some point May will end. At some point a referral will come. At some point your faithfulness and strength will be rewarded.

Also just bitch and moan and let it out a bit.
that's ok. Trust me. I do it all of the time!

(yes I totally just used The Hobbit as a tool for emotional support. Geek much?)

Kelli said...

I think you have every right to bitch. Really. I hope the rest of May flies by for you!

Half Gaelic, Half Garlic! said...

Sorry it has been such a "sucky" month..... June will be here before you know it. Maybe you should plug in the blender and make some margaritas to help ease the pain....... I know that helps me:)

Hope things get better for you girl!!

Lisa

~Kristen said...

Well I certainly hope the end of suck is near... June can't get here fast enough for me too!!

dawn said...

As "c" would have said...It sucks donkey balls!
Stand on tip toes, you can see june!

a Tonggu Momma said...

June is almost here. And that's all I'm saying. (((hugs)))

Sam said...

The past 6 months have sucked beyond all reason (Mark died, Marcia died, yada yada yada...). Hope things get better soon! BTW, tell your brother I'll bring Cullen in for a haircut as soon as we get paid! I can't believe that YOUR brother is the same one opening the barber shop here in town!!! Too funny! Let me know if you are coming to town to visit.

Sam

Suzie said...

I hear ya!! My May has also been "made of suck" and I'm ready for it to be over!!! Hang in there girl!

Shannon said...

Ridiculously sucky month for you- and yes, you are a glass half full gal so that's saying boatloads. Can we all agree to just flip the calendar to June? Sending some of Ellie's open mouth (still?) kisses to you. Hugs.
word verification is down box- hmmmmmm

Marla said...

Sorry girl, thankfully, there's only a week left so hopefully you're seeing the light at the end of the tunnel by now. Hope June rocks your socks to make up for May. :) Made of suck...I like that.

Take care!

Annie said...

Tomorrow is June! Hope you see a dramatic improvement over May starting tomorrow!

Dee said...

Its June!!! congrats you made it!

Donna said...

Hooray! June!

:)

Donna

k1 said...

As others have said, It's June now.

Kristy said...

Well!!!!! You have alot on your plate and your are more than entitled to vent about it! I just said a prayer for you and I just know June is going to be better!!

Love and blessings, Kristy

Coley - giving it our all said...

Yay June!! I hope you get the restart you're looking for this month. :-)