Monday, September 24, 2007

Feeling Blue

I've been down lately. I know we all go through it. Although I've made peace with The Wait for the most part, I still hit a slump every now and again. I'm just feeling a little lost and sad the last few days. I think spending a week in Mexico with two adorable little girls has helped to put me a little out of sorts, too. It was harder than I thought it'd be to return home to real life.
Alone. I'm not a mom yet. And have no idea when I will be.

Then the word over at RQ about an anonymous agency getting referrals ahead of others is not sitting well with me. Part of me wants to scream that this is completely unfair. One of the reasons we all chose China was for the predictable, reliable process. We knew we were in a line and would get a referral when it was our turn. Now people are cutting the line. Not fair.

I count on that line. I need some kind of order to this process. I need to know how to plan my life, my vacation time from work, my budget. As best I can anyway. If this is going to just become some random unpredictable process where we have no idea when we'll get The Call, I'll go even crazier. Can you imagine living on the edge of your seat every day like that? I really don't think that'll happen though. It sounds like just one agency who is being given preferential treatment for some unknown reason.
Wish I'd signed up with that one.....

The thing that's really bothering me about it is the secrecy. Apparently this agency was mentioned in some posts on one of the Ya*hoo groups, but then the posts disappeared. Makes me wonder what's going on. Some are saying that when clients sign on with this agency they're told to keep things hush hush. I've seen the words corruption and ethics mentioned several times in reference to this whole thing. I can't form an opinion one way or the other without more information. But I know I don't like this. It just seems off to me. And I don't like the way it's making me feel.

Reading the comments at RQ, I had a very strong sense of people not wanting to rock the boat. They don't want to speak up and protest for fear that this will make the line even longer. Or it will piss China off and they'll close completely. I'm normally the type of person to fight for what I believe in. For what I feel is right. But I have to say, I'm leaning towards not rocking the boat either. I feel completely held hostage by this process. I don't want anything to jeopardize bringing my daughter home. I can't even imagine how I'd handle it if this all fell apart. Mia is already a part of me. I can't imagine losing her. And it pisses me off that I just have to sit back and take whatever gets dished out because I'm afraid.

When I chose this process with China, I knew that I'd have a baby at the end of it. No matter how long it might take. I trusted that. I put my faith in that. I believed it with all my heart.

But now... I'm starting to get a little scared.

32 comments:

Kathy and Joel said...

K.,
I have no words for you tonight other than to tell you that you are not alone in all your fears and anxiousness. I am so uncomfortable with what is going on as well and I wish it wasn't happening. Hold on to your Mia thoughts.

M3 said...

I know that fear well... And I'm sorry it's gripping you right now. I was the same way in at least counting on fairness (when speed and communication were completely lacking) during the adoption wait. I don't know anything about the mystery agency and the out-of-order referrals, but I hope it's just some type of anomaly or miscommunication or something. Again, so sorry, sending big hugs.

Sandra said...

Oh Krista, I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say. Things were so different during our two adoptions and I can't even imagine what all this is doing to you emotionally. Sending you big, big hugs...

JoAnn in NJ said...

Hi Kristen,
I am so sorry that you're feeling blue for the moment. I truly hope this feeling passes quickly and you can find comfort in your real life and bloggy pals.

The wait for Kelsey was the hardest thing I've ever done and I thought I'd lose my mind (we were at the beginning of the slow-down with an May 2005 LID, and it was one year exactly from DTC to coming home with our daughter.

But China is working its way towards Mia...I know much slower than anyone wants...the wait sucks...nothing I can say or advice I can offer will make it any less suck-y.

I still read RQ, I find myself drawn to the events in China...I want to be able to give Kelsey the whole picture as much as I can.

I would have been aggrevated at the "American Agency with faster referrals" too. I think you are smart not to rock the boat, there isn't much you can do anyway and I know people who have gotten into "trouble" with their agency for being too upset.

To take my mind off our wait, I started my Master's and got halfway through and also joined local support groups and volunteered for quite a few things. I was very active and it helped. It's not assvice, but it worked for me.

Please know my thoughts are with you.

Doris & Dan said...

Girl, you are not alone in those fears and feelings. We gotta hang in and even though it sucks right now, we have to. You will make it and it will be better then you ever thought.

