if you work in some type of parallel universe like I do. This is exactly what I said to a co-worker last week after a particularly odd encounter. And it's true. My work life can be pretty outrageous and hysterical on occasion. If all my friends with normal lives could go to work with me for a couple days, it would totally blow their minds. Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in the middle of some crazy cartoon. Because I can't even begin to explain some of the unusual things I see in my job. Weird people. Doing weird things. In weird situations. Just plain weird stuff.
I don't think there's any way to properly explain this particular incident so that you'd be able to visualize exactly what happened. But I'm gonna try. Just cuz I walked out of this guy's house scratching my head saying "Did I really just experience that? Or did somebody sneak some funny mushrooms on to my pizza? I wish my friends could just get a little glimpse into the crazy that I just saw."
To set the stage, myself and another female detective go out to a guy's house to question him about a burglary. I wasn't quite sure if he was a suspect or a witness at this point. But we were gonna approach it like he was a witness just to see what he had to say and to see what kind of read we got on him.
He answers the door, after several minutes of knocking, without a shirt on and zipping his pants. Okay... whatever. Not so strange yet. But you have to try to picture him. He has this wild and crazy hair that just sticks up all over the place. Kind of like this photo. But he didn't style it that way purposely. It's just because there's no telling how long it's been since he washed or combed it.
After about 20 seconds of conversation, we realize this guy is a nut. Total and complete loon. And to make it an even better scenario he's a crack_head on top of that. But he says he's been clean for 3 days..... which only means he's geeking and really in need of a fix. So he's all over the place.
Because most of you don't have experience with crack_heads (let's hope) it's like this.... their eyes are usually all bugged out, they're fidgety, can't sit still, changing positions in the chair constantly, very extreme with the body movements. You know how some people talk with their hands? Well, they tend to talk with their whole arms. And sometimes throw the shoulders in there, too. LOL!
So picture that.... crazy wild hair guy, constant movement, eyes bugging out. That alone was interesting enough. But still a fairly normal day's work for me.
Then as we're talking to him, he suddenly starts wiping his mouth like he has BBQ sauce all over it or something. He covers his mouth with his hand and says "Oh sorry. Oh excuse me. Sorry about that. But I guess it's just natural." The other detective said later she was thinking in that moment that maybe he meant his breath was offensive. I didn't really think anything of it cuz I guess I'm so used to crazy talk it just doesn't faze me anymore. But in the next second as he's still wiping and apologizing, he points to the bedroom door and says "When you knocked I was....."
Now here's where I can't even begin to explain what he did. The only thing to do is demonstrate. But since I'm on the other side of the computer screen I can't. So I did the next best thing. I went to U-tube and searched for a video. You have no idea what kind of things I found in this search.... but that's a story for another day. LOL!
Anyway .... you gotta picture it. Wild crazy haired guy, no shirt, eyes bugging out, fidgeting all over the place, wiping his mouth off and he says "when you knocked I was...." and he does the same thing these drunk girls in the video are doing. Sound effects and all.
(Be warned if you're easily offended you probably shouldn't click on a video that has the caption "va-gina".)
I just stood there with a glazed over look on my face. Trying really hard not to laugh. The other detective couldn't control herself and just blurted out "OMG!" in a very disgusted tone. The rest of the conversation went about as well as it began. There was talk of "clown shoes" that someone left in his house. But only one.... not both of them. He showed it to us. I was expecting something interesting... but it was just a small man's shoe. Damn. Then he demonstrated to us how the motion sensor on the wall is actually a recording device planted there to spy on him. When the red light comes on it means someone is listening. Seriously. This truly was our conversation.
Then his wife finally made an appearance from the bedroom. You know, the one he was.... uh... doing "you know what" to a few minutes ago. And she was not at all what we expected. She was about 300 lbs and at least 65 years old. With no bra on and a very thin white tee shirt. Yikes... that was scary in and of itself. Crazy guy was about 40. He must like older gals.
After we were thoroughly amused and slightly disgusted, the other detective and I bid farewell and walked out to the car. Where we both looked at each other in disbelief and said "Did that really just happen?" which opened up this big conversation about how our normal friends would never ever be able to relate to the things we deal with in this parallel universe we work in.
So how did work go today for you? LOL!