This post may sound a little bi-polar after the one below......
but I think I'm finally coming out of this funk a little. I've been really down about the adoption lately. I hadn't completely bounced back after my Mexico vacation with the little chicas. I tried putting on a happy face. But behind it I was hurting. This week something has changed in me. I've actually started to feel connected to my daughter again. I started to realize just how much distance I'd put between my heart and The Wait. I expect the holidays will be hard. But I'll deal with it.
For today, I'm feeling better. And that's good.
It started with having to renew the I-171H. Pulling out all that old paperwork made me remember how excited I was during my paperchase. The dreams I had. How I jumped right in and started buying baby clothes. I named her before I even had my LID. She was real to me. And I was happy. But then The Wait came. I pulled back. I had to put all of that away for awhile. I distanced myself. I think we all have to for awhile just to get through it. The Wait is just so damn long and so uncertain. But sending in the new I-600A application brought back those memories and those feelings. I started to feel that little stir in my heart again.
Then researching what my options were for the maternity leave made me believe again that someday this will happen. I really will be someone's mom. And I'm just so grateful that I have some options to stay home a little longer with her. I never imagined I'd actually be able to figure out a way to be off for 3 whole months! I'm so excited about it! I dream of being a SAHM. But obviously that'll never happen. I mean who'd pay the mortgage then, right? But for 3 months, I get to be one. And that makes me happy. Very happy! Going without a paycheck for 6 weeks won't be fun. But the blessing is that I certainly have time to save the money, now don't I?
Then fighting for this insurance thing also lit a fire in me. I felt like I was protecting my daughter. Like I was fighting for what's right for her. And it made me feel connected to her again. I got some good news there as well. It seems the fire department had not signed their contract with the city yet. So they were made aware of this flaw. They stood strong and the city agreed to match their $3000 contribution if a single becomes a family plan mid-year. Instead of leaving the singles out in the cold and responsible for the $2500 difference. So they are re-negotiating our contract as well. The insurance still is not great compared to what we have now but what a load off my mind that is!
Because I was stuck feeling so blah, I didn't even put out my Halloween decor this year. Just didn't feel like it. And Autumn is my favorite season, people! But I was just feeling pretty depressed with the upcoming holidays. I'd already decided that I wasn't going to bother with Christmas. No decorating, no hosting the party, no tree. I just wasn't feeling it.
But today on the way home from work, I smiled just a tiny little smile and started thinking that maybe I will pull out that tree after all. I made it through 16 months. I can make it through 16 more..... if I have to.