Thursday, October 25, 2007

Back On Track

This post may sound a little bi-polar after the one below......
but I think I'm finally coming out of this funk a little. I've been really down about the adoption lately. I hadn't completely bounced back after my Mexico vacation with the little chicas. I tried putting on a happy face. But behind it I was hurting. This week something has changed in me. I've actually started to feel connected to my daughter again. I started to realize just how much distance I'd put between my heart and The Wait. I expect the holidays will be hard. But I'll deal with it.
For today, I'm feeling better. And that's good.

It started with having to renew the I-171H. Pulling out all that old paperwork made me remember how excited I was during my paperchase. The dreams I had. How I jumped right in and started buying baby clothes. I named her before I even had my LID. She was real to me. And I was happy. But then The Wait came. I pulled back. I had to put all of that away for awhile. I distanced myself. I think we all have to for awhile just to get through it. The Wait is just so damn long and so uncertain. But sending in the new I-600A application brought back those memories and those feelings. I started to feel that little stir in my heart again.

Then researching what my options were for the maternity leave made me believe again that someday this will happen. I really will be someone's mom. And I'm just so grateful that I have some options to stay home a little longer with her. I never imagined I'd actually be able to figure out a way to be off for 3 whole months! I'm so excited about it! I dream of being a SAHM. But obviously that'll never happen. I mean who'd pay the mortgage then, right? But for 3 months, I get to be one. And that makes me happy. Very happy! Going without a paycheck for 6 weeks won't be fun. But the blessing is that I certainly have time to save the money, now don't I?

Then fighting for this insurance thing also lit a fire in me. I felt like I was protecting my daughter. Like I was fighting for what's right for her. And it made me feel connected to her again. I got some good news there as well. It seems the fire department had not signed their contract with the city yet. So they were made aware of this flaw. They stood strong and the city agreed to match their $3000 contribution if a single becomes a family plan mid-year. Instead of leaving the singles out in the cold and responsible for the $2500 difference. So they are re-negotiating our contract as well. The insurance still is not great compared to what we have now but what a load off my mind that is!

Because I was stuck feeling so blah, I didn't even put out my Halloween decor this year. Just didn't feel like it. And Autumn is my favorite season, people! But I was just feeling pretty depressed with the upcoming holidays. I'd already decided that I wasn't going to bother with Christmas. No decorating, no hosting the party, no tree. I just wasn't feeling it.

But today on the way home from work, I smiled just a tiny little smile and started thinking that maybe I will pull out that tree after all. I made it through 16 months. I can make it through 16 more..... if I have to.
:)

31 comments:

Sandra said...

Glad to hear you are coming out of your funk and starting to see the bright side of things a bit again!

TBG Happenings said...

You my friend will do whatever it takes for your girl....even if that includes waiting longer than you expected. I am glad that you are feeling better!

We will see you soon!!

redmaryjanes said...

It won't be 16 more months. I'm glad that you have found a second wind. Some months are just much harder than others. You will make it through. Smile a bit more tomorrow : )

sea star said...

I know the feeling. I'm still struggling with the upcoming holidays. This will be the 3rd since we started the process. I'm tired.

Keep on keeping on...that's the only way to get there. I wish I had more advice.

~Cheers. Let's toast to how far we've come!

Roy and Lori said...

Just wanted to say hello! I loved
reading about your trip to New
York. The pictures are wonderful.
NEW YORK CITY IS THE BEST!!!

DID YOU TRY THE CHEESECAKE? It is
fabulous.

wzgirl said...

Good girl! Hugs, you. XO

Buckeyes & Eggrolls said...

Well alrighty then! I'm glad your spirits have lifted a little and you are back on track. You can do it.. I know you can!! Maybe when you come over Saturday and get a little Maddy love, your heart will definitely be soaring. then the following week, you'll have Sophie love and Jazzie and Tahlia love.. :0)

Isabella's Mommy & Daddy said...

Glad to hear you are feeling better....
You will not have to wait 16 more...It will get faster girly...
I have faith...
We are all in this together and you will make it..
Put that tree up... and enjoy Christmas.. And next year she will be in your arms..
Hugs
Kim

Catherine said...

The funk is tough but happy to hear you're beginning to climb out the other side. It seems most of the blogging world has been in a funk lately. Why wouldn't we with all the teeny, tiny batches that have been sent month after month. But, you're getting there and I'm so happy you are! I love that we're here for one another...ready to lift someone up when they're down and also the ability to reach up to one another when they're handling things better than we are.

Good news on the insurance front. Hopefully it will work out to at least be a little more fair. Sorry you're losing so much of what you have. That's just not fair!

