Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Crack is Whack

As a police detective, I see a lot of weird shit. Well, today something happened that will go down in my "Weird Shit Hall Of Fame". I thought y'all might enjoy a crazy little re-cap.

So this morning I'm interviewing an older crackhead woman. She'd been arrested on a warrant I'd issued because her baby daddy (yes that's a proper police term... sort of) alleged she kicked in his door and pointed a gun at him. Maybe she did. Maybe she didn't. Who really knows? But that's not the interesting part.

As we're sitting in the interrogation room, I first notice that she's missing several front teeth. Both upper and lower. But there are a couple still hanging on. I also realize that as she's talking she keeps putting her fist in front of her mouth. Like you do when you cough politely. I thought maybe she had some skanky crack breath and was trying to shield me from it. Which I appreciated greatly. But maybe she just had the foresight to realize what was to come next...

She becomes more and more agitated as we talk. She isn't happy about the accusations her baby daddy has made and is trying to convince me he's a liar. Well, as her agitation level increases her voice becomes louder, her words start coming faster. As she's rambling on and on and on, suddenly I hear this strange noise. "Phht"... and a tooth comes shooting out of her mouth.

I'll let you collect yourselves why you visualize that.....

Without missing a beat or even a pause in her sentence, she reaches up with lightening speed, grabs the tooth in mid-air, opens her fist to take a peek and shoves it into her pocket.

Hand to really happened.

I sit there in disbelief... just trying to process what I'd witnessed. I mean, her tooth didn't just fly outta her mouth, right? That just doesn't happen. No, no... I think it did. What else could it have been? She's an inmate in the jail. They don't give them gum. So it wasn't that.

These thoughts are floating through my head as she continues to talk. Which means her mouth is open. I manage to catch a glimpse inside and realize there is indeed one less tooth up top.

Maybe the tooth fairy will visit the jail tonight. That's the only reason I could fathom why in the world she would keep it. I mean, it's not like there's a dental plan for crackheads. Did she think somehow it could be reattached? Did she want to keep it as a souvenir?

I don't know what was weirder... the tooth flying out, that mid-air catch, or the fact that she stuck her own tooth in her pocket and acted like nothing even happened.

Told ya, Weird Shit Hall Of Fame fer shur.


Catherine said...

Wow! Weird for sure!

I don't think I'd have heard another word she said as my brain would be thinkin' 'Did that really just happen?'

Your job sure is anything but dull!

Colleen said...

"her baby daddy (yes that's a proper police term... sort of)"

"Maybe the tooth fairy will visit the jail tonight"

These quotes are great! :) And that story was so messed up!

Anonymous said...

We have some posters in our town that show a dirty bathroom and say " no one expects to lose their virginity in here. Meth is bad" or something like that. Say no to drugs, kids.

Marla said...

Yikes, that is positively frightening! But funny too.

GGHadden said...

crap...........I knew it was gonna make me laugh (and fall off the chair)but I read it anyways! And I thought we had the nasty part of the job.

Wish I was a fly on the wall to have seen your face.priceless.

Hedgetoad said...

Meth.. it rots the teeth and gums, so they fall out, amongst other gross effects. My students tell me similar stories.

I worked for a denture maker for a month one summer. He was constantly busy creating new teeth for the "recently" sober. Expanded to a branch office and had several very nice vehicles. Crime does pay for some.

Barbara said...

Ewwwwwwww - the mid-air catch is the BEST!

Wendy said...


Kayce said...

HA!! I love hearing stories from your job!

Johnny said...

Shiver in disgust and confusion.

Tis "whack"

Donna said...

Never a dull moment...

Well, mostly.


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