Why Single Motherhood?

I get asked this question sometimes. I'm sure that some women may intentionally choose this route. But I'd imagine the majority of us single moms-to-be didn't set out with this plan. I suppose I should only speak for myself though.

I've always hoped that someday my prince would come. And a few times I thought he had. Unfortunately, I found out I was wrong.

I was married once. Had a beautiful, fairy tale wedding. The wedding of my dreams, in fact. The marriage however....not so much. It seems my husband forgot one key element of what it means to be married. He forgot to stop dating. Other women. So that was that.

After my divorce, I decided that if I hit the age of 35 and had no prospects on the horizon, I'd pursue motherhood on my own. That seems to be the magic number for a lot of us for some reason. But for me, that was my cut off.

I fell in love again in the interim. But alas, that one was 10 years younger than I. Really silly idea, I guess. A lot of fun while it lasted though.

So this year I turned 34. With no prospects on the horizon. I realized that even if the perfect guy fell in my lap tomorrow (which he'd pretty much have to do since I'm making zero effort to look for him), it'd take far too long for me to make the determination that he was "The One".

I'm a lot older and wiser now. Not nearly as trusting as I used to be. And the older I get, the more determined I get that I won't settle for less than what I deserve. So I gave up the fairy tale.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm not open to Prince Charming if he should decide to appear. But I'm not waiting for him any longer.

The one thing I've known my entire life is that I wanted to be a mother someday. No woman should have to give up the dream of motherhood just because she hasn't been lucky enough to find a husband. And what if you really don't want one anyway?

I'm so grateful to live in a time where it's become acceptable to do this on my own. And I'm so glad I waited until I was a little older. I'm glad that I lived my life for so long without children.
Now I'm more patient, more appreciative, more settled and I know better.

I've lived out the selfishness of my twenties. I've had fun and been reckless. I've made my home. I've worked hard and been successful in my career. I've lived and I've learned. I've enjoyed my freedom. I've figured out who I am and what I want. And I'm ready now.

I'm ready for bedtime stories, bottles, first steps, sloppy sticky kisses, ponytails, special trips for ice cream cones, giggles and laughter, kissing scraped knees, training wheels, secret pinkie swears, soccer games or ballet ... or both, and hearing a beautiful little girl call me mommy.

I know it won't be easy. There are days that I'm scared. Will I do this right? Do I have enough money? Do I have enough energy? Can I really do this by myself?

But I know that I already love this little girl that I haven't even met. And I know that I'm ready to be her mother. With or without the prince.

Favorite Foto Friday

Yes.. I know it's not Friday yet but didn't you read below when I said it's been a crazy, busy week. Tomorrow I won't be home until very late so getting a jump on this now when I have a sec. I'm stealing this idea from Lisa. I've seen her do it on her blog and thought it was a cute idea. So here's my favorite photo for this week. This is my niece, Tatum. She is 3 and a half. This pic was taken at the 4th of July camping trip we took this year. We were at the beach when this ladybug landed on her leg. It crawled all over her leg and belly and then took up residence on her hand. She decided it was her pet. The ladybug hung out for awhile and then finally flew away. I love this picture! I've told all of my sister's kids that ladybugs are good luck so they now worship them, too. Have a great weekend!

These Chicks Rock!!

Okay... I know I'm a little late but it's been a crazy, busy week. Last Sunday, Connie and I went to Columbus to see the Dixie Chicks in concert. I recently got their new album and LOVE it. I didn't even realize they were on tour until Thursday night. Yes, I was trolling the Net, feeding my computer addiction when I happened to see the concert dates. The only show close to us was 3 days later. I e-mailed Connie to see if she was up for some spontaneous fun and being the party girl that she is, didn't let me down. We decided that we need to spend this next year enjoying ourselves and doing crazy stuff just like this before our girls come home.

The Chicks put on a great show. We stopped to grab a bite at an awesome Mexican place near the stadium. I had a Grande Burrito and boy, they weren't kiddin'! That was one huge ass burrito. We also tried the Jumbo Margarita, which was gargantuan. The glass was as big as a fishbowl. We were feeling pretty good by the time we got to the show. The seats were great as you can tell by the photo. Connie stashed a camera in her purse and snuck it in. She's such a rebel! We had a blast. To see some great pics of our evening click here to hop over to Connie's post.

