Thursday, December 25, 2008
A letter to my daughter on Christmas
Not a day has gone by since February 15, 2006 without thoughts of you. In fact, I've dreamed of being a mother for many, many years before that. But on that day, I began the journey to you.
I think of you often. I wonder when you'll be born. And where. I imagine what you'll look like, what your personality will be like. I dream of what it will feel like to see your face, look into your eyes, hold you in my arms. To finally be your mother.
I hope you let me rock you to sleep at night. At least for awhile. When you're ready, I'll teach you how to walk. But maybe you'll already know how. That's okay, too. I'll teach you your ABC's and how to count. I'll read you bedtime stories and tuck you in. I'll take you to the park and watch you laugh when I push you on the swing. In the winter, I'll introduce you to snow. And when you get big enough I'll take you around the corner to the big hill and teach you how to sled.
At Christmas time, we'll make cookies. Just like I have for so many years with your cousins. We'll drive around at night just to look at all the lights. I'll take you to the mall for your initiation into the traditional "photo op with Santa". I hope you don't cry... but it's alright if you do. We'll wear penguin pajamas and put out cookies for Santa. And Christmas morning will be noisy and crazy and chaotic.... after so many years of quiet.
I imagine you a little older..... as a teenager. Will you be an athlete? Or a bookworm? Maybe both? Will you borrow my jewelry? Will you tell me your secrets? Will you obey my curfew? Can I be your mother AND your friend like the wise 14 yr old, Peyton, advised me to? She told me to respect you and to always listen without judgement. That way you'll know you can always come to me with anything. I hope you will. I pray my love will lessen some of the hurts you'll have. And I pray that when it's time, I'll have the right words to explain your beginnings and how we came to be together.
I heard a song on the radio the other day about a mother on her daughter's wedding day. It made me cry. I can easily imagine you as a child. And knowing Peyton has opened up my imagination to think about what life will be like with you as a teenager. But I don't think I've ever really thought about you as a woman. Going off to college, maybe getting married, having children of your own some day. I hope that as you leave my nest we'll remain close. Maybe some day you'll even say that I'm your best friend. Then I'd know I'd done a really good job.
But for now, you're still just a dream in my heart. I hope that some day you'll understand just how much I've loved you all the years that I've waited for you. And I can't wait to know you. Because I'm sure I'll love you a million times more. Merry Christmas Mia bella ... my beautiful.