Happy to be here with you!

Erica said...

I'm glad you are feeling better. The wait is hard, and I've only been waiting for about 9 months. I remember how excited I was during the paperchase--I was so happy to be involved in the process. I feel like I have pulled away as well. It's too much to think about all day everyday. I really don't even like discussing it with people outside the China adoption process, because people JUST DON'T GET IT.

Beeb said...

Truly happy that you are feeling better. This process is not for the faint hearted! Mia has a very strong and gutsy mama.

Janet said...

Hey, that's great news! I'm glad for you. :-) HUGS FROM ALBERTA!

OziMum said...

Crapola! I just typed and enormous comment and bl0gger ate it! So (lucky for you!) in a nutshell! YES! you have made it so far! 16 months is nothing to sneeze at!

I love Christmas! I hate not having Mini here. But Christmas is for dreaming & wishing - and I do alotta that!!!
I'm glad you're "seein the light" -Mia is more than a name on a blog ~ she's the daughter of your dreams and the hope in your heart!

Matt and Kathy said...

So glad to see that you are feeling better about things again. I really hope they will actually start speeding up.

Stephe said...

Glad to hear you are back on track.

Thought of you...

http://rarebirdfinds.typepad.com/rare_bird_finds/2007/10/snopals-kit.html

Stephe

Mark & Michelle said...

Glad to hear that things are looking up.

We are having the same problem here that just because we didn't birth the child we get substantially less benefits...FRUSTRATING!

"M" said...

Glad you are starting to feel a bit better. This never ending, ever changing wait is really hard. I relate to the putting on a happy face when inside you are so blue. Am glad it has passed and you are getting back in touch with your connection to Mia.

Doris & Dan said...

I am really happy for you that you are feeling better. Ya gotta share your secret because I am doing the funky chicken and it ain't fun.

That is awesome that there are renegotiations on the insurance issue. Makes you feel like there is some fairness at times.

I am eternally grateful to know you and all the excellent blogger chicks. Makes life more interesting.

Keep smilin!

Beverly said...

You can make it. You have all of your bloggy friends to help you through!!

Beverly

Alyson & Ford said...

My sister is named Mia and like your daughter to-be, she is beautiful in body and spirit...

Hang in there, we're all inching our way to our little ones.

peace
fm

Colleen said...

Big smooch. I hope not another 16....but if so...we are all hear with ya to help.

Noemi said...

I am so happy you are feeling better! You got 16 down and I pray that it won't be another 16...

eggrolls and chopsticks said...

Up, down, up, down, who knew it would be like this? Every single one of us goes through these highs and lows and thankfully not all at the same time so there is always someone out there to lift us back up or give us a push. Enjoy your upswing and revel in the fact that your little girl is on her way. It feels so good to be where you are right now so savour it.

Headmeister said...

Happy to hear that you're getting into the spirit again, my sistah. I know it's rough and there will be more funky times in the future, but revel in the upswing you're having right now and go buy some baby clothes, decorate for the holidays, and enjoy it :)

Carla said...

I'm glad that things are looking up. And that you're figuring out some solutions before Mia is home.

And I thought Christmas was your favorite season? Yeah, I know it's not a "season" but you turn it into one.

Beth said...

I hear ya sister. Feeling much the same way.

Glad you are feeling a bit better.

i-Con said...

We go up, we go down, we go all around during this wait. I like the ups myself. But, gotta admit that they are particularly appreciated after a nasty down.

Glad you're on an up now. Yahoo for the insurance stuff too. That'll make a big difference.

This is going to be my third Christmas with no tree. I'm not a scrooge but it's simply a promise I made to myself and my girl that next time the tree went up it would be with us together.

Princess Diaries said...

I'm glad you are feeling connected to Mia again. I really believe in poitive vibes rippling through the universe.

Shannon said...

When I start my 2nd updated homestudy (and clean my house again-yuck!) next month, I will think of you and your trooper-ness. Gotta enjoy the smiles when they come. =)

Daniella said...

Glad your on the upswing. I'm starting to come out of my funk too. We have to be getting closer! Keep that smile on your face!

Lisa, Doug & Briana said...

It will definitely happen for you! I know when you feel down, you feel DOWN. Down low. I have been there. I am so glad you are getting that spark back.

I promise, when you get your little one, all the sadness you feel will disappear. I understand now why I had to endure "The Wait". Briana was the child meant for me all along, and the time we were meant to be together was July of this year. I believe your daughter will be with you at the perfect time. It just sucks when you don't know when that time is. Hang in there! Hugs from Georgia!