I met Connie in real life just a few weeks ago but we've been e-mailing back and forth for a couple of months. I found her blog out here in cyberspace and got hooked on it. She is a riot! She is waiting for Jadyn and LID about 4 months ahead of me. I'm so excited to share her journey and so glad that we don't live too far from each other. I plan on hanging out with that cool chick often!

Mia's 100 Good Wishes Quilt

I just added a link on my sidebar to the right that explains the quilt process. (Yay!! Connie... I did it all by myself and didn't crash the whole blog.) Check it out. The quilt is very popular with the Chinese adoption community. It's a really cute idea. I have to jump on the bandwagon, too, because I wouldn't want Mia to suffer some great trauma later in life if she didn't have one, but all the other kids did. LOL! Plus my grandmother is an exceptional quilter. That's her thing. I knew that she'd make one for Mia anyway, so I thought we'd use this idea. I hope to start collecting some squares soon (hint hint people) because so far I only have one. And it's from Connie , of course. So get on the ball, folks. Let's go!

I intend to spend the rest of my lazy Saturday making squares to exchange with other bloggers. Oh, and I should probably cut the grass... but we'll see. As soon as I figure out how to upload a pic, I'll post Mia's very first quilt square on her quilt link. (Hey, cut me some slack. I already told you I'm computer illiterate. This is a learning process.)

*Update: The photo upload appears successful. Check out the quilt link to see Mia's first quilt square.

Disappointing News

For those of you who don't know me, I suppose I should give you a brief summary of the events of the past 2 years of my life so that you'll understand this post. Don't read any further if you're squeamish.

In August 2004, I had what was supposed to be a minor out-patient surgery to remove my gallbladder. During the surgery, the surgeon accidentally nicked my bile duct creating a bile leak. But he didn't realize it. It went undiagnosed for five days. In spite of the fact that I went to the ER a day and a half post-op vomiting and in excruciating pain. They told me I was fine and sent me home with a laxative because, according to the ER doc, it was "just gas".

Three more days passed and I continued to leak bile while we were all unaware. On day five I went back to the ER and was finally admitted. That is the last thing I clearly remember for the next two weeks. The doctors finally found the leak and tried to correct it. They thought they had but two days later I went into septic shock. I was rushed into emergency surgery with major organ failure. They opened me up and removed three liters of bile from my stomach cavity. But at that point it was too late because I was already infected. It was just a matter of trying to keep me alive and fight the infection.

I came out of surgery on a ventilator. I was in ICU for sixteen days total. On a ventilator for twelve of those days. I got pneumonia as a side effect of the vent, which sent me further downhill. It was very bad. Every day it seemed to get worse. My family was literally praying over my bed. They weren't sure if I'd survive. My dad and my grandparents all flew in from out of state. It was a pretty scary time for them. I was pretty much comatose so my memory of it all is fuzzy.

Then on top of all that, I extubated myself late one night. Not on purpose, of course. But apparently I wasn't sedated enough and had too much slack in my restraints. (I was in soft restraints so as to not pull out the tubes and wires... in theory.) Somehow even in my drug induced state, I was able to reach up and pull out my vent tube. But I didn't get it out all the way. Only just enough to block my airway and cause me to aspirate. I was basically suffocating and drowning. Nice, huh...

The nurse didn't hear the distress alarm right away because she was in the other room. So by the time she ran in things were pretty bad. She wasn't able to get the vent back in because I'd lost consciousness and managed to lock my jaw down on the tube so that it was stuck. I always thought you went limp when you pass out. But I guess not because they couldn't crank my jaw open. By then I was coding. Which means a call goes out over the loudspeaker that there's a "Code Blue" and everyone comes running to save your life. Just like on TV. Eerily, I was aware of all this. I have memories of it. But I'll save the "going into the light" story for another time.