Empty words when your heart is hurting. Go give Griffey a hug and grab a 'rita. Hugs!

Keep smilin!

crazylady said...

Try and ride the wave. You get splashed, and sometimes feel like you're drowning, and on some days you're floating on a cruiseship.
The BTDT's have survived and hopefully reading us will keep you inspired. That is why we bond after adoption too. Unless you have lived it, you cannot begin to understand its magnitude.
Chin up, and drink up from the Bubba cup. YES I CLEARLY recall the Bubba Keg. Was going to mention it in my post actually. You will find it will come in handy for your remaining wait.
May referral come before cirrhosis.

Daniella said...

You have descrbed exactly how I have been feeling the last few days since seeing this new rumor. I'm just sick about it. I called my agency and there's nothing they can say - they say they don't know. They also reminded me the wait can and probably will get longer. How I wish I knew how long- This is the first time in the process I've felt scared that this may not happen for us and the first time I'm questioning how much I/we can take. I know I will wait as long as it takes but today it just feels like a distant dream that may never become real. Sorry for rambling - here's to waiting together :)

eggrolls and chopsticks said...

Sometimes I wish someone would rock the obat just so that we could have some answers.( don't you do it though).
Falling down on your long wait is allowed you know but getting back up is mandatory.

Mia is tangled in the red thread but she will be home as soon as she can get to you.

Hang in there. We are all on this rickety old row boat together.

Sarah said...

Krista -
I can't pretend to understand what you're going through with this seemingly unending wait. What I do know, though, is that we are all stronger than we ever think possible when we really need to be. I know you will rise above this, you will find balance in your life again, and you will have a wonderful and joyous reward when the wait is finally over. We're all in your corner and I wish you sunny skies again soon. Hugs to you.

"M" said...

Boy do I realate to everything you said. I, too, have been in a slump. It is so hard to keep beliving one thing (whether it is the length of the wait, the condition of the children, or the ethics of the process) and then always find out it is something else. That constant adapting and fear takes it's toll. Know you are not alone, my friend. We WILL meet our daughters and bring them home.

Mamacita said...

Man, Do I ever wish that I could find a reason to tell you that you were over-reacting. That you were wrong. Cheer up. But I'm afraid too.

kris said...

It isn't much comfort, I know, but I'm sitting with you in that boat, not rocking it. I'm sorry you are feeling so down. Wish I could be there to tip my head back and enjoy one of your expert alcoholic beverages...maybe watching me succeed in getting drunk would somehow cheer you up??

Seriously though, this is the first post I've read of yours that got me crying. I think because I am starting to feel those fears creeping up too. And I know how it felt once to lose a daughter, I'm not sure I could do that again... though I admit I'm not as invested as you are yet... because I've been too afraid to let myself go there.

I do know this, or trust this one thing. If we're already logged in, China won't deny us. So even if, IF the doors closed entirely, it would be like it was for us singles, a date would be set...

Hang in there. XOXO.

Norma said...

I, too, know the fear - like I am sure we all do at some time. I think I might get a referral with my agency's next WC batch but I thought I would last time and didn't. What if Bethany isn't on the next list (hopefuly before the end of Oct.)? It could be another 6 months til the next list! I know you probably don't expect a referral this year yet but it will come at the right time, when Mia is ready.

OziMum said...

((hugs)) SpecialK. I hear ya. I so know what you mean, about being at peace with the wait, then being sad about it!

The whole agency debarkle doesn't effect us, here in Oz - we only have one agency!!! Sometimes I don't R*Q. Sometimes, its more damaging to my "mental state" than just not knowing!

Mia will be home, one day. Not knowing when is a killa, but one day, the pain of the wait will be long gone.

Noemi said...

I am so sorry that you feel this way. Mia is out there just waiting for you to get her... You ARE closer than when you started. And like said above we are ALL in your corner routing for you....

redmaryjanes said...

I read RQ yesterday too. I believe that the situation is true with the 'mystery' agency. All I can say is whatever. My agency now won't allow anyone who hasn't made it through the review room to see the SN list. So I am watching families with LID's behind mine going to get their SN children and I can't even see the list.
This is a tough road. But we're going to make it.
So much of this sucks bad, but we both know that we have to keep going. We won't give up, we can't. I believe without a doubt that we will have our girls, I just can't even think about how long it's going to take.

