Pressing On

Now that I have this new, beautiful blog I need to make myself get back to posting, right? Well, I'm trying. But life sometimes gets in the way.

I've been very productive the last several days. Which is so unlike me. LOL! I don't know what happened but I've had this energy and drive I haven't felt for awhile.

Well, I know what's happened. I'm coming out of my funk.

My yard looks great because of it. Flowers blooming beautifully, deck and furniture cleaned up, lawn nicely manicured. I love it when the hard work is done and I can enjoy it.

I'm so in love with my yard that I invited a friend over on Tuesday for a cook out. The weather was perfect. Sunny and not too hot. We actually had to put sweatshirts on when the sun went down.

We made a fire in the fire pit and invited my awesome neighbors over for s'mores. My friend's daughter played with the neighbor's kids and they taught her how to catch lightning bugs.

As I sat in my beautiful yard, on a gorgeous sunny day, in my comfy chair, drinking my ice cold beer, listening to the kids laugh and play,
I looked at my friend and said "Life is good".

And it is again.

I just hope I can stay here in my happy, zen place this time. Right now I'm remembering how to live in the moment. And enjoy those moments. Instead of wishing the days away. Dreaming of what someday will be.

But it's hard. This wait is rough. I don't have to explain that to those of you living it, too. I also don't think I have to explain what it can do to alter your emotional well being.

The last couple of months have been especially difficult for me. I fell into a really dark place. Now that I'm getting past it and have some perspective, I can see some of the things that triggered it.

But the biggest influence was that I somehow let myself start to lose hope. For the first time since I signed that contract to start this adoption, I lost faith that the journey would end with my daughter.

I started to feel uneasy. I got scared. I started to doubt that I'd ever be a mother. And those thoughts knocked me on my ass. It wasn't pretty.

During this, I've had some wake up calls about who I can count on and who I can not. It was a hard lesson and not without hurt and disappointment.

But for those who stood in my corner the last month or so (and you know who you are), I thank you. Had it not been for that I may have ended up in a straight jacket by now.

The waiting and the not knowing is a struggle. And I'll be so glad when it's over. For the record, those who say "once she's in your arms you'll forget all about the wait"... they're wrong. I'll never forget this. Or how it has broken me more than once along the way.

But it's taught me a lot of lessons about myself, about strength, about patience. And I think it'll make me love and appreciate my daughter in a way even I didn't think was possible.

I hate the sad, depressed, hopeless feelings that have bulldozed me a few times already these last 2 years. I'm not the type of person who draws the blinds and pulls the covers over my head when things get rough. Normally.

But this process isn't like anything I've ever dealt with before and it's made me respond in ways I'm not used to. I think the biggest reason for that is the lack of control. It can make you crazy.

While I'm on the subject of this excruciating wait, why is it that I've hit the 2 year mark and so many people are trying to offer me alternate solutions? I know they're only trying to help, but I'm getting tired of the questions about why I'm not trying to "just get pregnant" or switching countries or adopting domestically.

I thought I answered all of those questions in the beginning of this process. But somehow the 2 year mark has caused them to resurface. Just frustrating.

Anyway....

Now I'm pressing on. Again. Hoping for my happy ending. Finding my faith. And trying hard to avoid that bulldozer as I continue to wait for my daughter.

Because she is coming. I believe it.