Thursday, June 19, 2008

Pressing On

Now that I have this new, beautiful blog I need to make myself get back to posting, right? Well, I'm trying. But life sometimes gets in the way.

I've been very productive the last several days. Which is so unlike me. LOL! I don't know what happened but I've had this energy and drive I haven't felt for awhile.

Well, I know what's happened. I'm coming out of my funk.

My yard looks great because of it. Flowers blooming beautifully, deck and furniture cleaned up, lawn nicely manicured. I love it when the hard work is done and I can enjoy it.

I'm so in love with my yard that I invited a friend over on Tuesday for a cook out. The weather was perfect. Sunny and not too hot. We actually had to put sweatshirts on when the sun went down.

We made a fire in the fire pit and invited my awesome neighbors over for s'mores. My friend's daughter played with the neighbor's kids and they taught her how to catch lightning bugs.

As I sat in my beautiful yard, on a gorgeous sunny day, in my comfy chair, drinking my ice cold beer, listening to the kids laugh and play,
I looked at my friend and said "Life is good".

And it is again.

I just hope I can stay here in my happy, zen place this time. Right now I'm remembering how to live in the moment. And enjoy those moments. Instead of wishing the days away. Dreaming of what someday will be.

But it's hard. This wait is rough. I don't have to explain that to those of you living it, too. I also don't think I have to explain what it can do to alter your emotional well being.

The last couple of months have been especially difficult for me. I fell into a really dark place. Now that I'm getting past it and have some perspective, I can see some of the things that triggered it.

But the biggest influence was that I somehow let myself start to lose hope. For the first time since I signed that contract to start this adoption, I lost faith that the journey would end with my daughter.

I started to feel uneasy. I got scared. I started to doubt that I'd ever be a mother. And those thoughts knocked me on my ass. It wasn't pretty.

During this, I've had some wake up calls about who I can count on and who I can not. It was a hard lesson and not without hurt and disappointment.

But for those who stood in my corner the last month or so (and you know who you are), I thank you. Had it not been for that I may have ended up in a straight jacket by now.

The waiting and the not knowing is a struggle. And I'll be so glad when it's over. For the record, those who say "once she's in your arms you'll forget all about the wait"... they're wrong. I'll never forget this. Or how it has broken me more than once along the way.

But it's taught me a lot of lessons about myself, about strength, about patience. And I think it'll make me love and appreciate my daughter in a way even I didn't think was possible.

I hate the sad, depressed, hopeless feelings that have bulldozed me a few times already these last 2 years. I'm not the type of person who draws the blinds and pulls the covers over my head when things get rough. Normally.

But this process isn't like anything I've ever dealt with before and it's made me respond in ways I'm not used to. I think the biggest reason for that is the lack of control. It can make you crazy.

While I'm on the subject of this excruciating wait, why is it that I've hit the 2 year mark and so many people are trying to offer me alternate solutions? I know they're only trying to help, but I'm getting tired of the questions about why I'm not trying to "just get pregnant" or switching countries or adopting domestically.

I thought I answered all of those questions in the beginning of this process. But somehow the 2 year mark has caused them to resurface. Just frustrating.


Now I'm pressing on. Again. Hoping for my happy ending. Finding my faith. And trying hard to avoid that bulldozer as I continue to wait for my daughter.

Because she is coming. I believe it.


Sandra said...

Glad you hear you have found a much happier place again :-)

Daniella said...

Yes she is coming. Glad your coming back from feeling down. I too am so tired of being asked why still China, why not domestic, why not another country. It makes me so mad and sad that some people (important people) in our lives just don't get it. Know that all of us do understand and know exactly how this feels.

Buckeyes & Eggrolls said...

great post! So glad to hear you've found your happy place again and can live in and enjoy the moments in the here and now. I believe with all my heart that your Mia will come someday. Keep the faith!

Julie said...

We care for you regardless of your mood and sounds like you're accepting yourself regardless of it too. So glad to hear you are in a better place. Rock on.

M3 said...