Luckily, my doc was close by and was able to give me a shot to paralyze me, crank my jaw open off the tube, and re-intubate me in time. In spite of all that bad luck.... I survived. Obviously. :)

I was in the hospital for nearly a month total. I was unable to care for myself for quite awhile after. The docs wanted to send me to a nursing home type facility until I was strong enough. But I refused. I just wanted to go home. Fortunately, I was blessed to have my friends and family step up to take care of me. I had to rely on others for EVERYTHING. I couldn't shower or dress myself. I could barely walk and when I did, I had to use a walker because I was so weak.

I had a home nurse who, in the beginning, came every day to empty the bile from the drain tube in my side. She changed the dressing on the huge incision that runs vertically down my chest and around my belly button. The scar from my boobs to my pubes as I like to call it. (Sorry...that was in bad taste, wasn't it? LOL!) They hadn't closed the incision until the day before I left the hospital because of all the swelling and infection. So I laid on the couch for another month at home waiting for that to heal completely.

When I got a little stronger, I had a physical therapist and an occupational therapist who came to the house to help me recuperate. I was off work for 3 months and on light duty for another 8 months after I finally did go back to work. It took about a year before I began to feel like I wasn't 90 years old. A whole year before I felt like I wasn't a sick person anymore. To say that it was a long and difficult recovery would be an understatement. But except for a big ugly scar, some tolerable digestion issues, and some really really bad memories.... I'm all better now.

To go from being a strong, independent woman to being helpless was a very humbling experience. It was terrifying to think how close I came to leaving this place. But at the same time it was very freeing. I appreciate everything so much more now. I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. And realize now that most of it really is just small stuff. I'm grateful every day. I'm blessed to have a wonderful family and amazing friends who supported me through this whole ordeal. To all of them I say ...Thank You.

So now on to the disappointing news. What does everyone who hears this story say? "Sue their asses!!"

Well, I can't sue my surgeon for the bile duct injury because that is a "known risk of surgery" and you sign your name to that fact on the consent form. But I've never been upset with him for that anyway. It was an accident. He's not perfect, but just another human like the rest of us. He has a stellar record (well... had until this, I guess) and he is genuinely torn up about what happened.

However, several months later, while reading my medical records, I discovered that I was given a CT scan during my first ER visit. It showed a "moderate amount of fluid in the abdomen, particularly prominent in my pelvis area". Now that I'm pissed about. It seems to me that had they diagnosed my bile leak sooner, I never would have gotten as critically ill as I did. Because it wasn't the bile itself that almost killed me but the fact that it got infected.

So I get a lawyer and he thinks so, too. In fact, he believes in the case so much that he takes it on with no charge. (Of course, he'll get a third of the settlement if we win. LOL!) He has an ER doc as an expert witness who agrees with our opinion. But the bad news is the opinion just came back from the expert gallbladder surgeon who does not agree.

According to him, the ER followed their standard of care and had no more obligation to me. After reading all of my medical records, he sees that on the day of the first ER visit my labs are normal, my temp is normal, my white blood cell count is high but still in the normal range. He says that the CT scan with the mention of fluid wouldn't have been alarming considering I was not even 2 days post op and had normal labs.

Now remember, this doc is being paid as an expert witness by my lawyer. The expert wants to agree with our opinion. But he says it's just not there. It's not a clear cut case of negligence. Too much of a judgement call on the part of the ER. Not a clear cut winner and too much of a risk to lose. So if it's not there, then it's just not.

My lawyer won't proceed without being pretty convinced he'll win. And I don't blame him since he's already forked over a few thousand dollars with this. My only option at this point would be to try a second expert's opinion with me footing the bill. Which I can't afford to do since all of my money is tied up with the adoption. But which I wouldn't do anyway. Because I understand and accept the advice of the expert. So it looks like it's over. :(

I'm extremely disappointed. Now I wasn't expecting to become a multi-millionaire sipping margaritas on a beach somewhere. But I was hoping to get a settlement that would allow me to pay off my adoption debt, have a small nest egg so I wouldn't worry, be able to afford to go back to China for a little sister, and afford private school and college for both of them.

Now I'm worried about the money. I know the reality is there are plenty of women who make less than I do that support children just fine. And the logical part of my brain knows that I'll be okay, otherwise I wouldn't have taken this on. But you can't help to have that little nagging worry far in the back of your head sometimes.

