Friday, February 06, 2009

Just A Normal Work Day.....

if you work in some type of parallel universe like I do. This is exactly what I said to a co-worker last week after a particularly odd encounter. And it's true. My work life can be pretty outrageous and hysterical on occasion. If all my friends with normal lives could go to work with me for a couple days, it would totally blow their minds. Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in the middle of some crazy cartoon. Because I can't even begin to explain some of the unusual things I see in my job. Weird people. Doing weird things. In weird situations. Just plain weird stuff.

I don't think there's any way to properly explain this particular incident so that you'd be able to visualize exactly what happened. But I'm gonna try. Just cuz I walked out of this guy's house scratching my head saying "Did I really just experience that? Or did somebody sneak some funny mushrooms on to my pizza? I wish my friends could just get a little glimpse into the crazy that I just saw."

To set the stage, myself and another female detective go out to a guy's house to question him about a burglary. I wasn't quite sure if he was a suspect or a witness at this point. But we were gonna approach it like he was a witness just to see what he had to say and to see what kind of read we got on him.

He answers the door, after several minutes of knocking, without a shirt on and zipping his pants. Okay... whatever. Not so strange yet. But you have to try to picture him. He has this wild and crazy hair that just sticks up all over the place. Kind of like this photo. But he didn't style it that way purposely. It's just because there's no telling how long it's been since he washed or combed it.
After about 20 seconds of conversation, we realize this guy is a nut. Total and complete loon. And to make it an even better scenario he's a crack_head on top of that. But he says he's been clean for 3 days..... which only means he's geeking and really in need of a fix. So he's all over the place.

Because most of you don't have experience with crack_heads (let's hope) it's like this.... their eyes are usually all bugged out, they're fidgety, can't sit still, changing positions in the chair constantly, very extreme with the body movements. You know how some people talk with their hands? Well, they tend to talk with their whole arms. And sometimes throw the shoulders in there, too. LOL!

So picture that.... crazy wild hair guy, constant movement, eyes bugging out. That alone was interesting enough. But still a fairly normal day's work for me.

Then as we're talking to him, he suddenly starts wiping his mouth like he has BBQ sauce all over it or something. He covers his mouth with his hand and says "Oh sorry. Oh excuse me. Sorry about that. But I guess it's just natural." The other detective said later she was thinking in that moment that maybe he meant his breath was offensive. I didn't really think anything of it cuz I guess I'm so used to crazy talk it just doesn't faze me anymore. But in the next second as he's still wiping and apologizing, he points to the bedroom door and says "When you knocked I was....."

Now here's where I can't even begin to explain what he did. The only thing to do is demonstrate. But since I'm on the other side of the computer screen I can't. So I did the next best thing. I went to U-tube and searched for a video. You have no idea what kind of things I found in this search.... but that's a story for another day. LOL!

Anyway .... you gotta picture it. Wild crazy haired guy, no shirt, eyes bugging out, fidgeting all over the place, wiping his mouth off and he says "when you knocked I was...." and he does the same thing these drunk girls in the video are doing. Sound effects and all.

(Be warned if you're easily offended you probably shouldn't click on a video that has the caption "va-gina".)

I just stood there with a glazed over look on my face. Trying really hard not to laugh. The other detective couldn't control herself and just blurted out "OMG!" in a very disgusted tone. The rest of the conversation went about as well as it began. There was talk of "clown shoes" that someone left in his house. But only one.... not both of them. He showed it to us. I was expecting something interesting... but it was just a small man's shoe. Damn. Then he demonstrated to us how the motion sensor on the wall is actually a recording device planted there to spy on him. When the red light comes on it means someone is listening. Seriously. This truly was our conversation.

Then his wife finally made an appearance from the bedroom. You know, the one he was.... uh... doing "you know what" to a few minutes ago. And she was not at all what we expected. She was about 300 lbs and at least 65 years old. With no bra on and a very thin white tee shirt. Yikes... that was scary in and of itself. Crazy guy was about 40. He must like older gals.

After we were thoroughly amused and slightly disgusted, the other detective and I bid farewell and walked out to the car. Where we both looked at each other in disbelief and said "Did that really just happen?" which opened up this big conversation about how our normal friends would never ever be able to relate to the things we deal with in this parallel universe we work in.

So how did work go today for you? LOL!


Diana said...

OMG..I am still laughing!!
That is pretty darn funny!!!

a Tonggu Momma said...

I'm too scared to watch the video. You know I totally wanted to, but I'm way too scared.

(I'm sure this comes as a huge surprise.)

PIPO said...

Yeah, and then that chick comes to me to find out what up with her STD...just two sides of the same coin, sista!

Lovely, eh :0)

Half Gaelic, Half Garlic! said...

That is so funny!! Your job certainly is much more entertaining than mine never know what you are walking into, do ya!!

Carla said...