S'mores and lightning bugs?! Oh man, those bring back memories. I haven't seen lightning bugs for decades (literally) which is a bummer. We used to sit outside at my grandparent's house in Pennsylvania when I was a kid and catch them.

The lack of control was the most infuriating thing for me during our wait too. That and the complete lack of communication I guess. If someone would have just said "you're going to wait xxx amount of time" I don't think I would have even cared how long it was. Not knowing anything drove me crazy(er).

Abby's Mom said...

Wonderful Krista! I can't wait for your "Happy Ending" and your New Begining :)

PS Love the new look :)

JoAnn in NJ said...

Welcome Back!
I tend to let bloggers be when they need to step away and take some time. But I did miss you and checked your blog daily to see if you had posted. And I absolutely love your new design!

But I am glad you're back and enjoying your life. I remember being there.

Enjoy this beautiful summer. Let's see your pretty yard photos!

Mia is coming, I know it!

M&M said...

SOOOO glad things are back on track for you!!

Lets hope you don't fall off again!

Made in China said...

Wow, awesome post.

Shannon said...

I believe it, too. I talked with my parents (my BFF's, really) about ending the process back in November, around Thanksgiving time. They told me to wait out the holidays. That was an especially hard time. I reviewed domestic options with my SW but wasn't sure. Then I focused on work and going out with friends a lot more and time is moving finally. The hope and belief are finally resurfacing for me. I'm sure, in time, it will do so even more for you, too. =) Peace.

Tori said...

She IS coming, I believe it. The lack of control is just madening. If you just knew exactly how long you had to wait it would be more tolerable. It's always the unknown that can be the most diffucult.

Glad you're back and in your happy place :-)

Johnny said...

I'm glad you've come out of the tunnel.

TBG Happenings said...

Sounds like the Krista I know and Love:)

Your happy place is pink and green.....pretty cool!

Keep the faith, believe it or not lots of people look to you to help get them through their rough spots!

Happily Imperfect said...

You are so incredibly amazing!! And honest. And awesome.

habeshachild said...

Great post - so happy to hear the energy and hope back in your prose.

And good for you for keeping the faith!!

She IS coming.

Isabella's Mommy & Daddy said...

She will be in your arms... And I know the wait pain will not GO AWAY... it will always be with us. I have not got to the down point.. trying my hardest to keep my chin up and the faith.. I hope I stay this way.. but I am only at 13 months.. going on 14.. so I have a ways...
I am always here for you.. and I love the blogger community.. everyone is amazing..
LOVE ya girly..
SOOOO Glad you are back..
Missed you.

Lindsay said...

Don't judge yourself for how you've endured the Wait. What matters is that you have endured it, and will continue to do so because you are committed to your daughter.

You won't forget the Wait - I didn't and it was nothing like as long. But what is important is that the pain and frustration will leave you. And you are right - the strength and patience it has taught you will help you be an even better mom.

Glad you're back blogging and in a happier place.

Janet said...

I won't ever forget the wait either. Two years of your life is pretty hard to forget. But it's so worth it, K, it truly is. You will make it, I KNOW you will. Hang in there, IS good.



Tao's Mommy said...

I love your blog!!!! I know the wait SUCKS, even for us who are here cheering you on. BUT everyday you get closer and closer to your precious baby girl. Keep your chin up and you are so is good!!!
I cant believe everything that has happened lately in the world, and when I get in a funk, I just have to look at my life and think of how lucky I am!!!

Keep up your BBQ and fire pit deserve to have fun!!!!

Noemi said...

This post made me cry. You are a very strong woman and I am so glad that you are not afraid to say when you are down. Life is good and it will get better when Mia is in your arms.

And we will all be here cheering you on!


PS Smores sounds really yummy! Can you believe my boys don't like them? Oh well Mommy will eat them! LOL

Briana's Mom said...

This wait is definitely like a roller coaster ride that you can't get off of. The wait was tough when I waited 19 months, and I can't even begin to imagine what waiting two years is like with more to go. Each day you get closer to your dream though.

I am so glad you are in a better place now. You are a strong, amazing person. Hang in there girl!