I'm a big believer in karma, fate, destiny, whatever you wanna call it. I believe everything happens for a reason. Well, when you have an experience like this I think you're always looking for an explanation as to why. I'd come up with the reasoning that a settlement would bring me full circle. Here's why. I thought that maybe my illness had to happen to help lead me to adoption (more explanation about my adoption reasons in another post) and the settlement would bring it full circle by giving me financial security to raise my daughter comfortably and adopt a second.

Well... so much for that. Now I'm left asking the "why did this happen?" questions again. But I know there's a reason for everything. And I recognize the positive effects that the illness brought about. But still it's disappointing news.

Why China?

Once I decided that adoption was the way to build my family, I started getting questions about why I chose China instead of domestic adoption or another country.

Domestic adoption is, for the most part, an open adoption process in which the birthmother chooses a family to raise the child she is relinquishing. This means that I'd have to market myself in order to convince someone that I'm the best choice.

I felt like my single status could work against me in that respect because if I were choosing a family for my child I'd certainly choose a mom AND a dad. Ideally, that is how I'd like to raise my own children, but my life's path did not take me in that direction.

There's also no timeline for this process. I could wait on a list for years hoping that someone would choose me. Then there is the risk that the birthmother could change her mind. I'd be devastated, as are all families that are faced with this situation. I wasn't willing to take that risk.

Why not adopt a child from foster care then? Simple. I want a baby. There are not many babies available for adoption from foster care. But you also run into the same problem as above. I know a woman who fostered four different times expecting to be able to adopt the child. The child was placed back with biological family every time. Again, I knew that I could not get attached to a child only to have them taken away.

So why China and not one of the other many countries open to international adoption? China has one of the most reputable, well organized adoption programs out there. There are strict guidelines and usually no risk of corruption.

China is known to have very healthy babies. While the resources are limited at the orphanage, they do care about the children and do the best they can. The horror stories about babies left lying on their back in a crib for 6 months with no physical contact are associated with other countries, but generally not China.

The fees associated with China adoption are also lower than most other countries. With the China process, you wait for a referral and then travel to get your baby. Some other countries, Guatemala for example, you get a referral quickly but then wait quite awhile to travel. This would be hard for me, to already know who my daughter is and not be able to go get her for some time.

I also have compassion for the women faced with the difficult choice of having to "abandon" their babies. In 1980, the Chinese government began the "One Child Policy" to control over- population. Because historically and culturally, the people of China value boys over girls, that means that almost all the abandoned children are girls.

China has no social security system, so in their old age, the people rely on their sons to provide for them. Their daughters marry and then take care of the in-laws. To ensure your survival, you NEED a son. If you are a rural farmer, you NEED a son to work in the fields. The Chinese people also are a very patriarchal society. Their ancestry and lineage are very important, so they NEED a son to carry on the family name and history. Many Chinese people want to raise daughters, but when you are limited to only one child, you can see how with this way of thinking, so many girls end up in orphanages.

There are a few exceptions to the one child rule. Minorities are not bound by the rule. Rural farmers are allowed to try again for a boy if the first born is a girl. Also if both parents come from a one child family, they are allowed to have a second child. These are two of the reasons, according to statistics, most abandoned girls are second born daughters.

Some who don't understand these concepts have great contempt for the women who abandon their children. I don't. I understand the risk they take in going to a crowded public place and leaving the baby, wrapped snuggly in a blanket, while they hide and wait somewhere close, watching, waiting for someone to find her. There is severe punishment for abandoning a baby.

Some Chinese women think the alternative is the easier choice. I'm grateful to my daughter's birthmother for choosing to give her a chance at a better life. I like to believe that this was a great act of love shown to this girl that she longed to keep, but was forced to give away.

I think we sometimes take for granted living in this great country of freedom and don't understand the way the rest of the world lives. I like to think of myself as a strong, independant woman. I can't imagine what it would be like to be forced into the decisions the women of China have to make.

And that is part of what led me to China. As a strong, independent woman, I want to raise my daughter to be the same way and to show her that she has just as much value as a boy.