You know, I meet some intersting folks in my line of work too. But that just, that just... uh, I don't even have the words.

A Beautiful Mess said...

When you said that he made a "gesture" to tell you what he was doing...why did I know what he did???

You job is interesting to say the least....and kind of yucky too! the best way I can describe how I feel at the moment!

Noemi said...

Holy Crap! I am still laughing! Yeah I will never complain of my boring meeting at work again!

Anonymous said...

Just another day at the office.

So was he a witness or a suspect?

Briana's Mom said...

I am laughing! Officially grossed out too but laughing!

thegreybullet said...

OMG. No boring meetings for you! Makes for some very interesting encounters.

Isabella's Mommy and Daddy said...

I can't imagine what you see and hear on a daily basis..
But keeps life interesting..
Have a great Weekend..

3D said...

Shudder...your day was certainly weirder then mine!

Thanks for the laugh!

Keep smilin!

Kayce said...

Video's gone, but I can only imagine what it was...OMG! Yes you do have a great job! I share your stories with my step-daughter all the time. She appreciated your comment about her future...Thanks!

Donna said...

YOur job is never boring...that's for sure!

Ava's family said...

I'm so happy to sit all alone in my office with the door closed (so that nobody knows I bring two dogs to work with me).....I can't handle the public anymore. It's freaky out there!

Kristy said...

You crack me up!!!!! I am sure you and I could share some pretty ridiculous stories, I worked in the OR for a long time and when you take call on the weekends, you would just not believe some of the things we would have to take "care" of!!! Just unbelievable!!!

Have a great weekend, Kristy

OziMum said...

Yes, you walked into the "twilight zone", where all kinds of funkiness happens!!!

We're in the security/protection industry... we've seen some pretty funky sh!t too!!! But people on drugs, definitely take the cake. I hate dealing with them... they're so unpredictable. One of our staff was helping a druggie chick the other day, druggie's boyfriend freaked out, kicked our staff member - now she's got a broken hip.

Kristen said...

Well mine was certainly not that CRAZY!!! ROFL!!

Hope today was just as comical :o)

C said...

Hell Yes, that is tooooo funny/crazy for words. K, I was thinking initially, I see some crazy things at work. YOU WIN!!! My days are calm compared to these type of scenerios. Hehehehe. Thanks for sharing. :)

Michal said...

So ummm okay- you typed vagina first okay? Remeber that. Listen, once upon a time I was a nurse. I can not begin to tell you how much we feel the same way- only another nurse could understand the weird shit that we see and do and see come out of people and.... you get the picture. One day, if we ever meet, I will tell you the story of the "smelliest vagina in the history of the human race". That's a promise my friend! and it will make your sloppy faced, clown shoe psycho seem like well, something that doesn't at least, smell so bad after all.

kris said...

i gotta say i'm glad i've been enjoying a 3 day weekend since friday.

holy moly.

Traci said...

Nurse here too. I think there should be a big nurse and cop fest where we get to share stories. I'm not worried about who would win or lose (although this is a great story!) but we could certainly entertain each other!

78 year old man needing surgery to remove a bottle from his rectum. While prepping him for surgery he said, "I've never had trouble getting it out before." True story!

Oh, and my day was had playing pretend with Jaden. Your day tops mine by a long shot! ;-)


Liene said...

I'm laughing. When you mentioned it the first thing I thought about was there was a movie where a really old woman did the same thing (Kingpin, I think).

I don't know how you do it. I wouldn't have been able to contain myself. I would've had to excuse myself from the room and have a good laugh fest with tears streaming. I guess he couldn't think of saying that he was engaging in oral sex. That would've been too easy.

I guess when you're a crack smoker, your not too concerned about age or looks. Just as long as she's got a va-jay-jay between her legs, it's all good. Gotta love white trash.

Elowyn said...

Ah, the overlaps between the police and emergency department clientele... :)

As we like to say, there's a lid for every pot. Shudder.

Love the work stories!

Made in China said...

Well, at least your job is entertaining!

Colleen said...

OMG I am laughing so hard!!!! Too funny!!! Well since I am a stay at home mom my day was no way as interesting as yours LOL OMG I may be laughing all night.
By the way, I know now to never sip my drink while reading your blog...I spewed my tea all over my keyboard LOL

~ Alison n' Mali~ said...

I got all the way down to the video & was 'forbidden' since I'm at work - TEASER!!! I'll have to wait till I get home now.

State FCAT testing today - just as crazy here. The behavior of the crack_head u described is eerily similar to a few kids on my caseload . . . one was arrested. He really was out of control, but there's something about watching a kid ride away in the back of a cop car that just strikes me as so sad.

Then one of our teachers went out in an ambulance, sharp chest pains. The principal was running around crazy with those defrib paddle thingies. Don't think they used them. Second teacher this week to go down. They're killing us slowly over here.

It is a full moon tnite - or very close to it.

Thanks for the laugh =)