Alone. I'm not a mom yet. And have no idea when I will be.
Then the word over at RQ about an anonymous agency getting referrals ahead of others is not sitting well with me. Part of me wants to scream that this is completely unfair. One of the reasons we all chose China was for the predictable, reliable process. We knew we were in a line and would get a referral when it was our turn. Now people are cutting the line. Not fair.
I count on that line. I need some kind of order to this process. I need to know how to plan my life, my vacation time from work, my budget. As best I can anyway. If this is going to just become some random unpredictable process where we have no idea when we'll get The Call, I'll go even crazier. Can you imagine living on the edge of your seat every day like that? I really don't think that'll happen though. It sounds like just one agency who is being given preferential treatment for some unknown reason.
Wish I'd signed up with that one.....
Reading the comments at RQ, I had a very strong sense of people not wanting to rock the boat. They don't want to speak up and protest for fear that this will make the line even longer. Or it will piss China off and they'll close completely. I'm normally the type of person to fight for what I believe in. For what I feel is right. But I have to say, I'm leaning towards not rocking the boat either. I feel completely held hostage by this process. I don't want anything to jeopardize bringing my daughter home. I can't even imagine how I'd handle it if this all fell apart. Mia is already a part of me. I can't imagine losing her. And it pisses me off that I just have to sit back and take whatever gets dished out because I'm afraid. When I chose this process with China, I knew that I'd have a baby at the end of it. No matter how long it might take. I trusted that. I put my faith in that. I believed it with all my heart.
But now... I'm starting to get a little scared.