Headmeister said...

You know, I waver between feeling totally ok and not phased by the wait, and the way you do right now.

I find that when I get to the place you're at, things get really dark and painful, and then I go and do something stupid like become obsessed with the thought of possibly trying to get pregnant, weighing the possibility of that even happening and what it would take to even accomplish that. THAT is when I'm at my darkest, and I can't even remember what I've done throughout my day because I'm in such a daze.

I do know where you're at my sweet friend, and there is nothing good about that place. I won't even try to coax you out of it because I know that something at some point in time will do it for you. But I will say that I am always here for you, thinking about you, thankful beyond belief that I have found you as a friend during this God-forsaken wait for our daughters, and I will always be there for you if you need me... even if it's just to hold your hair back while you puke up 'ritas at 4am :)

I'm so sorry you have found this place in your head, and I'm hoping that soon you'll find your way out. No one can know for sure what is happening with the CCAA, and unfortunately nor do we have any say in it either... so all we can do is try to live the best lives we can while we wait to bring our daughters home. And yes, that is much easier said than done...

Hugs to you my Magic Shell Missy. One day soon I'll come crash on your couch and we'll get hammered and bitch about it all together.

*smooch*

MotherMotherOcean said...

There was a comment on our agency's board today about a December person getting a referral yesterday. And of course, no one wrote back after they posted it.

I think it is unethical. I am really not thrilled with this development.

Princess Diaries said...

I'm so sorry. The wait is truely horrible. Big hugs coming your way.

Janet said...

I'm scared too.....if only we could DO something....

sea star said...

Amen to all of your feelings! I'm right there with you. You said it perfectly when you said, that you feel held hostage by this process...because we are.

I'm keeping the faith though, because that's all I can do.

Sending you a big fat thank you email.

Stacy said...

I know what it feels like. It sucks. I wish there was something I could say to help you feel better, but nothing really ever helps. I'm here if you need to chat, or we can go to that Mexican restaurant and get a margarita! :) I hope you know I care and you ARE NOT ALONE.

Ryan and I might be there on the 29th!! :) You will finally get to meet him. I'll e-mail you.

Colleen said...

I'm so sorry. I need to go over to RQ and see what the heck is going on that is making so many of my friends so sad.

I know you are scared and feel as tho you are held hostage. Hell - I felt that way, but its just gotten worse.

I promise to make you smile when you come here and we will have good food and cocktails. Hugs to you my friend.

Gail said...

I understand the blues.
I understand the anxiety of this wait.
I hate this Fear of the Unknown.
I hate sneaky secrecy.
I hate cheating.
I hate it all.
Just know that you are not alone.
We all need some good and happy news soon!!
Cyber Hugs.

Donna said...

You will have your baby...just hang onto that thought!

Elise said...

I know you are afraid...as many of us are, but she will be home with you soon! Big hugs!

Beverly said...

If it is happening that another agency is able to break lines then it does suck. Hang in there, you still will have your daughter at the end of the very sucky wait.

Beverly

Headmeister said...

I'm still there with ya on this one chickadee...

bbmomof2boys said...

Scared, mad, worried, happy, scared, mad, worried, happy, scared, scared, scared, scared

That pretty much sums me up

I hear ya

~Carla

Shannon said...

Thanks for writing this post. I feel this way too but couldn't express all the mixed up emotions. And so we wait.

Anonymous said...

Came across your blog. Your message was a powerful one. I understand everything you're feeling as we are waiting during this extremely long, painful journey to our little girl in China.

All we can do is wait but in the meantime - not forget to live.
It's so hard to do both.

Know that there are others that feel everything you've just written.

Take care,
Jenny

Kelli said...

wow....I guess there is something going on in bloggy land this week...I've been tuned out for a little while & just posted tonight on essentially the same thing, (the neverending wait & the resulting slump) and now as I read through all of my bloggy friends blogs I see the same sentiments echoed again and again...sorry K that you too are feeling down. Don't know what to say except I completely agree with the feelings of never-ending limbo...hopefully we'll all be out of this funk soon...