This post could also be titled "Why I've Had A Headache For Several Weeks But Keep Blaming Allergies". Or "Dammit I Gained 5 Pounds". Or "Maybe That Was Too Bitchy". Or "I Really Need A Vacation." Or "Just Keep Smiling They'll Never Know".
I got more but let's just move on.
So I said to my brother yesterday that I can't wait for May to be over. It's been a busy, stressful, made of suck kind of month. Hence the lack of blog posting, reading and commenting. And the occasional bitchy mood if you've encountered me in real life. "Made of suck"... isn't that an awesome description? I can't take credit for it. Borrowed from a new blogger friend.
May of 2010 started with my brother's wedding. It was nice to see family and I was happy to see my brother make his own little family "official". But it was also a little stressful. Remember that mention of family? Not even gonna open this can of worms. Just take my word for it. There was a certain amount of suck associated with the event. I just hope the bride and groom didn't feel any ripple effects of it.
Then a couple days later I had to qualify. Which means shoot my gun for score. It's a job requirement. This always stresses me out. I know I can shoot. But I psyche myself out and get nervous. I literally wake up the morning of quals feeling sick to my stomach. I'm always so incredibly relieved when it's over and I've passed.
I'm a creature of habit so when my routine is off... then I'm off. I have a couple training classes this month. The training I appreciate if it's beneficial. Unfortunately, sometimes it's just a waste of time. But these training days tend to throw me off kilter because of the disruption in sameness my brain seems to handle easier.
Yes I see the irony in mentioning sameness, habit and routine when I'm about to bring a child into my life. Which will completely rock my world in both good and bad ways. My life will never be the same again. These facts are adding to the things swirling in my head. But that's a post of it's own probably.
I also have more than my normal amount of court this month. Important court stuff, I mean. A few "Motions to Suppress". Which is when the defense requests a hearing before a judge to try to get all your evidence thrown out. If they succeed, then the case tanks. For the stuff that has now become a routine part of my job (like Grand Jury or Preliminary Hearings), I prepare to testify by reading my supplemental report on the 5 minute walk to the court building. Yes... I am Just That Good. But for a MTS or a trial I actually have to study a little to keep my testimony straight. Plus I can always expect to get attacked on the stand by the defense attorney. That's their tactic. Try to make the case detective look like an idiot or a liar or corrupt or all of the above to help their guilty ass client fair better. I truly don't know how some of these people sleep at night. But that's a whole other story. Anyhoo... the point is stressful court appearances are making the month of May suck even more.
Let's throw in Mother's Day. Do I even need to explain why this day sucks? I haven't really decided whether it's a good thing or not that all my family and friends ignore me on this day. Do I even want them to try to acknowledge this commitment in my heart to a daughter that started over 5 freakin' Mother's Days ago? Aren't you pregnant as soon as you pee on a stick and get a positive? Then people recognize you as a mother-to-be. Isn't it the same when you sign a contract to adopt a child? But yet.... it's not. And it sucks. If there's still no kid next year we'll revisit this discussion. Thank goodness my online peeps get it. At least there's that.
My brother's in the middle of trying to renovate an office space to open a barber shop of his own. This will eventually be a good thing. But this month it's created a massive amount of stress on him. Which gets absorbed by me as well. I'm the oldest. It's always been my job to take care of my sister and brother. I wanna be able to help him more. I want other people to wanna help him more. I want this process to get done faster so he can get this place open for business this week like he hopes. June will be better but you guessed it...May sucks.
This month has also consisted of trying to work out details to move my mother to a different place. I can't even begin to explain why I think all of this may be creating an ulcer for me because she reads the blog and all of that would just upset her and create more stress for the family. (Sorry mom.) All I can say is...even during the last 4 years of this wait for my child I haven't wanted time to pass so strongly like I've wished away this month. Please let's just fast forward to June already.
Police memorial week always begins the onslaught of memories of this day as well. I mean why the hell not, right? My head is already in a pretty messed up place so why not add some more shit to the mix to keep it interesting.
May 2010 has been full of suck. Suck suck and more suck. I'm really looking forward to June for no other reason than May will be over. Then maybe I can breathe and this overwhelming urge to just pull the covers over my head will go away.
Just an added disclaimer that I'm a glass half full kinda girl. It physically pains me to bitch about my circumstances. I feel incredibly guilty... like I'm not being grateful for all the blessings in my life. Like somehow I'm not allowed to acknowledge my stress, the rough spots, the tough stuff. Because there's always someone who has it worse than me. Someone who can run over me with a steamroller of perspective in a second.
And that just sucks even more. Because even when I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders I don't feel like it's okay for me to admit it. WTF is that all about? Why do I not feel entitled to a bad day? Or a bad month for that matter? Why so much guilt over it? Just rhetorical questions. No need to answer.
Is it June yet?