Marla said...

Great post! I am so amazed at all of you who are enduring this wait right now, I'd have been in that straight jacket long ago. I admire your stregth, Krista, and you're right, your baby is coming.

Have a great weekend!

Catherine said...

Glad you're feeling better! This wait is tough and at times has me expecting things of myself and others that I wouldn't normally. It's a tough one for sure but we're here beside you all the way. Together we're going to make it through and we'll have the sleepless nights and bags under our eyes to prove it in the futrue! Can't wait!!

Kayce said...

WOW!! I think you just took every thought out of my head. I literally could have written this. Keeping the faith is so hard, yet WE WILL continue to search for that faith to get us through. I'm with you in this 100% my friend, 100%.

Joannah said...

I'm glad to know that you're in a better place and are able to enjoy the good things that are in your life now. After experiencing as much of 'the wait' as I did, and now infertility, I can relate. However, I have found that these challenges have served to strengthen me and make me grow in ways I never would have otherwise. I will never forget this, but I believe I will become a better person for having to experience all this. I like to think of it as spirit and character building!

Enjoy the summer, dear friend. Have as many evenings like the one you described as you can. Surround yourself with good people and good things.


Sara said...

She is coming! Hang in there, don't give up. I love the new look on the blog too...


kris said...

You're sounding like yourself again :O) And you will always have me in your corner! (and hey, show us the blooms!)

sea star said...

Glad your back to you! I have no words about the adoption, but I do know that life is good....ol' so good!

wzgirl said...

Thanks for writing this, Krista. Your hope gives me hope, so thank you for sharing. xoxoxo

3D said...

You ripped the words from my heart and my head. Always here for you. I am happy that you are feeling better and life is good again.

Keep smilin!

Amie said...

waiting sucks.period.

Glad to see you are back though!



OziMum said...

OH, I hear ya! We get the "why don't you just "have" a baby" thing all the time... yeah, coz that's so easy - why didn't I think of that? Morons!

You are right - you will never forget the wait (as you'll never forget any painful experience in your life) - but I can say, it is the "pain", that, overtime, disapates.

So glad you are out in your yard, enjoying its beauty and splendour! My yard is all wet, overgrown and horrible, at the moment! Your "happy ending" is well and truly on its way - although, it'll be the end of the wait, and the beginning of all things new and wonderful!

a Tonggu Momma said...

Flowers help every time. :) Glad to hear you are in a healthier place. We just had Kookaburra and GumTree over tonight (our LID agency buddies) to mark our two year wait so far.

I will never forget this wait. The people who say that didn't wait over two years with no end in sight. I don't think they fully comprehend the difference. I've waited once before, and nothing compares to this.

Hugs to you!

Kelly Green said...

Hi there! I'm an adoptive Mom with a little one from Jiangxi China. The 5 year wait for various reasons was so tough for us...but now I know it was for a reason...we have the one we were always meant to have!! And I wouldn't change a thing. They say in preganancy your forget the birth pains...I think for adoptive parents the wait is the pain...and then afterwards it's a blur. All our best from Phoenix in your waiting. It helped me to decorate the room...repeatedly, stock up on books, work on the 100 wishes quilt and eat chocolate.

Wendy said...

The wait is SOOOO hard! It's so difficult that we do feel hopeless and helpless at we are on a sinking ship with no lifeboats or life vests. I remember those feelings! I am not one of those people that will tell you that the pain of the wait goes away. I still remember it quite well. And maybe that's because I have friends like you who are still struggling through this. I hurt for you! But I also have so much hope for you too. ((Hugs))

Sam said...

Sorry I haven't been around lately. I'm just now feeling up to checking blogs. I'm glad you are finding your way again! I'm so sorry you had those doubts and got lost for a while. Ignore those fools who don't understand that your daughter is in China! They aren't worth listening to!!! Hang in there and enjoy your beautiful blog!!!

C said...

It's so good to see you!!
Day by day, week by week. all you can do.
Kate and i will send super happy mental thoughts your way to try and help!